Sometimes I sleep like the dead, some nights I'm up and wired. Mostly it's my brain I can't shut off and usually it's the impact of a person or situation that weighs heavy on my mind that keeps me up. There is nothing I can do about the person or situation, but yet I stay awake thinking of it.
For a while I used to IM with friends around the world. Nile Rodgers the music producer also has really bad insomnia, we became insomnia writing friends, he lives his life in the middle of the night. I might reach out and say hello in a bit.
Tonight I decided to write this blog entry. Most nights I'll do some writing when insomnia strikes. Since I've been dealing with insomnia for many years I don't fight it anymore. I'll get up write, eat, read, do the things I need to do until my body and mind are ready to return to a state of slumber. Tonight I write, I've been reading this french book on some very saucy romances so maybe that will be next on my awake hours to do list.
It's now 1:43am. I love this time of night. In Manhattan it's alive, you can leave the house and explore. Out here in Park Slope it's dead quiet. At the moment I have a cool breeze coming in 3 of the 4 windows in my bedroom, the Statue of Liberty is illuminated in the harbor and my petite dog Lulu is curled up at my side, every once in a while a little snore or coo comes from her small body.
For the past four days I have been taking a Teen Yoga Teacher Training at Karma Kids. It's a pretty intense experience, reminding me of my teen years. The earlier part was filled with really sweet memories 12 and 13 years old, running around with my girlfriends, discovering music we loved, clothes, just starting to get into boys, but not in a way that caused insomnia. 14+ really is where the trouble started, boys, drugs, drinking, high school freedom. I'm not sure if trouble is the right word more like adventure. I think I was a pretty wild teen looking back, but then again who wasn't. We were crazy, driven by hormones, add pot smoking and liquor on to that situation and we were off to the races. Running around LA? Jeez the world was our oyster.
I liked my teenage years. In the book I'm working on there are a few passages that touch on situations I got myself into as a teen that I'm not necessarily proud of, insecurity, lack of love at home, looking for acceptance, all led to me putting myself in some pretty awkward places at times. I have to look back at all situations as part of the puzzle that created who I am today, and I like who I am today so I accept them with understanding.
Thing is, speaking of who I am today....I have no idea where I am going. It's the first time in my life I am not laying out a huge plan of action and to tell the truth I'm frightened as the days wear on. I feel like I am living on extremely borrowed time at the moment. Borrowed time without a security net.
The other night someone called me a control freak, someone I really don't know well. And yes that is a super huge part of me, who I have always been. I had to become a control freak because I grew up in a house hold that was so out of control it was the only way to feel safe.
Here I am, a control freak who is desperately trying to give up control of her life. Who is for the first time following her heart instead of the practical science of being an adult. I don't know what the future holds for me.
I'll continue to write, teach & practice yoga. These are the three things that bring me total joy. I'll continue as hard as it is to give up control, turn things over to my higher power and try really hard to believe in love.
Shanon
Sunset in Park Slope from my bedroom window earlier this evening, god in action.
