Life

Wow my life is blessed.

Earlier today I wrote about being inspired, but it just dawned on me that I myself inspire people.

As an alcoholic I grew up with the feeling of being unworthy and less than everyone around me.  Not pretty, smart, skinny, cool enough.  I drank to forget about all of that and it worked for a really long time and then it stopped working.

When I walked into my first AA meeting at 11am on Saturday June 20, 2009 I had no idea that my life would change in the manner it has over the past 660 days.

In my past I was referred to as an Ice Queen, Bitch, Cold and as one person loves to share "don't mind her a house fell on her sister" yes, the Wicked Witch of the West.  That was my past.  I was all of those things because I was so unhappy, alcohol fueled all of that for years.

I pretended those things didn't hurt, they did.  I became all of those things to cut myself off and protect myself from being hurt further.

As I said, that was my past.  I'm not that person anymore.

A few months into sobriety I kept hearing women refer to themselves as the "sober woman they are today".  I liked the sound of that, I didn't understand it.

Now with 660 days of sobriety, approaching my 39th birthday and 2nd year of sobriety, I like the sober woman I am today.

The sober woman I am today inspires.  Something I never thought possible.  Almost daily someone writes or tells me that I inspired them in someway.  Wow, I'm so humbled. 

The sober woman I am today is happy.  I'm a happy person.  I've learned that happiness for me isn't a Prada bag or the perfect boyfriend,  it's me, it comes from within.  I create my own happiness.  (don't get me wrong here, I love shopping, my new Alexander Wang Tank Dress does create some sense of happiness and comfort, lol, I know the difference).

Apparently I am a calm person.  Which is something I laugh about because in my past I was a crazy person.  Today I'm being asked to speak to people who are upset or stressed out because I have a "calming affect" yup. 

The sober woman I am today isn't living in fear.  Yes there are things I would rather not deal with like taxes and bills, but I don't live in fear.  Yes I can feel insecure about how I look feeling less than these things don't go away over night, today I don't live in fear.  I am who I am, you can love it or not, that's ok.  I respect your decision.   I am comfortable with who I am and not living in fear.

The sober woman I am forgives but doesn't forget.  Why forget things, we can forgive, don't forget this is how we learn to not do it again. 

The sober woman I am understands that life is happening now.  When you have a life/death experience it changes you, being sober through one really changes you.  Life is now, live it,  love the people who are here, love yourself, it can be gone tomorrow.  Don't spend your life in fear of people, bills, feelings, jobs.  All of these things change and move.  Love yourself, find the things that inspire you and go for it.  Your life will change, I promise.

Shanon