Team Spirit

 When I planned my trip to San Francisco to visit my best friend from high school Carrie there was no particular reasoning for the dates we picked except they seemed to work best with our individual schedules.

As many of you know last June I had to put my dog Lulu down, after almost 17 years, it was heartbreaking and shortly thereafter while studying for my Reiki Master Certification in July, my teacher Lisa Guyman suggested I buy a tix to see Rebecca Rosen, a medium who was highly spiritual and visited Metro Detroit once a year. I purchased the tix for her November visit and kind of forgot about it. 

Seeing Rebecca in November was a spiritual life changer for me. Not only did it confirm that there was an entire realm on the otherside, the second night (I had to go back) out of 750 people in the small theatre my precious Lulu stopped by with a message for me. 

After experiencing Rebecca I read her 2nd book Awaken The Spirit Within, I cannot recommend this book enough, I was also lucky enough to share my experience with my Nana Dorothy two months before she passed. We spoke about what I had learned and experienced, my Nana seemed open to the idea there was something bigger but quite frankly thought it a little mashuga the dead dog was talking from the otherside, regardless she was supportive and held onto Rebccas book as she chatted with me about it all on a very clear day for her mentally. I think she also liked that Rebecca was Jewish, it gave her a bit more credibility to my 99 year old Nana. 

Yesterday I had the honor of being one in a group of 12 people to have a private two hour reading with Rebecca in San Francisco. She announced the date a week ago and apparently had not been to the Bay Area in several years, I had to buy a tix, they sold out within an hour. 

Knowing that you need to be focused and open I spent the hour prior meditating on from who I needed to hear and what my questions were, Rebecca actually said she saw me meditating earlier ad my response was, "I need to do the work," she smiled. 

We started with her group meditation, once we opened our eyes we began, "I'm going to start with the strongest spirit, Dorothy I see red shoes and the wizard of oz, who's grandmother or mother is Dorothy?" My hand went right up, my Nana was the spiritual ring leader!

I won't go into too many details but eventually I'll post an edited version of the audio. 

My Nana through Rebecca confirmed she was with my Grandfather Irving and her boyfriend Bill. That she was so happy to be talking to us, she believed in all of it, there was something on the otherside and it is beautiful. She said she watches and communicates with my father she calls herself my wingman and is with Lulu who is still working was my Guardian Angel. Lulu I was told also showed up to the first group, so clearly this little dog really connects with me!! 

My Auntie Fran and Cousin Lorne stopped by to say they were together and happy. As well as my Papa Katz, Papa George and Uncle Al. 

My Nana mentioned her boyfriend Bob, so I think I'll go check in on him when I get home, my dad and I visit with him as well as my Auntie Florence and Uncle Jack every few weeks. 

Messages were loud and clear, we know you have a lot of changes going on "Roll With It" "You don't need to do anything else for your family, or for someone else" 

My Nana asked me to write, or continue to write and Rebecca  suggested this as a way of communicating with Nana as she did when she started her journey. 

She also asked me if I had a ring with me and who Joe was, I told the group what I planned to do with the ring Joe gave me (throw it into the ocean in Big Sur, where he gave it to me a year ago) and that just that morning I was questioning that choice.  "Go Forward" you need to close the circle to heal and move on. "Let Go And Reset" was another one I heard.

Rebecca asked me if I was 39 years old and I laughed, but I told her that was the age I moved to Detroit to be with my Nana. She said it was time change, I was a natural born healer and if I choose that path I will be fulfilled. She said she saw Paris and I told her I had always wanted to live there and she said I should, I wouldn't be forever but it would be a short time and would be very good for me. Possibly a year, my Nana encouraged it. 

Rebecca told me that Arch Angel Michael works with me, which is an honor and I will stay more tuned into that moving forward. 

She also asked me about red lipstick and I told her that my Nana liked me to buy it for her, "we like a bold lip color, statement jewelry and blonde hair."And we all laughed. Just like in life my Nana stole the show! 

