To Be Loved

June is the month people traditionally get married, in Roman times it was to celebrate the birth of Juno, Jupiter's wife who was the goddess of marriage and children. 

The tradition has stuck and for myself after many years of no friends tying the knot, I have three weddings this month in various locations around the U.S. to attend. 

It's interesting to be an observer of love, everyone does it a bit differently yet the same in many ways. 

Yesterday I spent some quality time w a friend in NYC who had been on and off in her relationship with now husband for many years before finally getting hitched. She expressed even after all these years how crazy in love she was with him. We recalled the last time they broke up (me being a neutral party in the relationship having all the details from both sides) and when he finally realized how he had messed up, wanted her back he called me for advice, of course I knew she would take him back in a minute, I also knew she deserved to be romanced and apologized for the agony he had put her through during that six months. She hadn't recalled hearing that story, yet seemed touched by the call, "I messed up, how do I get her back?!" I was honored and thrilled to be the receipiant of that call because I knew the answer!! 

I also knew this relationship would be a strong one, you can tell a lot especially when you've been there yourself. Once you've been in a marriage you realize it really is a different game.  No one can predict the future but as I watch these folks say "I do" it gives me hope that people still believe in love and marriage, even on their second and third tries. It also reminds me that I can feel that hope as well, I just need to continue to open myself up a little and do the work that helps me repair the trust and broken parts of my heart. 

Nostalgic For Love

Clearly when love is lost your mind tells you it will never happen again.  We've all been there once, twice, who can count the times? Well, maybe some of us can.  The last few days music has been reminding me of times of my life I felt love, or thought I was in love. Today was a large musical walk down memory lane. 

It's funny what can trigger a feeling.  When you get sober you are advised to stay away from people, places and things that trigger feelings to drink.  Most of the time you have to learn the hard way, doing something stupid, wanting to drink then going to an AA meeting and talking about it, you learn not to do it again, if you're one of the lucky ones.  

Music was my trigger today but in a positive way, it made me nostalgic.  Nostalgia equals happy memories. 

Hearing some songs earlier triggered a very happy time in my life, today I felt very nostalgic for love, not the love i recently lost but for a love I had a long time ago. 

This love was not perfect, it's highs and lows were intense, this love was just like a movie.

It had all the bells and whistles.  I remember the moment I thought, "oh good lord, you are in big trouble now,"  looking at him standing outside a bar in the East Village sharing a cigarette in the rain.

We had a great love for a short time and great romance, it was filled with laughter, passion and drama.  

One Christmas we went to the movies to see, "Benjamin Button" and during the most romantic part of the film where Cate Blanchette and Brad Pitt were the same age, living in their one room apartment with a mattress on the floor, never leaving except to get food, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "that reminds me of us."

Today I felt nostalgic for a moment in time, music reconnected me for a little while. I believe it reminded me that hearts can mend and love is ever present if you want it. Each love is unique and as we grow the heart needs different things.  

It's nice to be nostalgic for a bit, I think it cracked my heart open a little more, and when the heart opens the light is able to get in.

It's Always Sunnier In California

Where do I begin to sum up the gratitude I feel now as I return from my trip to California. 

So much healing, so much closure, support and unconditional love.

My best friend Carrie who saw my pain, scooped me up w a plane tix and a place to stay. My eternal gratitude is with you I can't begin to say thank you enough, you helped me save my life. 

AI Weiwei for the inspiration and reminder that we all have voices, they need to be heard and respected. 

Rebecca Rosen for bringing for my Team Spirit, allowing my heart to beat again after the brokenness I felt from the loss of my Nana Dorothy and dog Lulu. Two major members of my Team Spirit, they confirm again the other side, the unconditional love and guidance we receive from it if we are open and do the work. 

My dear friend Moira who's spiritual wisdom and kindness never ceases to awe me. I thank you so much for your hospitality but than that your inspirational heart. 

Team LA, loves of my life my sister Brooke who is the original free spirit, David Jarrett who's laugh makes me smile more than most, the Laks' my extended family whom I would eat if possible all four of them, that's love. Shauna for growing up to be an insightful women, she reminds me to follow your dreams and if you wanna sleep in a loft in the ceiling or the floor of a closet to do it do it with joy and a giggle. 

Of course what a terrific reunion with Raerae who I consider my greatest accomplishment, she had the raw goods, now she's a powerhouse. Oakes and Soren, who's steadfastness is a force. America! America! Go West! 

