Below is my post from the 10th Anniversary of the 9/11 attacks in 2011.
This year I spend the 11th Anniversary in the suburbs of Detroit, it's a beautiful fall day, much like 9/11/01, but very far removed from what happened that day.
I still love NYC, it's still my home, where my soul lives along with the loves of my life. I will never forget that day and the days following the attacks. I am grateful that I lived through the experience.
This morning I head to school, my thoughts and prayers always go out to everyone involved in 9/11, everyone affected deserves a prayer.
Below written 9/11/11:
I've lived in NYC since winter 1997.
For many years on St Marks between 1st Ave & Ave A, pretty great place to live in your 20s. Rent controlled apartment left to me by an old boyfriend, 4th floor walk up, filled with booze, friends, parties, late nights and a ton of memories.
Now I live in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I'm 39, divorced and sober.
On September 11, 2001 I was married and working at a job I wasn't really happy at in event marketing in the Flat Iron. Although I made some of my dearest friends working at that company.
That morning I slept in a bit later than usual, it was perfectly sunny and clear outside, I remember peeping out of the window next to my bed and thinking the weather reminded me of LA, which I was still homesick for, I missed waking up to clear sunny days everyday. So I went back to sleep.
When I woke up I picked up the phone (a landline with a 212 area code) to tell work I would be a bit late and the phone was dead, yelled to the husband to fix the phone convinced he had broken it and jumped in the shower. That crappy little bathroom which eventually had a hole in the floor you could see into the downstairs neighbors bathroom, it was that type of building.
While in the shower I heard my husband flip to the tv and then, "oh my god oh my god".
Of course I thought my husband was always so overreactive I kind of ignored him. Then I saw the tv.
Immediately I was convinced it was an accident. One plane had hit the World Trade Center. In fact I had just read a story about a small plane hitting the Empire State Building 40+ years earlier and it seemed to make perfect sense, my husband thought otherwise, "terrorists". "There is no way, that is an accident"
With that I dressed and we went up the roof of our building where there was a clear view of the tower. By the time we got upstairs the second plane had hit. There was a group of people on our roof and all the roofs of the East Village.
While we all stood there dumbfound, watching smoke billow out of the buildings a young black man walked onto the roof, he had just woken up. "What's going on?" We explained what we knew, his mouth dropped open. My mom works in the Trade Center, I need to call her and he headed down to his apartment.
At this point my husband and I decided the best thing was for me to check in to my office and he would head down to the World Trade Center to help. He is very tall 6'10" and thought he could be of help to emergency workers. It seemed like a good idea.
I started my walk down St Marks towards 4th Ave. When I got 2 blocks away two bus boys standing outside of a cafe said "they've hit the Pentagon".
Panic set in, we were at war, actual war. I headed back home quickly, my husband was running up the block to find me. I started crying, we went home.
Calming me down we decided that our plan was still for me to head to work where I could safely be with people and he would head downtown. We left home and walked to Broadway, I headed north, he headed south.
I walked up Broadway and then west to 5th Ave through Union Square. When I reached 5th Ave a clear view of downtown and the World Trade Center, someone yelled, "the towers are collapsing" Tons of people walking up 5th Avenue turned around as the towers fell. I turned north and stopped watching, I needed to get to my office.
Reaching my office everyone who made it to work was in the conference room crying or in shock. One person was missing her boyfriend, she was on the phone with him when the plane hit, the phone went dead.
After realizing my husband had been down there I started to panic, "was he there when the towers fell?"
My friend Molly walked in crying, we were missing friends setting up a concert in the middle of the plaza that was in between the towers. She couldn't get a hold of anyone.
A while later my husband walked in filled with dust, he was down there when the towers fell and took cover in a building vestibule.
The girl from my office found her boyfriend and all of our friends were ok, it did take a few days to track everyone down.
I honestly don't remember too much more about 9/11/01.