My Nana will be leaving me pennies, she says she had been putting them out, I'll start watching more closely. 

There was a lot more, but I think I touched on the most important things. 

I'm reading Rebecca's first book now Spirited, another suggested reading if any of this interests you. She believes we all have intuitive powers and can develop them to help lead better lives. 

My experience was beyond anything I've had to experience in this life, so much love and light, I feel so incredibly blessed.

One message that was loud and clear: 

ENJOY LIFE NOT ENDURE IT! 

Now get moving....

Don't Quit Until The Miracle Happens

This was not the blog piece I intended to write, I actually have been working on a piece on intimacy, but clearly the universe has other things it needs me to see and say, so I'll go with what is put in front of me, this usually is the best way.

In two days I leave for California, I can only thank my best friend from high school Carrie for that, she has this ability to scrape me off the floor like no one else in the world, she did it once before in the early 90s and she came to my recuse again.

My anti-depressants are working! So thank you doctors and integrative health team in Dearborn Heights.  Incredible, blessing, now I get to work on quieting the voice in my head that reminds me of the damage I am trying to heal from on a daily basis.  I am doing the work for this to take place, slowly it will happen, I have faith, I've battled bigger beasts. 

So in anticipation of my trip I planned some activities I really wanted to do but had not had the opportunity on my last visits to the Bay Area.  I'll tour Alcatraz and the AI Weiwei installation that is on the island, amazing, as it closes two days after I leave (the exhibit, not the national park/prision). I'll bike tour through the city and over the Golden Gate, I love biking and am super excited, I have a weird fascination and fear of suspension bridges.  I once had a massive panic attack on the Golden Gate and oddly enough on the Brooklyn.  Is it possible that something happened in a past life to me on a suspension bridge?

Carrie and I will stay a night in Carmel then make our way down to Esalen Institute for massages and time in the healing sulfer baths that hang on the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

I also plan on healing by bringing the custom made ring that was given to me by my ex on my birthday visit to Big Sur last year and I'll be giving it to the Pacific Ocean.  It is an incredible thing how something that meant so much and seemed so heartfelt almost a year ago can make you physical ill to look at it, it looks and feels like a lie, a lie in fancy box. It was once run over by a car, I should have taken that as a sign of things to come.

But I regress, the trip will be wonderful and healing.  All the time something inside of me kept repeating, "wouldn't it be wild if Rebecca Rosen somehow appeared and did a reading in San Fran while you were there?"  I personally had never seen the Bay Area on her schedule, it's usually LA, Boulder, Denver, Metro Detroit, NYC and Texas.  But today the universe responded....

An email appeared, Rebecca Rosen will be doing TWO small group readings in San Francisco on Thursday 4/23.  WHAT?????  

So I did it.  The universe called, I answered.  Myself and 11 other people will join her next Thursday, I know my Nana is aware of the difficult time I have been having since her death and my break up with Joe.  She's letting me know and she is showing up.  I am beyond grateful, floored, my head is spinning.

My tix is booked, and of course the Rebecca Rosen book Spirited I ordered at the beginning of the week showed up last night in the mail. Universe, timing.

Basically, if you stay on the path, do the work, open yourself to the signs, pray, have faith and ask for help you get exactly what you need.

Or as they say in AA, Don't Quit Before The Miracle Happens.

With love, light and a drop of clarity. Shanon

Begin To Hope

Begin To Hope is one of my favorite albums. It's also a phrase that I have had on my mind a lot since I last wrote a week ago.

First I thank all of you who reached out, wrote me amazing letters of support and especially to the people who continuously checked in with me to see how I was doing. 

Last weekend was one of the darkest moments I have had in my life since getting sober, a combination of months of bad weather, death of a loved one and heart break seemed to create the perfect storm which led me to serious contemplate if life was worth living anymore. 

Luckily I have tools, my ability to write, ask for help, things I learned in sobriety. Knowing something was very wrong and what was happening was not who I am at my core, I asked for the help, wrote and tried to see what was going on instead of giving up. 