Oh geez, I can't forget about my spiritual partner Mo. I'm one lucky human that I get this one in my life, he reminds me and challenges my mind with questions I would have never thought of myself. And he sits through all my insane stories w a calmness and an open mind. Thank you my friend. 

Kimzo, my beachy soul sister, who I've had the pleasure to watch her grow into a spiritual insightful woman who not only cracks me up with her genius-ness, inspires me with her creative soul and honest heart. 

Plus all kinds of new friends. 

Thank everyone for the inspiration and on my healing journey. 

As I touch down in Detroit I feel like I have closure and a new path. 

Here we go......

Beautiful urban farm we visited and ate the most incredible bfst. 

Good reminder from a new friends daughter. 

Team Spirit

 When I planned my trip to San Francisco to visit my best friend from high school Carrie there was no particular reasoning for the dates we picked except they seemed to work best with our individual schedules.

As many of you know last June I had to put my dog Lulu down, after almost 17 years, it was heartbreaking and shortly thereafter while studying for my Reiki Master Certification in July, my teacher Lisa Guyman suggested I buy a tix to see Rebecca Rosen, a medium who was highly spiritual and visited Metro Detroit once a year. I purchased the tix for her November visit and kind of forgot about it. 

Seeing Rebecca in November was a spiritual life changer for me. Not only did it confirm that there was an entire realm on the otherside, the second night (I had to go back) out of 750 people in the small theatre my precious Lulu stopped by with a message for me. 

After experiencing Rebecca I read her 2nd book Awaken The Spirit Within, I cannot recommend this book enough, I was also lucky enough to share my experience with my Nana Dorothy two months before she passed. We spoke about what I had learned and experienced, my Nana seemed open to the idea there was something bigger but quite frankly thought it a little mashuga the dead dog was talking from the otherside, regardless she was supportive and held onto Rebccas book as she chatted with me about it all on a very clear day for her mentally. I think she also liked that Rebecca was Jewish, it gave her a bit more credibility to my 99 year old Nana. 

Yesterday I had the honor of being one in a group of 12 people to have a private two hour reading with Rebecca in San Francisco. She announced the date a week ago and apparently had not been to the Bay Area in several years, I had to buy a tix, they sold out within an hour. 

Knowing that you need to be focused and open I spent the hour prior meditating on from who I needed to hear and what my questions were, Rebecca actually said she saw me meditating earlier ad my response was, "I need to do the work," she smiled. 

We started with her group meditation, once we opened our eyes we began, "I'm going to start with the strongest spirit, Dorothy I see red shoes and the wizard of oz, who's grandmother or mother is Dorothy?" My hand went right up, my Nana was the spiritual ring leader!

I won't go into too many details but eventually I'll post an edited version of the audio. 

My Nana through Rebecca confirmed she was with my Grandfather Irving and her boyfriend Bill. That she was so happy to be talking to us, she believed in all of it, there was something on the otherside and it is beautiful. She said she watches and communicates with my father she calls herself my wingman and is with Lulu who is still working was my Guardian Angel. Lulu I was told also showed up to the first group, so clearly this little dog really connects with me!! 

My Auntie Fran and Cousin Lorne stopped by to say they were together and happy. As well as my Papa Katz, Papa George and Uncle Al. 

My Nana mentioned her boyfriend Bob, so I think I'll go check in on him when I get home, my dad and I visit with him as well as my Auntie Florence and Uncle Jack every few weeks. 

Messages were loud and clear, we know you have a lot of changes going on "Roll With It" "You don't need to do anything else for your family, or for someone else" 

My Nana asked me to write, or continue to write and Rebecca  suggested this as a way of communicating with Nana as she did when she started her journey. 

She also asked me if I had a ring with me and who Joe was, I told the group what I planned to do with the ring Joe gave me (throw it into the ocean in Big Sur, where he gave it to me a year ago) and that just that morning I was questioning that choice.  "Go Forward" you need to close the circle to heal and move on. "Let Go And Reset" was another one I heard.

Rebecca asked me if I was 39 years old and I laughed, but I told her that was the age I moved to Detroit to be with my Nana. She said it was time change, I was a natural born healer and if I choose that path I will be fulfilled. She said she saw Paris and I told her I had always wanted to live there and she said I should, I wouldn't be forever but it would be a short time and would be very good for me. Possibly a year, my Nana encouraged it. 

Rebecca told me that Arch Angel Michael works with me, which is an honor and I will stay more tuned into that moving forward. 

