There is no secret that I am not in a good space mentally these last few months, even with the work I'm doing to move forward and the support of real friends who have shown up to help. I continue to drop back for lack of better terms what I'm going to call a very deep depression.
I've had hard times before but I cannot for the life me remember one this difficult. Not to say that getting sober or sick, experiencing heart break, betrayal, abused or death in the past wasn't hard, but something has changed.
After giving a lot of time and energy to trying to figure out what is different this time I think one of my largest discoveries is that through my work in sobriety I had finally found the courage to open up and whole heartedly trust someone in a relationship, which for me was an enormous leap of faith. This person told me they would take care and protect me, never let anything happen to me, they would love me, not to be scared, that I was the love of their life, the person they had been waiting for and then poof one day they didn't feel that way.
It is such a huge ripping out of my faith and heart, my trust in almost everything/everyone has been completely demolished. I could never imagine that one person could cause so much destruction in a life and walk away unscathed. It's mind blowing.
When I met them I was at one of the most positive and happiest times of my life, I felt so balanced and sure, full of live and love, I feel as if they took all of that from me because they needed it and left an empty shell of a human. Only instead of feeling nothing like a shell, I feel every ache of pain that remains.
After standing on the roof deck of my building this past Sunday seriously contemplating all of the consequences of no longer remaining in this life, and thinking that I had really led my life in the wrong direction from the beginning of my adulthood, I am now actually questioning the path of my extra ordinary life! My magical journey that most people could only wish they could have experienced, this is how much damage has taken place. I am finally going for professional help.
Clearly the work I am struggling to do myself and with the support of people who have showed up is not enough. After several months I really thought I would start feeling better, I feel worse every day, I am angry, sad and resentful, even at times full of hate.
For you that know me, that is so far out of who I really am, I need help. And I am writing this because I know that others have been here too. I know there is a way out and I will continue to write and fight until I find the light on the other side of this life.