A few years ago a person I know killed herself shortly after getting sober, the consequences were great, it rattled through so many people and changed so many lives, I thought a lot about that, how would my death change others.

I know suicide is a selfish act.  I also know that on many occasions I after hearing about other people committing suicide I have said, "what darkness must they have been in to think that was the only way out." 

Having the tools I've learned in getting sober, and therapy saved me last weekend. Some get it, some don't that's ok.

I am happy to report I asked for help and not only did an out pouring of it come from friends, I walked into a doctors office who practices with an integrative holistic psychologist and they immediately put me on medication.  Normally I stay away from pharmaceutical drugs, but I know now I need something more than what I'm doing. 

For months I haven't eaten, I started smoking again, my sleep has been non existent and it manifested itself in to a beast.  Oddly enough I have been practicing yoga and meditation, thank god. 

The doctors say the meds should start taking effect in 7 days, today is day three and I will return to the doctor in four days to check in. 

I am not embarrassed by any of this, asking for help, practicing some self care is nothing to be ashamed of, my behavior the way I've treated myself these past months is nothing I am proud of but I am trying, I am trying to get well.

My doctor explained that I am grieving on many levels for many things that have taken place. It's normal.  He also made me promise to stay with the planet until I see him next, no self harm.  I promised that to him.

Trying to eat but nothing has taste, today I will eat something, as they are also concerned about the quick weight drop in this short period of time, personally I'm not, who doesn't need to lost 15 pounds!? Although I do physically feel pretty bad. 

Today I'll do my best to enjoy a bit of the warm weather, practice some self care and get ready for what lies ahead in the week.  I know my issues are having negative effects on many people and I am trying so hard so keep them inside, I just cracked recently, I couldn't take the pain, it pushed it's way out, but I think that is ok too.  It's got to move out to let the healing take place. 

Thanks again for the support.  I'll check in from San Fran next week, I'm really looking forward to spending time with my best friend and getting out of Detroit for a while. 

A Grey Start To Spring

It is still grey here in Detroit, although spring has arrived.  The weather has gotten to me, there are sunny days that pop up in between that seem to promise change, sadly they quickly disappear and the gloomy grey returns. 

Each day brings a new struggle, especially when there is no sun. I almost prefer the snow on the ground, at least the white coat gleams something beautiful, it makes sense in the context of winter. All this grey sky, grey concrete along with the bare trees are a constant reminder of how I feel inside, a dead feeling, or the sad feelings, I only wish the feelings were actually dead, at least with death there is an ending. 

I realize I spend much of my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. How many of my hours wasted, even when I'm out doing things, there is an empty space within me that constantly hurts, nothing can fill it.  There are the moments of reprieve, they are few and far between, I am grateful for when they arrive, my head is somewhere else, then it returns and the hole is back.

There is a lot of learning when a relationship ends, I can say I've taken in a lot.  I am slowly understanding my part of its demise, things I should have done from the start that I knew where not the best ideas, I also knew I went into the relationship with a heart full of love and the best intentions, knowing somewhere in my gut that this person probably wasn't in the same place at the time, although they told me they were and they made me feel that things were going to be ok.  I trusted, I believed and I brought my faith in.

At the end of it all I feel used, judged, mistreated, misunderstood and easily discarded. Thrown away like old packaging, how wonderful it must be to be so free you can throw people away without a care and rebound so quickly. 

Although the hole within me is large and seems to be getting worse instead of healing, I have to constantly remind myself that I did my best to keep my part of the street clean, most of the issues were theirs.  This person was incapable of accepting me for who I was, which is ironic since it seemed that my free spirit is what drew me to them in the first place, eventually they constantly judged me and hurt my feelings, they made me feel as if they were embarrassed of me, towards the end they couldn't look me in the eye, be honest, hold my hand or sit with me.  These are not my issues, these solely belong to them. 

