Trust and Faith

Trust..small word that means a lot.  Yesterday I had a long conversation about trust with my interim sponsor as we moved forward into the 4th step (this is my second round on the steps).

She asked me if with everything that has happened in my life if I had problems trusting people.  I whole heartedly told her, "no, I still want to trust and give everyone the benefit of the doubt until something happens, and I always hope for the best" it feels like faith.  Which is my middle name so I feel very connected to the word and have my entire life.  It's one thing I would like to thank my parents for giving me, my first name is spelled incorrectly which has caused me a lot of trouble but having a middle name such as Faith, you are born into having a lot of it.

Back to trust....like so many things that happen in my sober life the minute the suggestion of trust is brought up something happens to challange trusting someone.  And that's exactly what happened to me yesterday.

Someone I trust and have been very open with brought something  up with me that pretty much shook my core.  At first I had to question why this thing had such a strong impact on me.  Was it the actual act that upset me?  Not really, it was that I had been so open and in this small 5 second act I realized that I felt this person wasn't open with me prior to that moment.  I did my best possible acting job and continued on like nothing happened.  But, it made me question what else this person wasn't open with me about and really took away trust that was a foundation.  I felt myself grow very cold and really want to run away.  Very much like in the past where I just flee a bad situation or something that makes me uncomfortable.  

Now I need to look at several things.  How do I really feel about this person?  Is it just my ego that's bruised?  Am I really that upset?  Did my trust really go away?  And why doesn't this person feel they can be completely open with me?  Have I not laid the foundation for a safe place?  Am I not a good friend?  I need to see it from both of our perspectives and have compassion to better understand.

It's also pretty amazing that this comes right as I begin to write my 4th step resentment list.  This is how god words.  I still have faith and try to take away the understanding I'm supposed to receive from each situation.  This one is becoming pretty clear, slowly I'm looking at my part.

Anyway, this is what's weighing on my mind today, on this drizzly crappy March 23rd.  I'm also very excited to be headed back to my apartment after 5 days of house/dog sitting, there really is no place like home, I'm ready to return to my safe place.

Shanon