Spam I Am

Somedays I feel like everything I write goes out into this unknown digital universe and becomes spam to someone else.


Well, I know that isn't true because for some reason unbeknownst to me you lovely folks out there in the digital universe write me sweet, supportive, kind, insightful and inspiring emails.


I thank you for that, this blog wasn't meant to entertain or inspire.  It was a way for me to write, heal, create and move forward.  And it does just that for me every time I write.


When I started it I had no idea the impact that my thoughts would make on you kind folks.  You identify with my thoughts and feelings.  There is great comfort in receiving your emails.  Thank you.


Being the typical alcoholic I am (recovering now), I've learned that I am not alone in what I thought to be my uniqueness.  There are millions of people who drank like me, who think like me and have similar life experiences.  It's what we do next that really defines us. 


I am not the first person to struggle with addiction, abuse, heartache, death, trust, ego, faith and family.  Although when I was drinking I thought I was.


Time and time again I identify with people in the rooms of AA and the people that I met in my new life of sobriety. My connections with people now are real, when I was drinking I thought they were real, they were basically bullshit.


It's no longer a coincidence to me when I am feeling low that people appear out of nowhere to help pick me back up.  When my crappy alcoholic thinking creeps around and tells me I can have "one" I run into a recovering alcoholic on the street or an email or text from someone appears in my InBox that relates to what's going on with me at that moment.  These things happen everyday, they are my high power keeping me safe from heading down the path that leads to my death.


I know this, if I drink again, I will die.  That simple, it sounds dramatic, but that is my truth.  My last days of drinking were filled with me wishing I would die, it's enviable that if I pick up I will return to that thinking.  How do I know that, I've seen it happen to people around me.


So today I choose life.  I have chosen it for the past 919 days, tomorrow I hope to choose it again.


These past few weeks I've been battling some pretty heavy stuff, staring with the relationship with my active alcoholic mother to having a man I really liked dump me on the streets of Chinatown without warning.


The comfort for me comes from you.  Writing my truths, having friends around me that are there to pick me up and faith in myself, all of this comes as a gift of my sobriety.


I know there are a few of you out there that are really going through some heavy things right now, and I am very grateful that you shared these things with me.  Your strength has given me courage to look at my challenges and get through them.


And I know we will get through them.  The other day when I was walking back to my apartment from my drive-by dumping in Chinatown, I really wanted to drink to numb me.  While walking up the street that I live on I told myself (out loud) that I wouldn't let this experience take my sobriety, I've been through so much worse (read my back blog posts and enjoy the ride) and I didn't drink, I can get through this bump in the road. 


This time of year is rough for me, it is rough for a lot of people on the planet, but for me the past several years I've had big challenges in January/February, see timeline below, so I'm getting a bit anxious about the start of 2012.  I've moved through all of them but for some reason the start of a new year is always a bumpy ride for me. 


Feb 2009 - My boyfriend left for California to record an album, it was the start of my heaviest drinking, our real journey together that leads to my sobriety.


Jan 2010 - Woke up feeling weird, couldn't speak, found inoperable cyst on my temporal lobe, thus starts a new life journey....And a new found appreciation for life that one can only get when they face death.


Feb 2011 - My best friend dies of heart failure, he's a my dog Fred, I had him for almost 14 years.  I hold him while he goes, thanking him.  It breaks my heart and changes my purpose in life.


I guess now that I look at these things, they have all been hard, yes, as well they have all changed my life for the better.  So I'll look at them with gratitude.


Oh 2012, I hope that you will be gentle on me this year, shouldn't turning 40 be a challenge enough on its own?


With all this I leave you for the night.  I've completely torn my book project apart, renamed it, restructured it and am starting from scratch.  It's better now, it's my truth, so I'm off to write.


Still living my dash and I hope you are too.  I bid you adieu.


Shanon