Tonight I did adjustments in a yoga class as part of my training program. It was slightly awkward. The room was really stuffy an packed, moving around was a bit of a challenge at times, I really enjoy working w the teacher I keep randomly being paired up with Erin. She's got great feed back for me and this evening she showed me some new adjustments as we had a few trainees taking our class to practice on. Very helpful. After class I was thinking "why did this feel awkward?" The answer is I feel really awkward lately, tired and I'm grateful adjustment didn't involve talking tonight, today I'm having a problem speaking.
I've been in this training since Feb 18, headed into week six, four more to go.
It's been a challenge. First I'm exhausted. Since I got sick and started medication last year my energy isn't the same as in my former life. Things are a little harder, I need more rest. Right now I'm finding things as simple as a basic conversation difficult because I'm exhausted. My dad just called a few mins ago and it confirmed that I was having an episode (brain cyst related, they are triggered by being tired), very difficult to speak, slow, slow, I'm slow.
This past week my days have been super long plus my personal yoga practice, trying to study for training and these adjustments (I have another one Sat after 7 hours of training). My head has been killing me, I'm eating Excedrin Migraine like candy. My speech today was pretty slow. Another thing that happens is I have trouble comprehending when I get like this, so basic things like using the remote or figuring out how to get somewhere on a train take more time, I actually forget how to do these things.
When I first got sick I would get really frustrated with having to slow down, it's still frustrating but I know it's something I need to do. It's my reality. The most frustrating thing is people still don't get it, they are always so shocked when I need to go home or can't make it out.
The one thing I have learned through all of this is compassion. Man having a physical illness sucks, ones that you have no control over. I consider myself really lucky, there are so many people out there who are in much worse places and my heart goes out to them. It's frustrating beyond comprehension unless you are sick as well.
Last week in yoga training this man came in to speak, we've met with him before, he went off on this whole healing yourself through your mind and when people are tired they can think their way out of it and it's all in your head, blah blah blah. He really upset me. Clearly not someone who has experienced an illness that changes their life in this way. I would give anything to get rid of this brain cyst, not be on crazy medication because of it, not have episodes where I can't speak, think, use my left side of my body, be so tired even after a full night sleep. Sorry guy, I can't think my way out of this situation or meditate myself out of it. I've tried.
Although I can say that I do credit my recovery physically from this in part to yoga, my practice prior to getting sick was strong, which I believe allowed the left side of my body to work a bit better than it would if I didn't do any exercise. As well meditation has helped me remain calm while having episodes in the beginning because I didn't know what was going on and instead of being panicked I concentrated on my breath which helped me relax when I was having these early episodes.
I look forward to my yoga training this weekend, one more adjusting class on Saturday (5-6pm, come on down) and hopefully some quiet time. Also making an AA meeting or two. Oh I booked my 2 year anniversary for June 20th at my home group. Which is exciting and a bit um....yup awkward. Awkward, my feeling of the week.
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