She also asked me about red lipstick and I told her that my Nana liked me to buy it for her, "we like a bold lip color, statement jewelry and blonde hair."And we all laughed. Just like in life my Nana stole the show! 

My Nana will be leaving me pennies, she says she had been putting them out, I'll start watching more closely. 

There was a lot more, but I think I touched on the most important things. 

I'm reading Rebecca's first book now Spirited, another suggested reading if any of this interests you. She believes we all have intuitive powers and can develop them to help lead better lives. 

My experience was beyond anything I've had to experience in this life, so much love and light, I feel so incredibly blessed.

One message that was loud and clear: 

ENJOY LIFE NOT ENDURE IT! 

Now get moving....

You Cannot Touch The Sky From Inside Yourself

My vacation to California has been one of healing. A lot of processing, understanding and bit by bit letting go what I can when it's available. 

It's hard to focus on your own issues when standing in front of the powerful AI Weiwei installation at Alcatraz Island, which brings up so many emotions while reminding you of those humans wrongfully inprisioned for speaking out again the heinous acts their government does to their people daily. We forget these people are alive and have voices that need to be heard. The power of Weiwei's art brought me to tears several times while visiting the island. It puts so much in perspective. 

But yet my healing is still my own healing and it doesn't hurt any less. 

Yesterday Carrie and I drove from Carmel to Big Sur to begin the final chapter in my healing journey, we stopped for breakfast at my favorite Big Sur Bakery, where we were greeted by an upbeat staff rocking out to The Allman Brothers on volume 11. An actual great way to begin the day plus perfect coffee and crossaints. 

We then made the scenic drive past Deetjens to Esalen Institute where I spent the next few hours soaking in the healing sulfer baths and receiving possibly the best massage of my life. 

Refreshed and ready for my next steps to "go forward" as told specifically by my spirit guides we drove to the Ragged Point Inn, what a view. Carrie took care of her work, while I found a spot to take care of mine. 

Overlooking a perfect point of the Pacfic Ocean I pulled from my purse the box that held the ring Joe had given to me a year ago on my birthday in Big Sur. A custom turquoise and silver piece, made with what I can only assume at the time was love. Looking at it now it no longer held sentimental value for me. There was no connection, just pain. I spoke out loud to the God of my understanding, asked for healing and forgiveness for my heart and my part in the broken relationship, prayed and threw it into the ocean. 

My circle was complete. 

This trip was my healing trip, to heal from loss, the loss of my Grandmother, the loss of my relationship and the loss of myself-who I misplaced during that time period. 

I do feel better. I don't feel 100% ready to open my heart to someone or trust again, but I know that I've made my peace with myself and that matters. 

Don't Quit Until The Miracle Happens

This was not the blog piece I intended to write, I actually have been working on a piece on intimacy, but clearly the universe has other things it needs me to see and say, so I'll go with what is put in front of me, this usually is the best way.

In two days I leave for California, I can only thank my best friend from high school Carrie for that, she has this ability to scrape me off the floor like no one else in the world, she did it once before in the early 90s and she came to my recuse again.

My anti-depressants are working! So thank you doctors and integrative health team in Dearborn Heights.  Incredible, blessing, now I get to work on quieting the voice in my head that reminds me of the damage I am trying to heal from on a daily basis.  I am doing the work for this to take place, slowly it will happen, I have faith, I've battled bigger beasts. 

So in anticipation of my trip I planned some activities I really wanted to do but had not had the opportunity on my last visits to the Bay Area.  I'll tour Alcatraz and the AI Weiwei installation that is on the island, amazing, as it closes two days after I leave (the exhibit, not the national park/prision). I'll bike tour through the city and over the Golden Gate, I love biking and am super excited, I have a weird fascination and fear of suspension bridges.  I once had a massive panic attack on the Golden Gate and oddly enough on the Brooklyn.  Is it possible that something happened in a past life to me on a suspension bridge?

Carrie and I will stay a night in Carmel then make our way down to Esalen Institute for massages and time in the healing sulfer baths that hang on the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

I also plan on healing by bringing the custom made ring that was given to me by my ex on my birthday visit to Big Sur last year and I'll be giving it to the Pacific Ocean.  It is an incredible thing how something that meant so much and seemed so heartfelt almost a year ago can make you physical ill to look at it, it looks and feels like a lie, a lie in fancy box. It was once run over by a car, I should have taken that as a sign of things to come.