These things don't make this person a bad person, I have to understand that, it makes them a person who truly doesn't know themselves and if you aren't happy with yourself you will take that out on someone else, even if you say I love you a hundred times, it is meaningless.

When you love someone you love all of them, even their "flaws", acceptance, compassion, understanding, empathy, these are characteristics that make someone worth loving.

The worst part is I still love them, but I cannot remember why.

Soul Lessons

Everything happens exactly as it should, we are all on a path, I believe before we join this human experience our soul commits to a path, with the objective to learn and grow from lessons we failed to learn on our last journey, we grow when we hopefully achieve our pre-arranged goals and continue on to the next level. 

I was not born knowing this information, my beliefs are based on many years of acquiring knowledge from spirits more evolved than myself.

Faith is why I believe in all of this, my parents bestowed on me the middle name of Faith and for years I had none.  It was only when I returned to my path in 2009 that I began my true journey to understand what my purpose is while I'm in our human world.

I truly believe that my first step was getting sober, it was only through that small amount of clarity at 6 months of sobriety I was able to accept with real understanding the growth on my brain.  Through that beautiful gift I was able understand how important it was to not sweat the small stuff, be grateful for life and in that begin a journey to seek myself.  This is all very easy to forget by the way, we are all a work in progress. 

With the gift of sobriety and a brain cyst I was able to move forward, understanding that being of service to others was important and made me feel good.  I tried to be of service while seeking more information on how to be further in touch with the god of my understanding, building my faith in something bigger than myself.

Later I could detach from people, places and things with love, while slowly beginning to love myself.  

The past three years have been a challenging part of my journey, with my faith I was able to make a huge move to Detroit and spend quality time building important relationships with my Grandmother and Father, relationships I always wanted as a child but unfortunately couldn't have until now.  

I opened my heart and was able to love someone as a sober woman, but lost myself along the way reverting back to fear which ruled many of my relationships in the past and complacency which also sprung up from past experiences I didn't out grow.  I lost my Grandmother, and only because of a return to my spiritual work I was able to accept her death and be present for myself, my Grandmother and my family. 

I lost my love, which was and is painful, through this lI learned that the true loss I had suffered was within myself and leaving gave me the gift of returning to the piece of my life that helps keep me on my spiritual path.  

The understanding of my journey, continuing the work daily, this is what makes me who I am, this work returns me to my path when I step off, it helps me to heal, grow, detach with love and is a constant reminder that my higher power works through me, if I stop the work the darkness grows, you can't have light without dark, but you can decide to continue to shine.

Writing To Heal

God, please send me your strength, I need it so much tonight.

Today I was in intense amount of pain, I've been here before in different ways for different circumstances. 

For the last several weeks my life has taken hit after hit of serious loss.  Taking it in and digesting it hasn't been easy.

Separating fact from things that my head loves to create and feelings I know are usually not based in fact, I have created the following list of facts which I need to constantly remind myself:

-I've been through worse pain, healed and come out on the other end a better person for it.

-My Nana & Lulu would not want me to be sad, and I know they are with me now, supporting me 

-God gives you these challenges to learn from, we always learn, we always grow for the better

-I need to get out of my own way, because clearly if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be screwing shit up all the time, I need to listen up, the universe is speaking to me

-Nothing is worth drinking over, NOTHING and since I am an alcoholic and choose life, I will continue to remind myself of this even when the woo woo feelings come up and one glass of wine seems like a great idea to kill the pain (have I really learned anything being sober all this time, sometimes I wonder, damn it)

-Friends show up in the darnedest of places to hold you up and make you laugh. Thank you friends.  You are a fact and I am grateful.

A few years ago I remember being in an obsessive insanely sick and extremely alcohol fueled relationship that blew up like Mount Vesuvius all over me.  When it finally ended, I thought I would never love anything again and I was worthless.

It actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  It got me sober.  It made me live, it led me to be so desperate that I took advantage of that little crack of a window that God opened up and I squeezed my ass through it and went to AA.  That was June 20, 2009.

