Unbridled Truths

There is no secret that I am not in a good space mentally these last few months, even with the work I'm doing to move forward and the support of real friends who have shown up to help.  I continue to drop back for lack of better terms what I'm going to call a very deep depression.

I've had hard times before but I cannot for the life me remember one this difficult.  Not to say that getting sober or sick, experiencing heart break, betrayal, abused or death in the past wasn't hard, but something has changed.  

After giving a lot of time and energy to trying to figure out what is different this time I think one of my largest discoveries is that through my work in sobriety I had finally found the courage to open up and whole heartedly trust someone in a relationship, which for me was an enormous leap of faith.  This person told me they would take care and protect me, never let anything happen to me, they would love me, not to be scared, that I was the love of their life, the person they had been waiting for and then poof one day they didn't feel that way.   

It is such a huge ripping out of my faith and heart, my trust in almost everything/everyone has been completely demolished.   I could never imagine that one person could cause so much destruction in a life and walk away unscathed.  It's mind blowing.

When I met them I was at one of the most positive and happiest times of my life, I felt so balanced and sure, full of live and love, I feel as if they took all of that from me because they needed it and left an empty shell of a human.  Only instead of feeling nothing like a shell, I feel every ache of pain that remains. 

After standing on the roof deck of my building this past Sunday seriously contemplating all of the consequences of no longer remaining in this life, and thinking that I had really led my life in the wrong direction from the beginning of my adulthood, I am now actually questioning the path of my extra ordinary life!  My magical journey that most people could only wish they could have experienced, this is how much damage has taken place.  I am finally going for professional help.

Clearly the work I am struggling to do myself and with the support of people who have showed up is not enough.  After several months I really thought I would start feeling better, I feel worse every day, I am angry, sad and resentful, even at times full of hate. 

For you that know me, that is so far out of who I really am, I need help.  And I am writing this because I know that others have been here too.  I know there is a way out and I will continue to write and fight until I find the light on the other side of this life. 

Writing To Heal

God, please send me your strength, I need it so much tonight.

Today I was in intense amount of pain, I've been here before in different ways for different circumstances. 

For the last several weeks my life has taken hit after hit of serious loss.  Taking it in and digesting it hasn't been easy.

Separating fact from things that my head loves to create and feelings I know are usually not based in fact, I have created the following list of facts which I need to constantly remind myself:

-I've been through worse pain, healed and come out on the other end a better person for it.

-My Nana & Lulu would not want me to be sad, and I know they are with me now, supporting me 

-God gives you these challenges to learn from, we always learn, we always grow for the better

-I need to get out of my own way, because clearly if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be screwing shit up all the time, I need to listen up, the universe is speaking to me

-Nothing is worth drinking over, NOTHING and since I am an alcoholic and choose life, I will continue to remind myself of this even when the woo woo feelings come up and one glass of wine seems like a great idea to kill the pain (have I really learned anything being sober all this time, sometimes I wonder, damn it)

-Friends show up in the darnedest of places to hold you up and make you laugh. Thank you friends.  You are a fact and I am grateful.

A few years ago I remember being in an obsessive insanely sick and extremely alcohol fueled relationship that blew up like Mount Vesuvius all over me.  When it finally ended, I thought I would never love anything again and I was worthless.

It actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  It got me sober.  It made me live, it led me to be so desperate that I took advantage of that little crack of a window that God opened up and I squeezed my ass through it and went to AA.  That was June 20, 2009.

Because I was still in early recovery I continued to draw out that relationship for another year or so as a "friendship," once again ERUPTION!!!!  Man when that blew it was nastier than the first, I felt everything.

And I lived.  And I was ok.  

A year passed, one day I realized I had just forgotten about that someone that was so ingrained in my life at one time I thought I couldn't take a breath without them, it dawned on me I had been breathing for a year just fine. 

About a week ago, I was trolling the internet as I do when I am getting in my own way....and discovered that person had gotten married.  They looked so happy, for the first time I can honestly say I had nothing but pure joy and love for them.  It felt good, then I turned off the computer and went about my day. 

So here I sit with my broken heart again, a little more road worn, a little more understanding, knowing deep inside that I made the right choices and as much as it hurts at times I will be ok again.

One day I'll wake up, breathe deep, realize I am alive and have healed once more! 

Actually writing all this made me feel better.  Thank you for listening. 

Light and Love. 

Holy Fuck I've Been Sober For 3 Years

Unbelievable but true, tomorrow June 20, 2012, I will celebrate 3 years of continuous sobriety.

It's a serious fucking miracle.

Looking back at these last three years I'm dumbfound.

Recently I read a blog post that asked, "What advice do you have for the new comer [for you non AA's, that is someone who's new to the program)?"  Honestly I would have to see where they were at to suggest anything, not every AA idiom is for everyone.

How did I do it?

At first it was 15 minutes at a time.  I came in to AA heartbroken, suicidal and in serious pain.  I remember hearing someone with 43 days sober and thinking that might be the most difficult thing to accomplish ever.  Then I heard someone with 6 months which sounded impossible.