But I regress, the trip will be wonderful and healing.  All the time something inside of me kept repeating, "wouldn't it be wild if Rebecca Rosen somehow appeared and did a reading in San Fran while you were there?"  I personally had never seen the Bay Area on her schedule, it's usually LA, Boulder, Denver, Metro Detroit, NYC and Texas.  But today the universe responded....

An email appeared, Rebecca Rosen will be doing TWO small group readings in San Francisco on Thursday 4/23.  WHAT?????  

So I did it.  The universe called, I answered.  Myself and 11 other people will join her next Thursday, I know my Nana is aware of the difficult time I have been having since her death and my break up with Joe.  She's letting me know and she is showing up.  I am beyond grateful, floored, my head is spinning.

My tix is booked, and of course the Rebecca Rosen book Spirited I ordered at the beginning of the week showed up last night in the mail. Universe, timing.

Basically, if you stay on the path, do the work, open yourself to the signs, pray, have faith and ask for help you get exactly what you need.

Or as they say in AA, Don't Quit Before The Miracle Happens.

With love, light and a drop of clarity. Shanon

A Grey Start To Spring

It is still grey here in Detroit, although spring has arrived.  The weather has gotten to me, there are sunny days that pop up in between that seem to promise change, sadly they quickly disappear and the gloomy grey returns. 

Each day brings a new struggle, especially when there is no sun. I almost prefer the snow on the ground, at least the white coat gleams something beautiful, it makes sense in the context of winter. All this grey sky, grey concrete along with the bare trees are a constant reminder of how I feel inside, a dead feeling, or the sad feelings, I only wish the feelings were actually dead, at least with death there is an ending. 

I realize I spend much of my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. How many of my hours wasted, even when I'm out doing things, there is an empty space within me that constantly hurts, nothing can fill it.  There are the moments of reprieve, they are few and far between, I am grateful for when they arrive, my head is somewhere else, then it returns and the hole is back.

There is a lot of learning when a relationship ends, I can say I've taken in a lot.  I am slowly understanding my part of its demise, things I should have done from the start that I knew where not the best ideas, I also knew I went into the relationship with a heart full of love and the best intentions, knowing somewhere in my gut that this person probably wasn't in the same place at the time, although they told me they were and they made me feel that things were going to be ok.  I trusted, I believed and I brought my faith in.

At the end of it all I feel used, judged, mistreated, misunderstood and easily discarded. Thrown away like old packaging, how wonderful it must be to be so free you can throw people away without a care and rebound so quickly. 

Although the hole within me is large and seems to be getting worse instead of healing, I have to constantly remind myself that I did my best to keep my part of the street clean, most of the issues were theirs.  This person was incapable of accepting me for who I was, which is ironic since it seemed that my free spirit is what drew me to them in the first place, eventually they constantly judged me and hurt my feelings, they made me feel as if they were embarrassed of me, towards the end they couldn't look me in the eye, be honest, hold my hand or sit with me.  These are not my issues, these solely belong to them. 

These things don't make this person a bad person, I have to understand that, it makes them a person who truly doesn't know themselves and if you aren't happy with yourself you will take that out on someone else, even if you say I love you a hundred times, it is meaningless.

When you love someone you love all of them, even their "flaws", acceptance, compassion, understanding, empathy, these are characteristics that make someone worth loving.

The worst part is I still love them, but I cannot remember why.

Soul Lessons

Everything happens exactly as it should, we are all on a path, I believe before we join this human experience our soul commits to a path, with the objective to learn and grow from lessons we failed to learn on our last journey, we grow when we hopefully achieve our pre-arranged goals and continue on to the next level. 

I was not born knowing this information, my beliefs are based on many years of acquiring knowledge from spirits more evolved than myself.

Faith is why I believe in all of this, my parents bestowed on me the middle name of Faith and for years I had none.  It was only when I returned to my path in 2009 that I began my true journey to understand what my purpose is while I'm in our human world.

I truly believe that my first step was getting sober, it was only through that small amount of clarity at 6 months of sobriety I was able to accept with real understanding the growth on my brain.  Through that beautiful gift I was able understand how important it was to not sweat the small stuff, be grateful for life and in that begin a journey to seek myself.  This is all very easy to forget by the way, we are all a work in progress. 

With the gift of sobriety and a brain cyst I was able to move forward, understanding that being of service to others was important and made me feel good.  I tried to be of service while seeking more information on how to be further in touch with the god of my understanding, building my faith in something bigger than myself.

Later I could detach from people, places and things with love, while slowly beginning to love myself.  