Because I was still in early recovery I continued to draw out that relationship for another year or so as a "friendship," once again ERUPTION!!!!  Man when that blew it was nastier than the first, I felt everything.

And I lived.  And I was ok.  

A year passed, one day I realized I had just forgotten about that someone that was so ingrained in my life at one time I thought I couldn't take a breath without them, it dawned on me I had been breathing for a year just fine. 

About a week ago, I was trolling the internet as I do when I am getting in my own way....and discovered that person had gotten married.  They looked so happy, for the first time I can honestly say I had nothing but pure joy and love for them.  It felt good, then I turned off the computer and went about my day. 

So here I sit with my broken heart again, a little more road worn, a little more understanding, knowing deep inside that I made the right choices and as much as it hurts at times I will be ok again.

One day I'll wake up, breathe deep, realize I am alive and have healed once more! 

Actually writing all this made me feel better.  Thank you for listening. 

Light and Love. 

Three Goodbyes That Helped Me Grow

In the last 7 months I have lost three important souls in my life.

June 19, 2014 I said goodbye to my dearest pup Lulu, my heart broke as I held her and thanked her for showing me so much over the 16 years, the greatest lesson while she was with me was teaching me how to be an adult, to take responsibility and care for a life other than myself.  It took me a long time to understand this, almost 16 years, but this little ball of love in a fur coat brought so much happiness, my debit to her is immeasurable. 

Her death led me to medium Rebecca Rosen who showed me that there is an afterlife.  Lulu reached out to me through Rebecca just to let me know she in death was now watching over me as a guardian angel, much like she did in her life.  The message Rebecca and Lulu shared with me gave me peace and understanding that there is much more on the other side and to not be so afraid, but have faith. This process helped prepare me for the next responsibility I would take on, the death of my beloved Grandmother Dorothy Chaiken...

January 15, 2015
Many of you know I had moved to Detroit in 2012 to help take care of my Nana Dorothy, I didn't want to miss the opportunity to be apart of her life in a bigger way.  Over the past two and three-quarters years we had many adventures together, it was a honor and my pleasure to be able to spend quality time with a women who was more than a Grandmother, she was a force of nature.  A story teller, singer, dancer, leader, model and fashionista up until the end of her life.  When she left us I was there to hold her hand and say thank you, tell her it was ok to go and that I loved her.  

Nothing prepares us for the death of someone you love, even when they spent 99 incredible yeas on the planet, it never seems to be enough.  I know that she is on the other side, watching over me, giving me strength and love.  My two ladies Dorothy and Lulu watch over me, I can feel it.

January 28, 2015
Only last week I made a very difficult decision to end and incredibly important relationship with someone I loved dearly.  Although my heart is heavy, I know that I am doing the right thing for both of us.  It is hard to love and respect someone and then try in a completely unselfish way be able to know that being apart will bring more to each of us as individuals. Some moments are more uncomfortable than others.  Most of them are peaceful, I feel like finally at 42 years and 9 months old I understand myself and how I want to be loved and give love in return. 

Saying Goodbye

About 3 years ago I was living in Brooklyn and my grandmother had recently moved back to West Bloomfield from years in Ft Lauderdale after her long time companion Bill had gotten ill.

She seemed very sad depressed.

On a telephone call she said to me, “I wish you lived here so we could be closer.”  A light went off in my head after we hung up, “I could move to Detroit, couldn’t I?  Be closer to my grandmother and help take care of her.”  Three months later I found myself packed up and on my way to live in Detroit.

It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It has been an honor to help take care of my Nana for the past 2 years and 9 months.

We had a very special relationship, it was more than just grandmother and granddaughter, we became friends.  We talked about things in deep confidence.  She trusted me and I was honored.

Family had always been the most important thing to my grandmother and there were many things that took place in our family that had caused our family to grow apart.  This was something that shook her core.

When we were told that Dorothy was in the last hours of her life, she defied the medical experts and stayed with us for several more days.  Family gathered at her bedside to love her and say goodbye, she stayed with us.  We worried she was struggling and were perplexed with what it could be about; I had my personal thoughts on her fears and faith although Tyra one of her caregivers told me recently her faith seemed restored.