People stayed at my house because they couldn't get home, my friend Stefan and I got rip roaring drunk at Winnie's and ended up in some crazy Israeli peoples car who were on ecstasy, downtown was on lockdown and there was a smell that I pray I never smell again. Acrid, indescribable beyond that word that lasted for a long time.
We brought food and money to firehouses to thank them. It was ok to cry and hug a stranger. Give blood, stop and read all the missing person notices and just cry.
A year later on 9/11/02 I flew to Michigan on a business trip. That day I had my first panic attack, I have no idea if it was related. Panic attacks were something I dealt with for years afterwards.
9/11 is also three friends birthdays: Tara, Moby and Ted. They are all vegans or vegetarians. Interesting.
This year 9/11 is in your face, 10th anniversary. It's forced me to look at how much my life has changed since that day. Man, it's changed.
10 years seems like forever ago. I'm very grateful that I didn't know anyone in the towers, I have one friend that lost someone. Once in a while I meet a person that lost someone. For us it's easy to forget 9/11 a good portion of the time, they live with it everyday.
I love New York, someone asked me today if I was scared of terriorists. No, this is my home, Brooklyn/Manattan/NYC, this is where I am whole and myself, where I am truely supposed to be, I am proud of this city and proud to be a New Yorker.
Today/tonight I send my thoughts, prayers, love and light to everyone who was affected by 9/11. Which I hope is everyone in the world, never forget those who were lost, the freedom we are blessed with as people living in America, the wonderful creative city that is NYC and that life is precious, give a stranger a hug, I bet it will make you both feel better.
Shanon
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Je n'aime pas le compost
urgh, compost. i don't like.
part of being a member of the community garden here in park slope is working two open hour shifts, lovely, you kick back for 2 hours at a time and chill while children and adults enjoy the garden....
and for me a non-gardener, two shifts of composting.
gross, i just shoveled compost from bin to bin for several hours. one bin was really smelly, there are a ton of bugs and worms.
decomposition is interesting, don't get me wrong and i appreciate people doing this composting work, doing it myself, i don't like so much.
if anyone I knew saw me they would die laughing, i was wearing new nikes, current elliot jeans, a hype top and a button down plaid cowboy shirt, covered in dirt.
and to top it all off someone locked me in the garden, hello, do you not see me shoveling here dude?
thank gawd i'm in decent shape because i really only took a few little water breaks to catch my breath
i'll be in the garden again saturday morning if the hurricane allows moving rotting food from one bin to another, feel free to come on down and poke fun at me
part of being a member of the community garden here in park slope is working two open hour shifts, lovely, you kick back for 2 hours at a time and chill while children and adults enjoy the garden....
and for me a non-gardener, two shifts of composting.
gross, i just shoveled compost from bin to bin for several hours. one bin was really smelly, there are a ton of bugs and worms.
decomposition is interesting, don't get me wrong and i appreciate people doing this composting work, doing it myself, i don't like so much.
if anyone I knew saw me they would die laughing, i was wearing new nikes, current elliot jeans, a hype top and a button down plaid cowboy shirt, covered in dirt.
and to top it all off someone locked me in the garden, hello, do you not see me shoveling here dude?
thank gawd i'm in decent shape because i really only took a few little water breaks to catch my breath
i'll be in the garden again saturday morning if the hurricane allows moving rotting food from one bin to another, feel free to come on down and poke fun at me
Moving compost into wheel barrows, actually looks nice in this photo, lucky for you it's not scratch and sniff
In other news.....
i'm addicted to twitter, feel free to following me chaiks on twitter. i tweet all day long about really stupid stuff, even less interesting and more bubble headed than many of my blogs
i had a good book project meeting today, that's all i'll say because i have a shit ton amount of work to get moving on
also a banner therapy day w hazel, who've i decided to name the female in my new book project that my friend tad and i are working on, i have no idea what he's naming his male character, but mine is hazel after my kick ass therapist
we took a look at my goals when i went into therapy shortly after getting sober (maybe 2 weeks?) and where i was at now...surprise, i've accomplished them. man, i never in a million years would have believed the change the last two years has brought, lots of work, this isn't easy stuff. the work is hard but so rewarding and actually fun cos who doesn't want to sit around and talk about themselves for two years to anyone who will listen?
