Insanity

The condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind, extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness - This is the definition of insanity according to dictionary.com

 

I've also heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.  

 

It's incredible as humans no matter what we learn, how hard the lesson, sometimes we live in this place of insanity. I love the words senselessness, foolhardiness, other synonyms given in the dictionary are  

lunacy, madness, craziness, mania. LUNACY, yet we return to this place time again!!

How many times have we been in the same relationship situation, unhappy and attempting not to change it because we were afraid?  Waiting for the situation to resolve itself around us.  When it usually does and the outcome doesn't feel good.

Personally I have a track record of having the same romantic relationship over again.  It's something I was aware of but didn't see the extreme degree of which I relive this scenario  until recently.  

I have two romantic relationships: 

A. He loves me and at first I love him, then he annoys me, I end up resenting him and feeling smothered, I leave 

B. We adore each other, are great friends, but he's usually entangled in some other scenario that causes the romantic part to eventually dissolve, we stay "best" friends, then everything blows up in my face because I still want him and can't have him.

Either way, everyone walks away hurt, sometimes the wounds heal and friendly banter/small talk/facebook wall posts appear, but the truth is those are few and far between.  

So does this romantic insanity of my past continue?? I see the patterns very clearly after the demise of my last love.

I think my biggest challenge is fear right now. When you've had your heart ripped out of your chest, kicked, set on fire, beaten and left on an icey sidewalk there are a few things that happen.

A. Your heart dies a little

B. Your heart grows a little layer of ice over it to protect it 

C. After a little while the layer starts to thaw, then runs back into the freezer for fear of being injured again

D. Once the ice attempts to thaw again, you do what I am doing now, look at the past and try to remember you don't have to repeat it 

If anything I did learn a lot about how I wanted to be treated as a person from my last experience, I don't put all the blame on them, I take full responsibility for my actions as well, I was along for the ride, allowing myself to be in that situation. 

I also learned a lot of how I want to treat other people in general.  

We are humans, the moment someone goes on a pedestal we lose that understanding that everyone of us is flawed. Being imperfect is a beautiful part of the adventure of being alive,  if you're on a pedestal and your flaws appear it's not your fault.  Did you ask to be put up there in the first place? Or if you placed someone there can you really be upset when you see their flaws (putting them up there you are basically choosing to ignore the flaws in the first place)?

For a while now I coward away from anything to do with the stench of serious romance involvement.  It's all fear based, when will this person hurt me, lie to me, deceive me like the other one did.  Sometimes Hazel (my awesome therapist) and I discuss this and she kindly reminds me that in most cases no one acts like the ex does and I should try to stop expecting to be treated like that by potential new beaus.  I have grown a lot and would not be allowing that type of person in my life again and that Hazel is right every time. 

I have grown a lot in the past few years, even though I have no clue what I want romantically, i know what I don't want, which is a really big part of developing what you want.

So to wrap up these thoughts so they make sense to me and you.

A. I'm going to try really hard to not repeat my romantic past, I am the only variable that can make that happen, I need to change

B. I need to remember that not everyone is the same and I have to stop projecting and let people do what people will do

C. I'll attempt to thaw the last layer of thin ice around my heart...sometime in the near future

Maybe just by writing this all down and sharing it with other people it will help me on my path for additional clarity and healing that small part of my heart that's stuck under that layer of ice.