Finding Love In Yourself

I've been on a spiritual journey for several years now.  

Recently I dove in head first to really move myself forward as I had halted my path for a bit getting adjusted to living in a new city and making new friends. 

Truth is I have never fully loved myself.  I loved pieces of myself at different times of my life, but never fully loved me.

My whole life I faked my love for myself.  I never thought I was attractive, my body was never good enough, I wasn't smart enough, because of this dislike and insecurity in myself I seethed hatred for myself and others.  Perhaps not outwardly all the time, but it was there, for years I was drunk so that numbed my pain and made it tolerable to be around myself and other people.

Earlier this year I ended a serious relationship, really one of the first long term relationships I've had in sobriety.  This relationship helped me see all of the ways in the past I enabled my partners, not loving myself enough to believe I was worthy of someone actually loving me.  Loving me for who I really was, not for what I could give them or who my friends were. 

Oddly I also understood that the task of someone loving me for myself was impossible in the past, because I never loved myself. 

Upon ending this relationship I started my understand my worth and with that I had uncovered a smidgen of love for myself, true love.  

Feeling good and feeling love I began to attract all types of people into my life.  Positive people who really liked me for me.  The first time in my life I could be myself without being attached to a name, brand, another person or job.  It was freeing.

A few weeks ago a new friend I made asked me, "How does it feel to no longer be fascinating?" Oddly enough I didn't take offence to the question.  To tell the truth it's freeing to not be attached to all of the material things or outside things of my old life.  Learning how to be myself in the past year has been a wonderful and trying journey.  We talked for a while about our spiritual paths and my friend retracted his statement, "You are still fascinating."  

Life today is quiet, it's not glamorous, no longer filled with wild parties, rock stars and such.  My life today is filled with love and understanding of myself, that grows daily.

This summer I had a brief affair that gave me all the things I thought I wanted from a romance.  Attention, kind words, amazing sex, no commitment, for a while it was terrific.  Then I was challenged through my spiritual work with a task to no longer have sex without commitment or love for 30 days.  It threw a monkey wrench in my simple non committed affair.  

As my 30 days passed I realized that my summer romance was just empty.  My love for myself grew in this time, I was able to give myself the respect I deserved.   I ended it. 

During my 30 days I knew I no longer wanted just a quick romance or affair.  I loved myself and I was ready to love someone else.  This person wasn't the one, he was kind and fun, but not my soul mate.  I was able to detach with love for them, myself and to hopefully be a friend to this person moving forward. 

Loving myself, showing up for myself and giving myself the respect I finally deserve has given me the best gift of my life, understand and inner peace.

It took a long time to get here, it was so worth the journey.  

I'm going to continue my work, life just keeps getting better. 

Namaste