which leads me back to the narcissist topic from the other night. i re-read the narcissist article from Psychology Today, i even loaned my copy to hazel which i think tickled her.
first and foremost, i dated and lived with a narcissist, a perfect text book example. wholly crap, when i read the article the only human i could see was this person. i kind of want to send them this article, but as i learned live in person and in the article narcissist don't like it when you tell them they are less than handsome and smart, etc. I once told this person they only had what they had because they were handsome & lived in that good looking person bubble and they were pissed! but i told them they were an asshole a million times and it rolled off them, text book case
what i did realize is that i totally have a narcissistic streak. it's mellowed out, but when i was actively drinking it was full tilt boogie. most of the people i've surrounded myself with my entire life are also narcissist, performers, front people, musicians, actors, etc. creative people tend to like and dislike themselves.
i just thought the whole thing was really interesting, the article is brilliant, i can't suggest reading it enough, august 2011 issue
next....
oh, therapy.
so i set my next goals. very different. one thing i'm going to work on is a healthy romantic relationship, cos i'm messed up in this department.
i need to figure out what i want so that i can ask for it, how can i be a good partner when i'm so confused?
most women know what they want, kids, husband, blah, blah. it's never been my thing. there are moments that it sounds good and i'll do a little day dreaming but when i did have the husband and the potential to have the kids i was miserable, now that could be because i had the wrong husband, who knows
but figuring out what i want in a relationship is a big goal of mine moving forward
i'm tired of being the person that starts sweating, having mini-panic attacks and needs to get out of said man-friends apartment asap when we are done in bed
not cool
yes, i am a work in progress, that is cool and i accept that, a day at a time
have a killer night
shan
ps- did i mention this cake i saw today? i so wished i was hungry when it appeared to me at the bean in the east village, wow....dream cake
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Beep Beep
Ah Wednesday....hump day.
Yes, almost through the work week, normal people work week.
Feeling pretty great tonight, my Mom finally has decided to move back to Los Angeles after four years of living in Hawaii. It's been really hard dealing with her out there. I feel an incredible sense of relief with her decision. Plus that means we get the beach house back!! Vacation!
Before she moved to the house I used to travel out there two or three times a year for holiday. In the past four years I've been there once.
Tomorrow is a pretty chill day filled with yoga and community service, it's my week to handle compost in the community garden and do my garden open hours. I look forward to it, a small price to pay for 24 hour access to our beautiful garden that is across from my apartment here in the Slope.
Today I discussed another book project with a friend that I'm pretty excited about, that would be three projects I need to get moving on. Writing makes me happy, yoga makes me happy, feeling fall approach makes me super happy.
Speaking of fall....man, this weather is amazeballs. I'm thrilled that fall is in the air, can't wait to throw on a sweater although I've been doing it every chance I get.
My juice cleanse is over, I scarfed today on major rice and beans plus a tofu taco. oof.
Oh and in more exciting new my friend Mo returns home to NYC for 10 days next week! Yeah.
Life is pretty good here at Chaiks-headquarters. Now if I could just come up with a way to pay the rent....
Aloha.
Shan
Yes, almost through the work week, normal people work week.
Feeling pretty great tonight, my Mom finally has decided to move back to Los Angeles after four years of living in Hawaii. It's been really hard dealing with her out there. I feel an incredible sense of relief with her decision. Plus that means we get the beach house back!! Vacation!
Before she moved to the house I used to travel out there two or three times a year for holiday. In the past four years I've been there once.
Tomorrow is a pretty chill day filled with yoga and community service, it's my week to handle compost in the community garden and do my garden open hours. I look forward to it, a small price to pay for 24 hour access to our beautiful garden that is across from my apartment here in the Slope.
Today I discussed another book project with a friend that I'm pretty excited about, that would be three projects I need to get moving on. Writing makes me happy, yoga makes me happy, feeling fall approach makes me super happy.
