So much in the news this last 24 hours.
Yesterday was a true test of one of my worst traits. Patience. I know that things come up and that we need to have patience. I'm a planner, I plan things down to the minute, when the schedule goes off course my stress level goes sky high and my patience is tested. I don't like surprises, I believe that's why I was a good event producer. I anticitpated potential problems and was ready to meet them head on.
My 97 year old grandmother tested my patience yesterday. Running very late for an important doctors appointment she needed to get to, we finally arrived 5 mins after the appointment was scheduled. I called ahead to let them know we were going to be late (courtsey, a trait I pride myself on), but the stress was immense on my side and I did what someone recently pointed out to me I often do, I shut down. The drive to the doctors was tense, I was filled with a mix of guilt for being angry with my grandmother and the stress of knowing I had a job to do, get her cared for on time.
In the end, we were fine. I was aware of my shut down, I worked hard on breathing into the uncomfortablness I experienced, after a period of time was able to relax and even start laughing.
Shutting down isn't new for me. It's a reaction that has built up during my time being sober, I used to lash out (not a good trait as an event producer, and I apologize to those to felt my wrath in the past), now I'm quiet. I'll take the quiet as a gift. The old way didn't work. At least the quiet gives me time to reflect, breathe and try to restart.
Lately I've been "feeling my feelings" a lot.
My heart and head are in a bind with the confusing end of a relationship. I haven't been able to eat or sleep. I am trying very hard at self care, there are a lot of moments of peace but then sadness creeps in.
I'm a writer, I'm a communicator. For this I feel blessed. I can choose my words to express how I feel, some people don't have that skill. We are all different and show our affection in different ways, this is something I have recently come to understand and respect. In a way it makes it easier for me to understand this relationship.
I haven't written about this out of respect for the other person. But I can say he's a good man. And as we both move along with our struggles in what the future will bring, I find more and more gratitude for the things I have learned from him.
In other news, I read two things that broke my heart today.
10 people were shot last night in Detroit. Apparently the fine weather brings out violence in this city. Two of the people were just innocent bystanders. As well the wonderful Heidelberg Project had a horrible fire that broke out last night destorying one of their buildings.
Today I took a bike ride around Brush Park and down by the river. The sun was shining and the company was him. I feel gratitude for the sunshine, for being alive, for this city, for someone who has a wonderful ablity to listen and shows me their affection by fixing my bike, very well.
Shanon