On Thursday a caring social working suggested that maybe she needed to hear goodbye from people who hadn’t been near all week, we jumped on the phone with every family and friend we could think of to help her on her journey.

After we were done, several cousins and I sat feeling good about the work we had finished.  We also realized that we had not been this close since we were children and through Dorothy our love and connection had been rekindled.  We promised to honor her, our family and ourselves by staying in each others lives.

45 mins after our realization my grandmother passed peacefully as I held her hand along with my father, my cousins Bradley and Jennifer and Teresa her incredible caregiver.

After she passed we realized she hadn’t been struggling with her own issues, she needed us to do our work before she could leave. She needed us to be ok, she needed her family to come together and be a family again.

Spam I Am

Somedays I feel like everything I write goes out into this unknown digital universe and becomes spam to someone else.


Well, I know that isn't true because for some reason unbeknownst to me you lovely folks out there in the digital universe write me sweet, supportive, kind, insightful and inspiring emails.


I thank you for that, this blog wasn't meant to entertain or inspire.  It was a way for me to write, heal, create and move forward.  And it does just that for me every time I write.


When I started it I had no idea the impact that my thoughts would make on you kind folks.  You identify with my thoughts and feelings.  There is great comfort in receiving your emails.  Thank you.


Being the typical alcoholic I am (recovering now), I've learned that I am not alone in what I thought to be my uniqueness.  There are millions of people who drank like me, who think like me and have similar life experiences.  It's what we do next that really defines us. 


I am not the first person to struggle with addiction, abuse, heartache, death, trust, ego, faith and family.  Although when I was drinking I thought I was.


Time and time again I identify with people in the rooms of AA and the people that I met in my new life of sobriety. My connections with people now are real, when I was drinking I thought they were real, they were basically bullshit.


It's no longer a coincidence to me when I am feeling low that people appear out of nowhere to help pick me back up.  When my crappy alcoholic thinking creeps around and tells me I can have "one" I run into a recovering alcoholic on the street or an email or text from someone appears in my InBox that relates to what's going on with me at that moment.  These things happen everyday, they are my high power keeping me safe from heading down the path that leads to my death.


I know this, if I drink again, I will die.  That simple, it sounds dramatic, but that is my truth.  My last days of drinking were filled with me wishing I would die, it's enviable that if I pick up I will return to that thinking.  How do I know that, I've seen it happen to people around me.


So today I choose life.  I have chosen it for the past 919 days, tomorrow I hope to choose it again.


These past few weeks I've been battling some pretty heavy stuff, staring with the relationship with my active alcoholic mother to having a man I really liked dump me on the streets of Chinatown without warning.


The comfort for me comes from you.  Writing my truths, having friends around me that are there to pick me up and faith in myself, all of this comes as a gift of my sobriety.


I know there are a few of you out there that are really going through some heavy things right now, and I am very grateful that you shared these things with me.  Your strength has given me courage to look at my challenges and get through them.


And I know we will get through them.  The other day when I was walking back to my apartment from my drive-by dumping in Chinatown, I really wanted to drink to numb me.  While walking up the street that I live on I told myself (out loud) that I wouldn't let this experience take my sobriety, I've been through so much worse (read my back blog posts and enjoy the ride) and I didn't drink, I can get through this bump in the road. 


This time of year is rough for me, it is rough for a lot of people on the planet, but for me the past several years I've had big challenges in January/February, see timeline below, so I'm getting a bit anxious about the start of 2012.  I've moved through all of them but for some reason the start of a new year is always a bumpy ride for me. 


Feb 2009 - My boyfriend left for California to record an album, it was the start of my heaviest drinking, our real journey together that leads to my sobriety.


Jan 2010 - Woke up feeling weird, couldn't speak, found inoperable cyst on my temporal lobe, thus starts a new life journey....And a new found appreciation for life that one can only get when they face death.