Speaking of fall....man, this weather is amazeballs. I'm thrilled that fall is in the air, can't wait to throw on a sweater although I've been doing it every chance I get.
My juice cleanse is over, I scarfed today on major rice and beans plus a tofu taco. oof.
Oh and in more exciting new my friend Mo returns home to NYC for 10 days next week! Yeah.
Life is pretty good here at Chaiks-headquarters. Now if I could just come up with a way to pay the rent....
Aloha.
Shan
Early morning view from my Mom's lani in Maui.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Practice, Juice Cleanse, Earthquakes and The Cookie Monster
Juice Cleanse
I just finished my last juice of a 2 day juice cleanse from The Juice Press in the East Village.
Day one wasn't too difficult but I did have a headache all day, I'm going to guess from not drinking any coffee.
Today I woke up feeling incredible, after my bikram yoga class I was a bit worn out and drank 2 juices back to back, but I started late in the day so it was ok.
Now it's almost 10pm, I'm full and ready for bed. I was debating doing a third day of the cleanse but I'm thinking no, if I wake up in the am feeling the need to do it, I'll stop by The Juice Press and go for day 3. Keep you posted.
Yoga Practice
The last month or so I haven't been as diligent with my yoga practice as I personally like to be. So I am very much focusing on developing a home practice and a studio practice. When you start teaching yoga you don't practice as much, this is something I've heard a lot of teacher say. I love yoga, I don't want to loose my practice, I will continue to try to practice daily. Today I rocked a Bikram class at Park Slope Bikram on Flatbush, it's the sister studio to my studio South Slope Bikram. Really good teacher, I think her name is Michelle, great dialogue, really helped my practice and focus today. Tomorrow I'm going to home practice along to a podcast I am studying by Eoin Finn of Blissology in Vancouver. He's incredible.
Earthquake
OMG, did you feel the earthquake today? Yes I did, so did my dog Lulu. I don't like earthquakes or tornados, now we have had both in Brooklyn. Not happy about this stuff.
The Cookie Monster
My friend David Jarrett came to visit me this weekend and shared with me this video, it's awesome. Enjoy
I just finished my last juice of a 2 day juice cleanse from The Juice Press in the East Village.
Day one wasn't too difficult but I did have a headache all day, I'm going to guess from not drinking any coffee.
Today I woke up feeling incredible, after my bikram yoga class I was a bit worn out and drank 2 juices back to back, but I started late in the day so it was ok.
Now it's almost 10pm, I'm full and ready for bed. I was debating doing a third day of the cleanse but I'm thinking no, if I wake up in the am feeling the need to do it, I'll stop by The Juice Press and go for day 3. Keep you posted.
Yoga Practice
The last month or so I haven't been as diligent with my yoga practice as I personally like to be. So I am very much focusing on developing a home practice and a studio practice. When you start teaching yoga you don't practice as much, this is something I've heard a lot of teacher say. I love yoga, I don't want to loose my practice, I will continue to try to practice daily. Today I rocked a Bikram class at Park Slope Bikram on Flatbush, it's the sister studio to my studio South Slope Bikram. Really good teacher, I think her name is Michelle, great dialogue, really helped my practice and focus today. Tomorrow I'm going to home practice along to a podcast I am studying by Eoin Finn of Blissology in Vancouver. He's incredible.
Earthquake
OMG, did you feel the earthquake today? Yes I did, so did my dog Lulu. I don't like earthquakes or tornados, now we have had both in Brooklyn. Not happy about this stuff.
The Cookie Monster
My friend David Jarrett came to visit me this weekend and shared with me this video, it's awesome. Enjoy
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Happiness, Fear & Learning
Wow it's been almost a month since I've posted on I've Got More Rhymes Than Phyllis Diller.
Looking at the past month, it makes sense. I've been a busy woman.
At the beginning of the August I headed to Chicago with my Sweet Soul Yoga studio partner Marisol and friend of many years Michael. We taught yoga at Lollapalooza Music Festival at the Kidzapalooza village within the festival. It was a really great experience, for which I am grateful and happy to have been apart.