The past three years have been a challenging part of my journey, with my faith I was able to make a huge move to Detroit and spend quality time building important relationships with my Grandmother and Father, relationships I always wanted as a child but unfortunately couldn't have until now.  

I opened my heart and was able to love someone as a sober woman, but lost myself along the way reverting back to fear which ruled many of my relationships in the past and complacency which also sprung up from past experiences I didn't out grow.  I lost my Grandmother, and only because of a return to my spiritual work I was able to accept her death and be present for myself, my Grandmother and my family. 

I lost my love, which was and is painful, through this lI learned that the true loss I had suffered was within myself and leaving gave me the gift of returning to the piece of my life that helps keep me on my spiritual path.  

The understanding of my journey, continuing the work daily, this is what makes me who I am, this work returns me to my path when I step off, it helps me to heal, grow, detach with love and is a constant reminder that my higher power works through me, if I stop the work the darkness grows, you can't have light without dark, but you can decide to continue to shine.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

The heart, we each have one, it beats, some days in perfect rhythm, some times it breaks, when it breaks it feels like nothing can put it back together. 

Mine is broken now.  It's not the first time, but it doesn't hurt any less. 

Over time it will mend, over time I will feel better.  Now I don't. 

Spring is around the corner, as much as the snow still sits on the ground, someone recently promised me tulips will be arrive March 21st.

I know that over the next few weeks I have travel to look forward to, reconnecting with friends and new adventures.

These things will help with the healing process.

I'll continue to work my processes to heal, my processes take a little more time than others, I'm passionate, when I give my love and trust it's real and deep, when those things are broken my healing takes a while.  

That's ok, I like who I am at my core, I am a person with the capacity to grow, learn and continue on this journey.

When You Know There Is Something Better

Something incredible happens when you get sober. 

First off, if you have the miracle happen, the little door/window cracks open and the message gets through you're one of the lucky ones.

Once you detox your poor body, freak out a bunch, ride the pink cloud, freak out again and have a little time under your hat you find out a secret only sober people know, nothing is that bad and eventually you'll feel better.

When your life is so bad you want to die every day and you pray for that to happen, you aren't living.  That happened to me at the end of my drinking.  It happened fast, my bottom, for that I am grateful, I never had a struggle with trying to stop, I just woke up one morning and walked to an AA meeting.  That is of course after standing on the edge of a subway platform thinking about throwing myself and my two dogs I was carrying in front of the on coming train.  I didn't, I made it to that Saturday morning meeting at Greenwood after getting Fred and Lulu safely home.

That day I heard my pain told by other people, people I would have never spoken to before for no other reason but I had no reason to speak to them.  I cried, they told me I would be ok, that day my life began to change. 

The thing I continue to remind myself is no matter what happens I know everything will be ok.  I'm not standing on the edge of a subway platform trying to kill myself and innocent animals, I'm not trying to drink myself to death nightly in my house, I get up and take each day as it comes. 

I've had the privilege of watching so many people I care about get sober, also struggle, fail, get sober again and stay sober.  It's a beautiful thing to see their lives flourish. 

For years I've had to sit and watch someone who I care very much about struggle, I've been to ALANON meetings, and it helped, I had to detach with love, and recently I had to speak with them again.  It is so heartbreaking to see someone not know that if they just walked through that door a whole world would open up, filled with inspiring people who will be there for you, hold you while you struggle and love you unconditionally until you can learn to love yourself.  

It is so sad, this persons entire life is ruled by fear. 

The other day an old friend came to town and we discussed another person, a mutual friend who I've been saving a seat for in the rooms, my friend who doesn't have a problem straight up said, "they are just going to die, i think that is their bottom."  Awful. But I do think they had a strong point. 

Today speaking with old friends who have been taking care of my long time struggling person sadly echo'd a similar sentiment about them, "they are hopeless"

These are all words of non program people, all non addicts or alcoholics.  No one is hopeless and no one has to die.  I only know this because it happened to me.  We can't physically help them or put ourselves in harms way to do so.  These people only need our prayers and hopefully they hear when that window of opportunity cracks open to let them know it is time to get help. 

Love Letter To My Soul Mate(s)

Soul Mate(s), there is a great episode on SITC where Carrie realizes her soul mate isn't one person, and it isn't a man, it is her friends.

This morning I woke up realizing the same thing, how incredible blessed I am to have a circle of women around me who have been there, they inspire, make me laugh, we annoy each other, get jealous when someone loses weight and can fit into a sample size even though we are also thrilled for that person, we support, and each live incredibly individual lives.

