Still A Bit Hazed, Grateful

Yesterday was tough.

People surprised me at the end of the day.  In good and bad ways.  Understanding and less than.

Thank you for the huge out pouring of thoughts on Facebook. 

Thank you to Laurel and Will for showing up at my house at 6:30am when I needed a hug.

Thank you David from spending the entire day with me, letting me go through every emotion possible in my living room and making me laugh. 

Thank you to the person I haven't spoken to in a long time who sent me a beautiful email that changed so much for me yesterday, it reminded me of the good memories when all I had was a picture of a violent death still playing in my head.

Thank you for the text messages. All of them.

Thank you to the people who picked up the phone.  It felt good to talk.  Julia & Abby I'll call you back today, I was really tired last night.

Thank you to my two AA meetings last night that changed everything in the day for me and allowed me to sleep.  I knew every person in the room, that I felt completely safe in that room I've been through so much in sobriety and it's always there for me.

Thank you to my new sponsee who has 15 days and is exactly where she should be, to hearing her share in a women's meeting last night and her saying "I need a sponsor" and me raising my hand and saying "I need a sponsee and a sponsor, let's talk"

Thank you to my friend who said to me two nights ago, "you know where you find a sponsor? in a meeting" because I hadn't been in a week and I need a sponsor.

Thank you for people who have 7 days, welcome, you're going to be ok.

Thank you to the people I work with Joh & Kim who are big pet lovers too and totally support.

Thank you for tonight, yoga teacher training field trip to The Bodies Exhibit

Thank you for tomorrow & Sunday, yoga teacher training and seeing Tad.

Thank you Hazel, my therapist who talked me through all my feelings especially guilt.  Who am I to have to choose to end a life?  Who am I?? 

Enormous thank you to my Dad.  Who answered my call on one ring when I had to make the decision to end Fred's life yesterday morning, who could give me good advise and followed up with me all day long.  Who's grown so much in the past year as a emotional support system.  Maybe it was there all along and I didn't notice or maybe we're growing together.  He was there yesterday, all day and it felt really nice to have that parental comfort.

Thank you Lulu, you looked so sad all day, then we had that little moment that David witnessed, I'm convinced it was Fred letting us know he was ok.  Something changed in that moment.  And thank you for bounding, wagging and going insane when I came from my AA meetings last night, it felt so good because this house feels so empty.  And I'm really happy that we have a new adventure starting today little doggie, I love you.

I miss you Fred.  This morning I believe in doggie heaven, yesterday when you died in my arms I didn't and I didn't feel god.  Today I do and I know you're ok. And I'm going to be ok and I'm really grateful for my time with you.  And I miss you, this sucks.

I'm going to hug Lulu now.

Shanon

 Lulu looking a bit sad yesterday