Last weekend I was up in Boston for prenatal yoga teacher training and certification. Terrific teacher Bec Conant at South Boston Yoga. I'm now a certified prenatal yoga teacher! Yeah If you're ever in South Boston take class at their studio.
I've been trying to teach yoga as often as the opportunity presents itself. Which is a few days a week, last week I subbed for my mentor which was nice. Our outdoor yoga classes have been a bit sketchy because of the rain and it seems a lot of people go away during August.
Finally finished my yoga resume and now its time to hit the pavement and hustle up some actual work!
In other news, I've put my book down, feeling less than inspired. I guess this stuff comes in waves. I can't force it otherwise it becomes crap.
I have been inspired to begin writing another project with an old friend. Finished a brief outline and some of the passages, it's focused on sobriety and friendship.
Speaking of sobriety, this morning I had 19,000 hours of sobriety according to my sober calendar. Geez, that's a lot. For the last few months I have not been attending AA meetings and I am extremely disconnected from the AA program. I love AA, the principals, the steps, that it was there and saved my life, but at the moment I am not in the head space for AA. I've reached out to a few AA people for some support and it's been pretty lame. I will return to AA when the inspiration happens, which I feel will be soon. Being sober has given me so much I always feel immense gratitude for the program.
Ok, so basically being sober for 19,000+ hours has given me a pretty great life. Financially not thrilling but a great life, I believe in a power greater than myself, yoga and that I am here on the planet for a purpose, to serve others.
Which brings me to my next topic...fear.
As any human I have a lot of open ended things happening in my life that could be drowned in fear. I constantly have to work on my faith to believe that daily things will be ok. It is work but very rewarding work that makes me a happy person because most of the time I don't live in fear.
Recently I started something with a person that I have been friends with for many years. Started something, ha, funny. Ok we are sleeping together, which is wonderful. I seriously care about this person in a huge way but man this past week an enormous amount of fear kicked up. I realize:
-I have never had a healthy romantic relationship with anyone prior to sobriety. Pretty much drama, heartbreak and disasters.
-Because of my past I have no idea how to have a healthy romantic relationship and I have no idea what I want in a relationship
-It is ok not to know what I want and still enjoy this, not everything needs to be defined right now
-The other night I felt like I wanted to run away, but I didn't and I lived, it was lovely
I believe I have written about conforming to societies ideals of what a relationship needs to look like, etc and how I dislike these ideals that are shoved down our throats from early age.
Psychology Today has a wonderful article this month on couples that do not conform to societies ideals and do not let the pressure of society effect their relationships. It's a good piece, read it in the Aug 2011 issue. (there is also a solid piece on how to spot a narcissist which is frightening and hysterical).
So as I always say life is constantly a learning & growing lesson. What do I take away from the past month.
-It is ok to not know what you want in a romantic relationship, not everything needs to be fast tracked or defined, have fun and enjoy it for what it is
-I need to hit the pavement for yoga teaching jobs!
-I also need to work on my personal yoga & meditation practice (I didn't get into this but I will write about my personal yoga practice and meditation soon)
-I need to start eating less, because I gained 10 lbs somewhere this summer and it's no bueno (here's to hoping it's muscle)
-AA will be there when I'm ready to return to regular meetings
That's all for now. Lulu needs a walk before the rain storm hits again.
Happy August 21st to you.
Sweet Soul Yoga
Looking at the past month, it makes sense. I've been a busy woman.
At the beginning of the August I headed to Chicago with my Sweet Soul Yoga studio partner Marisol and friend of many years Michael. We taught yoga at Lollapalooza Music Festival at the Kidzapalooza village within the festival. It was a really great experience, for which I am grateful and happy to have been apart.
Marisol and I strike a dancers pose backstage at Lolla.
I've been trying to teach yoga as often as the opportunity presents itself. Which is a few days a week, last week I subbed for my mentor which was nice. Our outdoor yoga classes have been a bit sketchy because of the rain and it seems a lot of people go away during August.
