The Stranger

My friend Kevin wrote a great song a few years back called "The Stranger" not to be confused with the Billy Joel tune of the same name.


"Sometimes I feel like a stranger, in my polythene skin, you can't always get just what you always believe in"


At the time he was going through some pretty heavy shit, we weren't speaking when he wrote this song, we had dated, then broken up, when he gave me the song, I felt I finally understood, well, him.  


It takes a lot to understand who someone is, for years I thought I knew people, I trusted, loved, cared for them and I like to believe they were doing the same for me.  At the time I think those things were true.


Time passes....


You see them again.  The people you thought you understood or knew so well are strangers, they may be feeling the same way about you too.  You can't know what someone is thinking.  It's a strange process that for me I've only come to see as I age, these are the things people talk about when they say, "youth is wasted on the young" or "with age comes wisdom"


I actually had this experience with two old lovers this summer.  At moments I saw what I initially drew me to them, then in the blink of an eye they were strangers again.


When we are in our 20s, man, we think we know EVERYTHING.  At least I thought I did, I knew everything, it wasn't until I was about 34 I started to even begin to be comfortable with myself and at the ripe ol' age of 37 I got honest and started knowing myself.  I'm a work in progress, I don't claim to know everything anymore, I do know some stuff, my experiences have given me that wisdom, other things I discover on a daily basis with the help of people I encounter in my life. 


Last night Moby sent me a link to an article titled, Why You're Not Married. 


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html 


Something I love about Mo is that he has and is always willing listen to all my crying & whining about men for years.  But he also admits opening to things he just doesn't know about, he sent this link with the note, "thoughts?, I'm not a lady, so i have no opinion." Actually when I first tried to read it on the train home last night I was cranky and was going to write a snarky comment, then I read it.  It makes a good point.  Once again, women and men, we just don't think the same way.


I bring this up because it's another moment in my life in which I thought, "blah, f this b for writing this piece, blah blah," then I read it and thought wow I just learned something about myself.  Yeah, I am a bitch, not all the time, not one of my top qualities, then applied it to someone I dated recently and looked at a budding situation I am in now.  Is it possible that what I took as being rigorously honest with someone, they took as me being a bitch? Yes. Something I need to make myself more aware of in all situations, not just romantic ones. 


Truth be told, I am not interested in getting married again.  Not that I am closed to the idea, it's just not something I am actively seeking.  


Another good point the writer makes is "you're shallow" which is something I joke about to friends, yes we all want the pretty things in life.  Ms McMillan says something to the effect of looking for a man with character but really we are looking for the tall, handsome guy, so we often pass up the potential.  Guilty.  If you've seen my dating pool you would agree. Hey I'm trying!!! 


There are some other really good points with subject headlines such as "You Are A Slut, You're A Liar" etc., I enourage you to check it out.  Some good science background in chemical reactions to sex, causing us to feel certain ways about people, and so on.


So what the hell am I trying to say here?  Most of the time I don't know, I just write.


Lately I do feel like a stranger to myself because so much of who I am becoming is new, new from sobriety, new from understanding my life experience, new for going out taking chances and trying new things.  It can be confusing, very overwhelming and frightening at times, don't forget lonely no matter how much support I have, being a stranger is uncomfortable.  That's ok, I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok, I'm not in a race, or competition, only a quest to continue to grow, be happy and hopefully give something back to others.