These women live around the world, we communicate through texts, skype, email, Facebook, Instagram and when modern time allows us to be around at the same time telephone calls.  We are always in each others lives somehow.  I never feel out of touch with these women, even when months go by, the moment we reconnect in person, is like no time has passed although we have a lot of details to catch up on.  

Incredible bonds, we often say one day we are going to start a commune and live together, I can't even imagine, because my face would hurt from laughing all the time.

My soul mate isn't one man, it is the women I have created loving bonds with over the years, the ones that show up for each break up, health scare, or just because, the ones for no matter how long or short in between visits easily transition into the next, these are my heros, my inspiration, my soul mates and the loves of my life. 

Manic Panic: Let It Go

Woo woo is how I describe the manic panic that comes over me when I start over thinking any situation.  For the first week or two after my recent breakup the woo woo was a heavy battle, my head was spinning in that stressful area that I can only assume everyone goes to after major life changes.  Plus I was living out of a suitcase at my parents house while they were out of town until I could move into my new apartment.  My version of homeless.  It knocks you out of wack. 

Feeling bad about yourself, unworthy, confused, defeated, pretty much run the course of post breakup feelings then throw homelessness on top of it in the middle of an endless snowstorm and tada! 

Only a few days ago I found myself sitting in my car smoking (after 18 months of non-smoking), freaking out in a panic about what exactly I wasn't quite sure, but it was enough to give me a restless night sleep in which I wrote to my best man friend of many years, "what's wrong with me?  why can't I find someone to love?"  He sweetly wrote back about the human condition and everyones need to be love, I'm pretty sure he said there was nothing wrong with me either, but I can't remember because I feel like I've been on a bender for the past month and my brain is filled with holes.  And at the end of the day, there really is nothing wrong with me. 

The next day, I felt different, it was like I crossed over in to OKville.  Maybe it was the latest episode of GIRLS where Hannah returns to NYC to find Adam is in a new relationship, after she freaks out, they have a heart to heart and she realizes as much as it hurts he needed to move on.  Something about that episode clicked so much for me. Yes television, smart television, plus the episode when Marni gets her ass eaten out by Desi is hysterical, whoa, I wonder what Brian Williams thought of that action. 

I digress, something clicked for me this week.  I'm lighter, I'm getting it and I'm healing nicely.  I missed myself, she's pretty frickin awesome, every few years she gets into a relationship, takes a mini vacation and gets lost.  I'm happy she is back, I'm going to work on taking good care of her this time, keeping her front and center. 

And here is Marni and Desi from GIRLS incase you're not avid watcher

Three Goodbyes That Helped Me Grow

In the last 7 months I have lost three important souls in my life.

June 19, 2014 I said goodbye to my dearest pup Lulu, my heart broke as I held her and thanked her for showing me so much over the 16 years, the greatest lesson while she was with me was teaching me how to be an adult, to take responsibility and care for a life other than myself.  It took me a long time to understand this, almost 16 years, but this little ball of love in a fur coat brought so much happiness, my debit to her is immeasurable. 

Her death led me to medium Rebecca Rosen who showed me that there is an afterlife.  Lulu reached out to me through Rebecca just to let me know she in death was now watching over me as a guardian angel, much like she did in her life.  The message Rebecca and Lulu shared with me gave me peace and understanding that there is much more on the other side and to not be so afraid, but have faith. This process helped prepare me for the next responsibility I would take on, the death of my beloved Grandmother Dorothy Chaiken...

January 15, 2015
Many of you know I had moved to Detroit in 2012 to help take care of my Nana Dorothy, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be apart of her life in a bigger way.  Over the past two and three-quarters years we had many adventures together, it was a honor and my pleasure to be able to spend quality time with a women who was more than a Grandmother, she was a force of nature.  A story teller, singer, dancer, leader, model and fashionista up until the end of her life.  When she left us I was there to hold her hand and say thank you, tell her it was ok to go and that I loved her.  

Nothing prepares us for the death of someone you love, even when they spent 99 incredible yeas on the planet, it never seems to be enough.  I know that she is on the other side, watching over me, giving me strength and love.  My two ladies Dorothy and Lulu watch over me, I can feel it.

January 28, 2015
Only last week I made a very difficult decision to end and incredibly important relationship with someone I loved dearly.  Although my heart is heavy, I know that I am doing the right thing for both of us.  It is hard to love and respect someone and then try in a completely unselfish way be able to know that being apart will bring more to each of us as individuals. Some moments are more uncomfortable than others.  Most of them are peaceful, I feel like finally at 42 years and 9 months old I understand myself and how I want to be loved and give love in return. 