Finally finished my yoga resume and now its time to hit the pavement and hustle up some actual work!
In other news, I've put my book down, feeling less than inspired. I guess this stuff comes in waves. I can't force it otherwise it becomes crap.
I have been inspired to begin writing another project with an old friend. Finished a brief outline and some of the passages, it's focused on sobriety and friendship.
Speaking of sobriety, this morning I had 19,000 hours of sobriety according to my sober calendar. Geez, that's a lot. For the last few months I have not been attending AA meetings and I am extremely disconnected from the AA program. I love AA, the principals, the steps, that it was there and saved my life, but at the moment I am not in the head space for AA. I've reached out to a few AA people for some support and it's been pretty lame. I will return to AA when the inspiration happens, which I feel will be soon. Being sober has given me so much I always feel immense gratitude for the program.
Ok, so basically being sober for 19,000+ hours has given me a pretty great life. Financially not thrilling but a great life, I believe in a power greater than myself, yoga and that I am here on the planet for a purpose, to serve others.
Which brings me to my next topic...fear.
As any human I have a lot of open ended things happening in my life that could be drowned in fear. I constantly have to work on my faith to believe that daily things will be ok. It is work but very rewarding work that makes me a happy person because most of the time I don't live in fear.
Recently I started something with a person that I have been friends with for many years. Started something, ha, funny. Ok we are sleeping together, which is wonderful. I seriously care about this person in a huge way but man this past week an enormous amount of fear kicked up. I realize:
-I have never had a healthy romantic relationship with anyone prior to sobriety. Pretty much drama, heartbreak and disasters.
-Because of my past I have no idea how to have a healthy romantic relationship and I have no idea what I want in a relationship
-It is ok not to know what I want and still enjoy this, not everything needs to be defined right now
-The other night I felt like I wanted to run away, but I didn't and I lived, it was lovely
I believe I have written about conforming to societies ideals of what a relationship needs to look like, etc and how I dislike these ideals that are shoved down our throats from early age.
Psychology Today has a wonderful article this month on couples that do not conform to societies ideals and do not let the pressure of society effect their relationships. It's a good piece, read it in the Aug 2011 issue. (there is also a solid piece on how to spot a narcissist which is frightening and hysterical).
So as I always say life is constantly a learning & growing lesson. What do I take away from the past month.
-It is ok to not know what you want in a romantic relationship, not everything needs to be fast tracked or defined, have fun and enjoy it for what it is
-I need to hit the pavement for yoga teaching jobs!
-I also need to work on my personal yoga & meditation practice (I didn't get into this but I will write about my personal yoga practice and meditation soon)
-I need to start eating less, because I gained 10 lbs somewhere this summer and it's no bueno (here's to hoping it's muscle)
-AA will be there when I'm ready to return to regular meetings
That's all for now. Lulu needs a walk before the rain storm hits again.
Happy August 21st to you.
Grace Potter's legs at Lolla, my new inspiration for getting in shape
Backstage view looking out to sea of Eminem fans singing "Lose Yourself" beautiful Chicago as a backdrop
Chicago Art Institute, I found this painting extremely disturbing
Sweet Soul Yoga
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Who I Am
It took me years to know and understand who I am, this is a process, we change, grow, live many lives while inhabiting our current body.
This is who I am.
