Oh valentines you crazy wacky nutty holiday with your cheesy greeting cards, balloons, flowers, candy and stuffed animals wearing hearts on their little stuffed animal outfits, you make so many happy and so many so so sad.
I myself have had wonderful love affairs that happened to take place during this holiday and reaped all the benefits that come along with declaring to the world "i love you" and "let's do it"
My last valentines avec amour was several years ago and quite a romantic time, Russian baths, massages, drunken dinner, my darling declaring his love and lust for me in front of many tables of diners in my favorite Italian eatery on mulberry & broome all wrapped up in a homemade heart shaped card recapping our months of bliss together. It was quite the valentines.
Last year I spent valentines freaking out on my fire escape in a snow storm because the medication I was taking was prescribed on a dosage much to high for me, that along with new sobriety, being diagnosed with a brain cyst and having my ex-amour declare just days before he was now fawning over some 22 year old and potentially joining the peace corps to be with her sent me smoking Parliaments in the snow and into a downward spiral of darkness. But I stayed sober.
This past year since getting sick, having my heart ripped out, crushed, danced on and set a blaze, losing my job of 6 years, dealing with my relapsing ex, having my heart beaten again by said ex has been a rough one. Yet today on Valentine's Day 2011 I woke up feeling love. Quite different from the love that I've felt in the past on this day, it was love for myself.
In the past year I've been through so much, a lot of difficult, a lot of learning, a lot of growing, very hard work. I'm finally finding out at the ripe old age of 38 who I am and feeling comfortable with myself. What I like, dislike, who I want to become, who I currently am, what type of people I want in my life. The last 4 months have been like a growth spurt on Miracle Grow. I started dancing, writing again, drawing, making short movies, playing music and a new career.
This upcoming week I begin yoga teacher training and in 10 weeks I'll be certified to teach, something I've been wanting to do since before I got sober but had to put it off due to my health issue.
I also realize that none of this would be possible before today. I wasn't ready to take the next steps, to be this woman that I am growing into, I didn't love myself enough to want to try. Today I do love myself.
So as much as I love all of you and wish you a happy valentines day. My valentines this year, 2011 is me. Here's to me! Shanon I love you and I'm really proud of you, keep up the good work.
xo
Shanon
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