But I did it.  I found a wonderful sponsor Ms. Alison and cracked my Big Book with her.  I tried to shoot for 90 meetings in 90 days, and I think I almost got it.

I glued myself to my sober angel Steph for support, she found me crying outside of my Brooklyn Homegroup, I knew we would be friends because she had a Wilco necklace on and although I am not a Wilco fan, most of my dearest friends tend to be.

By the time day 91 rolled around I felt great.  Slowly a lot of friends crawled into AA behind me (I've always been a trend setter) and we were able to help each other.

After 1 1/2 years I believe I finally started to understand the work I was doing in AA, I felt a different kind of change happening, it wasn't physical.

The last year has been a bit more challenging, not necessarily the abstinence of drinking, but the connecting to the program.  I currently don't have a sponsor or a homegroup.  But my higher power has been sending me things I need until the sponsor and homegroup appear.

Six months ago I met Amir & Josh, my Sober Brothers from LA.  The guys and I met on Twitter, they invited me to be a guest on their weekly radio show.  I love them so much, talking at midnight on Sundays for 1 1/2 hours with them keeps me sober and has helped me see many situations so clearly.  I am truly blessed they adopted me.

My best friend Kevin has become my AA touchtone, which in itself is a damn miracle because most of you know that backstory.  He helps me to breathe and reminds me everything is going to be ok.  Thanks K-dog.  I love you.

In the past 3 years I've gone through the loss of my career, sickness and heartbreak.  But I've also gotten peace of mind, amazing friends, understanding, compassion and the ability to love unconditionally.  Things that you cannot put a price tag on.

So I'm sending a shout out to all of those who helped keep me sober and my high power who's love is never ending.

I wish you all love, light, peace and happiness.

Shanon

By The Grace Of God

Last night I had the honor of tandem teaching my first yoga class.  Up till now I've observed and adjusted poses, but have not led a group, yesterday at 9pm I led a group of 47 souls, class begin with my words "child's pose please"

The four days leading up to this I had not been nervous.  I studied with my fellow teacher trainees all week. 10 mins before class began  a slight case of nerves kicked in, very slight.  Julia a full time teacher at YTTP and the first teacher in my training to help me was my co-pilot for the evening.  Julia is out of this world.  If you are ever blessed to take her class at YTTP you'll know it, she has an energy unlike any other person over there, Julia also speaks fluent Italian, is drop dead gorgeous, her kindness, giant smile and empathy shine through at all times.

In the front row was my yoga wife, Marisol, who's quickly become one of my closest friends, supportive, fun, brilliant, sensitive and passionate.  Marisol taught her first class the night before and guess who was in her first row :)   I didn't notice until after class Marisol had worn a really funny shirt with a cartoon bunny on it so that I would laugh. 

Tandem teaching allows us to work at a pace that's actually less frantic, we lead until the teacher feels we have gone far enough and then they take over, the transition is very smooth.  I got about 15 mins into class I think, past chair pose.

After class Julia and I sat down, the notes she gave me were invaluable.  Encouraging and also eye opening, together we discovered something new.  I also asked Julia last night if she would be open to working with me further in my studies, enthusiastically she said yes, for which I am grateful.

The teaching piece at YTTP last night was just a small portion of my day on Thursday.  It's also been a pretty interesting week. 

German Bravo who is one of our teachers began teaching yoga the year I was born invited me to observe and participate in a class he teaches once a week at a senior center on the Upper East Side.  The class consisted of approximately 10 senior, all levels, everyone was warm and friendly, we had a terrific time.  I'm very interested in working with seniors as well as kids and will return next week with German to class.  After class German invited me to meet his wife and cat at his apartment not too far from the center.  German is a former employee of the Colombian government at the United Nations, now retired.  Very intelligent and interesting person.  The conversation ran the gambit from interpersonal relationships, the universe, Wagner, AA, UN pets, children, yoga sutras, movies, etc.  German runs a yoga program at the United Nations and invited me to teach class in the future.  We are both very excited to have become friends.  His wife Geraldine is beautiful, and quick witted and of course his cat Winston is a darling.   A very special morning indeed.

I've been thinking a lot about my next steps with yoga and believe I have a small game plan for the next two months laid out.  Not too structured, but some further studies and practices to continue moving me along. 

This evening our class with do 108 Sun Salutations.  This takes approximately 3 hours.  I'm very excited.

The teaching experience has made me think about how much my life has changed in the past two years.  These are all gifts of my sobriety.  I can't wait to fully engage myself back into my AA program when yoga teachers training is over night Saturday.

Mostly I am thankful for god for giving me all of this, for giving me that moment of clairty on June 20, 2009 that told me to get help.  None of this would be possible without that moment.

Oh one shout out to my friend Lawrence who is celebrating his 1 year anniversary today!  I had the honor of having a text exchange with him last night at midnight!  Welcome again to the good life dude.