Saying Goodbye

About 3 years ago I was living in Brooklyn and my grandmother had recently moved back to West Bloomfield from years in Ft Lauderdale after her long time companion Bill had gotten ill.

She seemed very sad depressed.

On a telephone call she said to me, “I wish you lived here so we could be closer.”  A light went off in my head after we hung up, “I could move to Detroit, couldn’t I?  Be closer to my grandmother and help take care of her.”  Three months later I found myself packed up and on my way to live in Detroit.

It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It has been an honor to help take care of my Nana for the past 2 years and 9 months.

We had a very special relationship, it was more than just grandmother and granddaughter, we became friends.  We talked about things in deep confidence.  She trusted me and I was honored.

Family had always been the most important thing to my grandmother and there were many things that took place in our family that had caused our family to grow apart.  This was something that shook her core.

When we were told that Dorothy was in the last hours of her life, she defied the medical experts and stayed with us for several more days.  Family gathered at her bedside to love her and say goodbye, she stayed with us.  We worried she was struggling and were perplexed with what it could be about; I had my personal thoughts on her fears and faith although Tyra one of her caregivers told me recently her faith seemed restored.

On Thursday a caring social working suggested that maybe she needed to hear goodbye from people who hadn’t been near all week, we jumped on the phone with every family and friend we could think of to help her on her journey.

After we were done, several cousins and I sat feeling good about the work we had finished.  We also realized that we had not been this close since we were children and through Dorothy our love and connection had been rekindled.  We promised to honor her, our family and ourselves by staying in each others lives.

45 mins after our realization my grandmother passed peacefully as I held her hand along with my father, my cousins Bradley and Jennifer and Teresa her incredible caregiver.

After she passed we realized she hadn’t been struggling with her own issues, she needed us to do our work before she could leave. She needed us to be ok, she needed her family to come together and be a family again.

Beautiful Life

I am blessed.  

Tonight during a wonderful slow flow/yin class with Nick Presser (take class with him at Yoga Shelter Midtown) I started smiling and became filled with the full appreciation of life. My life.

Like any human I have hard days, challenges and wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  But I wake up, every day, I'm living my dash.

A few years ago my dear friend Jake told me the story of Living Your Dash and I was so inspired I wrote a blog entry on it, still one of the most favorite things I've ever written.

LIVE YOUR DASH BLOG

Lately I'm living my dash more than ever, making incredible friends in my new city of Detroit, hanging out with my 97 year old Grandmother, working with my Father, falling in love with biking & hula hooping, picking organic fruits and veggies on my friends' farm, walking down by the river, swimming at Belle Isle, traveling, practicing yoga and meditation.

Tonight I felt strong in yoga class, my body felt strong, I took deep breaths and smiled, laughed.  Life is an incredible gift.  Appreciate it, respect it, live your dash....

Insomnia is not a four letter word

I couldn't sleep for about 12 years.  Then I could.  Tonight I can't.  Welcome to insomnia.


Sometimes I sleep like the dead, some nights I'm up and wired.  Mostly it's my brain I can't shut off and usually it's the impact of a person or situation that weighs heavy on my mind that keeps me up.  There is nothing I can do about the person or situation, but yet I stay awake thinking of it.


For a while I used to IM with friends around the world.  Nile Rodgers the music producer also has really bad insomnia, we became insomnia writing friends, he lives his life in the middle of the night.  I might reach out and say hello in a bit. 


Tonight I decided to write this blog entry.  Most nights I'll do some writing when insomnia strikes.  Since I've been dealing with insomnia for many years I don't fight it anymore.  I'll get up write, eat, read, do the things I need to do until my body and mind are ready to return to a state of slumber.  Tonight I write, I've been reading this french book on some very saucy romances so maybe that will be next on my awake hours to do list.


It's now 1:43am.  I love this time of night.  In Manhattan it's alive, you can leave the house and explore.  Out here in Park Slope it's dead quiet.  At the moment I have a cool breeze coming in 3 of the 4 windows in my bedroom, the Statue of Liberty is illuminated in the harbor and my petite dog Lulu is curled up at my side, every once in a while a little snore or coo comes from her small body.