Feb 2011 - My best friend dies of heart failure, he's a my dog Fred, I had him for almost 14 years.  I hold him while he goes, thanking him.  It breaks my heart and changes my purpose in life.


I guess now that I look at these things, they have all been hard, yes, as well they have all changed my life for the better.  So I'll look at them with gratitude.


Oh 2012, I hope that you will be gentle on me this year, shouldn't turning 40 be a challenge enough on its own?


With all this I leave you for the night.  I've completely torn my book project apart, renamed it, restructured it and am starting from scratch.  It's better now, it's my truth, so I'm off to write.


Still living my dash and I hope you are too.  I bid you adieu.


Shanon

Do We Communicate With The Dead In Our Dreams?

I woke up in tears this morning.

The last week I had been going down memory lane, scanning old photos, putting them on my hard drive so that I could get rid of things I don't need anymore, such as boxes of photos.  

This is the digital age, we can have all our memories on a jump drive.

The man I've been dating recently had spoken about doing just that and inspired me while I had some downtime last week. 

In these photos I found everything.  Friends, lovers, family, pets, you name it.

I didn't need all these picture anymore, and I began to scan the memories I wanted to keep.

A few photos of my departed friend Tom Mooney were in that pile.  He was my boss and a friend.  Tom hired and fired me, then hired me again.  We remained friends even when I moved to NYC in 1997.

Tom was CRAZY, I mean totally nuts, but in a way that made you love him.  Just when you think you had Tom figured out, something would happen to make you question everything you knew.  He and the love of his life Ann got married at Bob Dylan's studio back in the '80s.  When I saw the photo of the wedding, once again, I questioned this man, and what I had learned.

Last night I dreamed I traveled back in time, to 1997. Once I realized the year I wanted to call Tom, and I did.

Tom picked up the phone and we talked.  He actually thought I was someone else, but we talked (he didn't have dementia or anything, dreams are weird right?)  

I heard his crazy Boston accent, his guttural laugh, it felt really good.  In that call I told him I loved him and to please tell our friends Mitch (Londo) and Jerry I loved and missed them too (Mitch and Jerry both died as well, but were alive in '97).  

During the conversation I tried to warn him about his death, but the phone would just go mute.  Maybe I could get him to eat better and work out?  There was another plan and I wasn't to interfere.

Death is something I think about a lot.  Perhaps because I had such a heavy experience with it earlier this year and it changed my life.  As well I had my own near death experience in 2010.

This dream makes me wonder if we speak to our departed love ones in our dreams?  Is this how they make us know they are watching over us?  Is this how they comfort us?

Whatever our connection to the dead via dreams, I'm happy to have theses moments.  It seemed so real and nice to tell my old friend that I missed him.

Shanon

me, Jerry, Tom and Andelman on tour in the mid 90's

Summer Vacation

You may have noticed a decrease in my writing lately.  

This blog was started to help me warm up to writing again, find my flow.  For several years I have been working on a book and stopped writing shortly after getting sober.

At suggestions and encouragement of many I started this blog to help me find my words, it has served it's purpose and then some, I am extremely grateful.

The past few months this blog has allowed me to write about the death of my dog, losing my faith and finding it again, sobriety, yoga, training to become a yoga teacher, blessings, gratitude, gifts, friends, loved ones and so much more.

I feel like the past 6 months of my life have helped me find my voice, find out who I am as a sober woman and where my next adventure might lead to....this blog was a huge support on that journey

So for now I step away from my blog writing to focus on my book writing, if I'm inspired I'll pop back up to share.

Thank you all for your support and kindness over the past few months, you've helped me find my voice again.

Shanon

Happy Chinese New Year, On Death & Dying, Amends, Dreams and Desi Arnaz Jr.

Today I learned that if I don't take my medication for two days I will suffer for it with a massive headache that makes me feel like my head will explode.  

