Who's Will Is Being Done? & The Bodies

This mornings blog is broken up into two parts, part one Who's Will Is Being Done? I wrote on the train home last night from school, part two is fresh from this morning. 

Who's Will Is Being Done?


Since Thursday I've thought a lot and talked about god's will vs my will. Even more than normal.

In AA our 3rd step of 12 on the path to recovery is Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to he care of god as we understood him.

A god of our own understand not someone else's god. Ok and we turn it over, our will and our lives.

When i came into the rooms of AA this step and the 2nd step (came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity) came early and easy for me, I was broken and was wiling to do whatever it took to heal myself.  I needed to believe in power greater than myself

So after 613 days of really working on turning my will over to god I find myself wondering what took place Thursday morning, when I was forced to make a decision on another creatures life.

First off, what I saw, the physical battle fought by my dog in that hour and a half was horrific. Why would god want a creature that never hurt anything and gave so much love to suffer? The doctor said he wasn't getting oxygen to his brain, so the acts were involuntary, it wasn't him.  But why wasn't god stepping in to peacefully help end his dogs life? That's what I thought would happen. Why was I put to the challenge of having to make the decision to end it?

I whispered to Fred I'm so sorry over and over, before I began saying thank you. I repeated I'm sorry most of the day until I had a moment that made me feel like he was ok later in the afternoon.

Today I discussed this w my therapist hazel for a while and two close friends in the program. Why? I've been told to turn my will over to god, I don't get it?

I'm slowly beginning to believe or at least feel some comfort that in that moment I did the right thing, choosing to end his life.  Maybe I was performing the physical act of god's will?  I don't know.

This is weighing heavy on me. Hazel says try to be a bit kinder to myself as I am feeling quite a lot of guilt.

Tonight I can't wait to get home to lulu. I really miss her.

 PART TWO: The Bodies


I'm writing this on Saturday around 6:20am.  Lulu is sleeping soundly in the other room.  I feel guilty about leaving her for such a long day and going to training, but I have to do it.


Last night when I came home she was scratching on the bathroom door and wouldn't stop.  Was Fred in there? It was really strange.


Also last night my yoga teacher training group went to The Bodies exhibit at the South Street Seaport.  Oh the Seaport.  Such an odd place.  A hundred years ago I briefly dated Dave Attell, the Seaport always reminds me of him.  He used to take his mom there every weekend, I thought it was sweet.


Anyway....The Bodies, is incredible.  The past week I've been reading a book called The Science of Breath for school.  And that alone has me in awe of our bodies.  


So intricate, every vein, bone, muscle, ligament, etc.  How everything works together in harmony.  Every human is the same but slightly different.  How easy it is to make one?  


Who came up with this beautiful design?  Almost flawless except for disease, which I guess makes sense if you sit with the concept.  


I've been a closet and not so closeted smoker for many years, trying to quit over and over.  This exhibit really gave me a new found respect for the human body in a way I could never understand.  It wasn't just smokers lungs, but the way we are put together and function so effortlessly.  How could I do anything but want to make my body a temple?


If you haven't seen The Bodies, I highly recommend it.  It's been here for a few years now.  I'd like to go back again one day.  We really are works of art.


I plan to give my body a bit more respect and love.


Have a good Saturday


Shanon