For the past four days I have been taking a Teen Yoga Teacher Training at Karma Kids.  It's a pretty intense experience, reminding me of my teen years.  The earlier part was filled with really sweet memories 12 and 13 years old, running around with my girlfriends, discovering music we loved, clothes, just starting to get into boys, but not in a way that caused insomnia.  14+ really is where the trouble started, boys, drugs, drinking, high school freedom.  I'm not sure if trouble is the right word more like adventure.  I think I was a pretty wild teen looking back, but then again who wasn't.  We were crazy, driven by hormones, add pot smoking and liquor on to that situation and we were off to the races.  Running around LA?  Jeez the world was our oyster.  


I liked my teenage years.  In the book I'm working on there are a few passages that touch on situations I got myself into as a teen that I'm not necessarily proud of, insecurity, lack of love at home, looking for acceptance, all led to me putting myself in some pretty awkward places at times.   I have to look back at all situations as part of the puzzle that created who I am today, and I like who I am today so I accept them with understanding.


Thing is, speaking of who I am today....I have no idea where I am going.  It's the first time in my life I am not laying out a huge plan of action and to tell the truth I'm frightened as the days wear on.  I feel like I am living on extremely borrowed time at the moment.  Borrowed time without a security net.


The other night someone called me a control freak, someone I really don't know well.  And yes that is a super huge part of me, who I have always been.  I had to become a control freak because I grew up in a house hold that was so out of control it was the only way to feel safe.  


Here I am, a control freak who is desperately trying to give up control of her life.  Who is for the first time following her heart instead of the practical science of being an adult.  I don't know what the future holds for me.  


I'll continue to write, teach & practice yoga.  These are the three things that bring me total joy.  I'll continue as hard as it is to give up control, turn things over to my higher power and try really hard to believe in love.


Shanon

Sunset in Park Slope from my bedroom window earlier this evening, god in action.

Listen To What The Man Says...

I have a head cold.  It sucks.  Summer colds are the worst you sweat and sniffle and sweat.  No bueno. 

The last week I've been tossing and turning unable to sleep, my mind is racing constantly and I've got pretty nutty things going on in there.

In AA we are being constantly told to turn it over to god for the answer.  But of course I think I'm turning it over to god, but I turn it over the Magic 8 Ball at Baby Cakes that gives me advise as well, then I sit, dwell and drive myself slightly nutty, only it's more like, "oh, I'm nutty, ok, next" in the past nutty was seriously bat shit crazy, now it's a few nights of sleeplessness followed by spurts of wacky thoughts, then I get busy and forget about whatever I was nutty about in the first place until the next morning. 

Once I get over this cold and get back to life and yoga my mind will get out of nutty.

Anyway, a bunch of answers seemed to have emerged today on various topics. 

The one thing I always forget in this journey is my friend Moby gives the best advise.  He has for the past several years of my life, seriously I have no idea where he was this morning when we began emailing at 5am, I really need to remember to listen to him more often.  He's always right, he's a little oracle.  It's like I'm the bratty child who wants a Goose that lays golden eggs and Mo is Willie Wonka telling me to stop, then turn it over and stop thinking what I want is the way.  Once again he was right.  So kudos to my dear friend who once again centered me and reminds me I'm not driving this bus, it's god. 

So with all of these revelations.  Here is what's going on in my little life in a list format.

A. I'll be consulting part time for KO

B. Which means I have more summer time!! Who wants me to come and stay with them at their beach/lake house and teach them yoga??

C. I get to teach kids yoga in the garden during the daytime!

D. I get to do my apprenticeship without worrying about getting to a job

E. Marisol & I are teaching our vinyasa class on Weds nights at 6/15 Green Community Garden at 7pm

F. I'm going to teach yoga at a really cool digital media company this summer, finalizing this on Weds!  Fun!! They have an outdoor space, how lovely.

G. I can't spend as much money as I have been lately, oof shopping must end!

H. I need to figure out what I am going to do with my life come September....I feel the urge to move out of NYC.  Hawaii, Europe?? Who knows where yoga will lead me.

I. The man I thought I wanted in my life is with someone else now and that's ok.  He wasn't the one for me and as I think about so many things, he didn't really deserve me.  I guess all my visions don't come true, maybe it wasn't him that I saw? Who knows.  Have I written about these visions before?  I can't remember.

That's about all from 15th St & 6th Ave.  Oh there is apparently a rapist in the neighborhood to please be cautious walking around by yourself ladies.

Back to resting for Lulu and I.  

Marisol and I go to kids yoga teacher training beginning on Thursday!  How awesome is that, I can't wait.  

Peace

 - Shanon

Photo Moby sent me of the sunrise in St Petersberg