-I'm a woman, not a child or a girl
-I have a life, it's mine, it's filled with love and joy on a daily basis
-No other person, place or thing defines me
-I'm an adult
-I've had an incredible life, filled with adventures, wild, crazy adventures
-I've traveled around the world and back again, I will continue to do so
-I'm a member of our global nation, I live life on this planet, not just in a city or country
-I'm positive, smart, friendly, fun, playful, joyous, happy, filled with light and love, I share this with others
-I say no when something is not right for me, I say it confidently
-I'm compassionate and caring
-I'm a vegan, I choose not to eat animals because I love and respect life
-I'm a yogi
-I'm a sober woman, and better because of it
-I'm a mentor to other young women
-I'm a writer
-I'm musical
-I love to dance, feel music in my bones and express myself
-I play because it feels right
-I own my sexuality and sensuality, I'm proud of my body, it's beautiful, it's womanly, not girlish
-I make mistakes, I learn from them and am grateful
-I have faith, a deep faith in something bigger than myself, I am taken care of by this faith
-I'm a daughter, sister and aunt, very proudly
-I am a good friend
-I'm trustworthy
-I love my family and respect that they are different from me in many ways
-I have vision, I see things before they happen
-I have physical limitations because of illness, this is ok, my illness taught me so much about living and helped me become the person I am today
-I have immense gratitude all the time, even when things are difficult
This is who I am today. It's me. I love myself and am proud of the person I am and look forward to continuing to learn and grow.
Shanon
This is who I am.
-I'm a woman, not a child or a girl
-I have a life, it's mine, it's filled with love and joy on a daily basis
-No other person, place or thing defines me
-I'm an adult
-I've had an incredible life, filled with adventures, wild, crazy adventures
-I've traveled around the world and back again, I will continue to do so
-I'm a member of our global nation, I live life on this planet, not just in a city or country
-I'm positive, smart, friendly, fun, playful, joyous, happy, filled with light and love, I share this with others
-I say no when something is not right for me, I say it confidently
-I'm compassionate and caring
-I'm a vegan, I choose not to eat animals because I love and respect life
-I'm a yogi
-I'm a sober woman, and better because of it
-I'm a mentor to other young women
-I'm a writer
-I'm musical
-I love to dance, feel music in my bones and express myself
-I play because it feels right
-I own my sexuality and sensuality, I'm proud of my body, it's beautiful, it's womanly, not girlish
-I make mistakes, I learn from them and am grateful
-I have faith, a deep faith in something bigger than myself, I am taken care of by this faith
-I'm a daughter, sister and aunt, very proudly
-I am a good friend
-I'm trustworthy
-I love my family and respect that they are different from me in many ways
-I have vision, I see things before they happen
-I have physical limitations because of illness, this is ok, my illness taught me so much about living and helped me become the person I am today
-I have immense gratitude all the time, even when things are difficult
This is who I am today. It's me. I love myself and am proud of the person I am and look forward to continuing to learn and grow.
Shanon
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Corrosion Of Conformity...The Relationship Version
I question a lot lately, well, I've questioned everything my entire life, but lately my questions have changed a bit, "Why do I feel this way," "why do I fight this?"
In May around my birthday I pay a visit to Jana my energy healer and spirit guide channeler. I've spoken with my spirit guides through Jana on several occasions in the past year and half. They don't see the future just your past and present, they see you in your true raw version and they understand, they watch and know when you are veering off on the wrong path.
I asked them about finding love. They of course said, you are already loved Shanon, but we understand you are speaking about romantic love. (of course my spirit guides are sassy).
My spirit guides told me a bunch of things about love and ideas of romantic love, conformity and my opposition to conformity of what society believes relationships should look like.
They said, "your next relationship will be what you want it to be, it doesn't have to be like anything you've experienced before, there are no rules except the ones you place on it, and this person will understand"
Its stuff that has been sitting pretty heavy in my mind for the past few months, this morning I was out walking L to the U squared and I think I get it.
I seriously dislike conformity. I don't like being told what to do, my entire life the idea of marriage, 2.5 kids and a house really didn't sit well with me, it seemed boring. It's lovely for everyone who wants it and if you're happy wonderful. For me, no.
Don't get me wrong, I really like kids, notice I don't use the world love, mostly because I don't really love your child, it's not mine, like I don't love your dog, I love my dog, but your dog is ok and I like it, same with your kid.
So to answer outstanding questions that are constantly being asked of me regarding marriage and children, no I don't really feel the need to marry someone again, expressing the way I feel about someone doesn't need to be legally written up by a judge and stamped with a clerk fee attached. And yes I like kids, I would like to have or adopt one day, when I feel it's the right time with the right partner.