Good news intense pain will make me leave the house in an ice storm to pick up my RX from the neighborhood pharmacy, that isn't too far, but seems a lot further in my head when stuck at home for several days unmedicated.

This btw is the Topamax I take for my auras from my brain cyst.  Not crazy town meds as you might be thinking, I don't shockingly take crazy town meds.

For some reason I think there is a mouse living in my closet, I see something going on in there, or am I imagining it?  Whatever is happening in my closet Lulu my chihuahua ran into the closet and laid there this morning, very out of the ordinary. Maybe my shoes just smell really good, I wouldn't be surprised, I smell awesome most of the time.

At the moment I'm watching a documentary on Maya Deren. So far I loved this film she shot with all these dancers in a field, it was really sexy, and I love that she is such a narcissist that she's in most of her films.  I would totally do the same thing if I was Maya Deren.  And I love that she's from Kiev, she also sounds like Lucille Ball.  Which I was NOT expecting.

My mom dated Desi Arnaz Jr in the late 1970s btw.  He was totally hot.  My mom says that Lucy would just drop by the house unannounced and spoil whatever fun times were going on and kick everyone out.  She says Lucy was a total beeoch.  Very sad to hear, but I'm not surprised, she was one of the most powerful women in Hollywood at one point.

Today I had a really good manicure and pedicure at the salon next door to my house. Very nice Chinese family owns the place, they are a sweet mother/daughter combo.  I busted out my limited Chinese on them and wished them a happy new year, which put them into fits of laughter, jeez, did it really sound that bad??  They must really like me because they waxed my eyebrows for free! 

I also performed one of my lease favorite tasks, dropping off the laundry, now I don't actually do my own laundry, I just drop it off, but it's almost as bad as going to the dentist for me.  The bag, going down 4 flights of stairs, around the corner, having to TALK to someone about my laundry, ick.  I hate it.  It's done and now I will procrastinate the picking up of the laundry until the weekend.

My Lucy B lingerie arrived today, it's fantastic, thanks for asking.

There is a business space down the street from where I live that has been vacant for a while now, the building got fixed up and now it's for rent.  I have a little dream of this space becoming the yoga studio I eventually open.  There is a picture below.

Sadly the last part of my blog is about death.  My Aunt is dying.  I really owe her an amends.  This is hard and I'm not quite sure how to deal with the entire situation.  When I was a child I was really close with my Aunt Fran, my cousin Loren her son was one month younger than I was and we basically spent the first several years of our life together.  This is all during the time my parents were married and living in Detroit.  This is also a time I have incredibly fond memories of my whole family having huge celebratory dinners, parties, always at my Grandparents house, tons of delicious homemade Jewish food.  No one was dead, no one was divorced, an alcoholic, a drug addict, crazy, etc.  It was the perfect time.

A few years ago my cousin Lorne died suddenly of diabetes.  I believe we were both 35 at the time, Lorne was married with three kids.  He didn't take care of himself, the doctors warned him, he didn't listen and he died. 

Now death is so odd.  Odd in the way of what is the right way to do anything.  There really isn't.  There are two things that throw a monkey wrench in anything I know how to deal with they are death and birth.  So strange, complete opposites.  I have no idea what the proper protocol is on either.

So don't be surprised if you die or have a baby you probably won't hear from me right away because I feel like I'm bothering you.  Sorry, that's just the way I react.  But if you are in an emergency, I am your girl, I am great in an emergency situation.

Lorne died, I had no idea how to react, not only dealing with my own freakishness but my mortality and seeing someone my age die.  And I never called my Aunt or Uncle.  I talked to my Cousin Robin, Lorne's sister and my Grandmother (Nana) but no one else.

Now Lorne's mom is dying, my Aunt and I feel like I need to say goodbye and thank you for all those memories and I'm sorry for not being there when Lorne was gone and that it makes me feel very sad.  I just don't know how to do this at all, I think I'll pray on this tonight and the answer will come.

My future yoga studio?? A girl can dream....and every yoga studio needs a gargoyle or two protecting it, especially in Park Slope