Just because I don't giggle and drool over wedding dresses/babies doesn't mean I don't think the idea of having children and that finding someone special to spend your life with are bad. I only think of doing these things in very different ways than most of the population of the world.
With spirit guides words in mind, there are no rules except for the ones we make to that say what a good relationship is. We put up these parameters and box ourselves into the good/bad/ugly ideas.
I have been married and I have had a share of relationships. Today was the first day I realized, who's to say these weren't successful? Me? You? What is a successful/good relationship? It's what you want it to be?
Most romantic relationships don't last. Did you learn something from them? Did you have fun while you were in it? Some relationships just end, they don't end poorly or with heartache, they just stop. That's ok too.
If I open my mind to the idea of my past relationships I am trying to look at them in a way that isn't the way society judges a successful relationship. One of the most painful relationships I've ever been in helped get me sober and I actually continue to thank that person for the impact they've had on my life. He broke my heart, then helped me heal it. That's not conformity, that's love in a bigger way. I have a lot of gratitude for that person and what we went through together, I wouldn't change one moment, it helped me become the woman I am today.
So what am I trying to say here, all of these flying thoughts and such.
Be who you want to be. There is nothing wrong with doing things different from what society tells you. Only be happy and be yourself.
In May around my birthday I pay a visit to Jana my energy healer and spirit guide channeler. I've spoken with my spirit guides through Jana on several occasions in the past year and half. They don't see the future just your past and present, they see you in your true raw version and they understand, they watch and know when you are veering off on the wrong path.
I asked them about finding love. They of course said, you are already loved Shanon, but we understand you are speaking about romantic love. (of course my spirit guides are sassy).
My spirit guides told me a bunch of things about love and ideas of romantic love, conformity and my opposition to conformity of what society believes relationships should look like.
They said, "your next relationship will be what you want it to be, it doesn't have to be like anything you've experienced before, there are no rules except the ones you place on it, and this person will understand"
Its stuff that has been sitting pretty heavy in my mind for the past few months, this morning I was out walking L to the U squared and I think I get it.
I seriously dislike conformity. I don't like being told what to do, my entire life the idea of marriage, 2.5 kids and a house really didn't sit well with me, it seemed boring. It's lovely for everyone who wants it and if you're happy wonderful. For me, no.
Don't get me wrong, I really like kids, notice I don't use the world love, mostly because I don't really love your child, it's not mine, like I don't love your dog, I love my dog, but your dog is ok and I like it, same with your kid.
So to answer outstanding questions that are constantly being asked of me regarding marriage and children, no I don't really feel the need to marry someone again, expressing the way I feel about someone doesn't need to be legally written up by a judge and stamped with a clerk fee attached. And yes I like kids, I would like to have or adopt one day, when I feel it's the right time with the right partner.
Just because I don't giggle and drool over wedding dresses/babies doesn't mean I don't think the idea of having children and that finding someone special to spend your life with are bad. I only think of doing these things in very different ways than most of the population of the world.
With spirit guides words in mind, there are no rules except for the ones we make to that say what a good relationship is. We put up these parameters and box ourselves into the good/bad/ugly ideas.
I have been married and I have had a share of relationships. Today was the first day I realized, who's to say these weren't successful? Me? You? What is a successful/good relationship? It's what you want it to be?
Most romantic relationships don't last. Did you learn something from them? Did you have fun while you were in it? Some relationships just end, they don't end poorly or with heartache, they just stop. That's ok too.
If I open my mind to the idea of my past relationships I am trying to look at them in a way that isn't the way society judges a successful relationship. One of the most painful relationships I've ever been in helped get me sober and I actually continue to thank that person for the impact they've had on my life. He broke my heart, then helped me heal it. That's not conformity, that's love in a bigger way. I have a lot of gratitude for that person and what we went through together, I wouldn't change one moment, it helped me become the woman I am today.
So what am I trying to say here, all of these flying thoughts and such.
Be who you want to be. There is nothing wrong with doing things different from what society tells you. Only be happy and be yourself.
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