Spam I Am

Somedays I feel like everything I write goes out into this unknown digital universe and becomes spam to someone else.


Well, I know that isn't true because for some reason unbeknownst to me you lovely folks out there in the digital universe write me sweet, supportive, kind, insightful and inspiring emails.


I thank you for that, this blog wasn't meant to entertain or inspire.  It was a way for me to write, heal, create and move forward.  And it does just that for me every time I write.


When I started it I had no idea the impact that my thoughts would make on you kind folks.  You identify with my thoughts and feelings.  There is great comfort in receiving your emails.  Thank you.


Being the typical alcoholic I am (recovering now), I've learned that I am not alone in what I thought to be my uniqueness.  There are millions of people who drank like me, who think like me and have similar life experiences.  It's what we do next that really defines us. 


I am not the first person to struggle with addiction, abuse, heartache, death, trust, ego, faith and family.  Although when I was drinking I thought I was.


Time and time again I identify with people in the rooms of AA and the people that I met in my new life of sobriety. My connections with people now are real, when I was drinking I thought they were real, they were basically bullshit.


It's no longer a coincidence to me when I am feeling low that people appear out of nowhere to help pick me back up.  When my crappy alcoholic thinking creeps around and tells me I can have "one" I run into a recovering alcoholic on the street or an email or text from someone appears in my InBox that relates to what's going on with me at that moment.  These things happen everyday, they are my high power keeping me safe from heading down the path that leads to my death.


I know this, if I drink again, I will die.  That simple, it sounds dramatic, but that is my truth.  My last days of drinking were filled with me wishing I would die, it's enviable that if I pick up I will return to that thinking.  How do I know that, I've seen it happen to people around me.


So today I choose life.  I have chosen it for the past 919 days, tomorrow I hope to choose it again.


These past few weeks I've been battling some pretty heavy stuff, staring with the relationship with my active alcoholic mother to having a man I really liked dump me on the streets of Chinatown without warning.


The comfort for me comes from you.  Writing my truths, having friends around me that are there to pick me up and faith in myself, all of this comes as a gift of my sobriety.


I know there are a few of you out there that are really going through some heavy things right now, and I am very grateful that you shared these things with me.  Your strength has given me courage to look at my challenges and get through them.


And I know we will get through them.  The other day when I was walking back to my apartment from my drive-by dumping in Chinatown, I really wanted to drink to numb me.  While walking up the street that I live on I told myself (out loud) that I wouldn't let this experience take my sobriety, I've been through so much worse (read my back blog posts and enjoy the ride) and I didn't drink, I can get through this bump in the road. 


This time of year is rough for me, it is rough for a lot of people on the planet, but for me the past several years I've had big challenges in January/February, see timeline below, so I'm getting a bit anxious about the start of 2012.  I've moved through all of them but for some reason the start of a new year is always a bumpy ride for me. 


Feb 2009 - My boyfriend left for California to record an album, it was the start of my heaviest drinking, our real journey together that leads to my sobriety.


Jan 2010 - Woke up feeling weird, couldn't speak, found inoperable cyst on my temporal lobe, thus starts a new life journey....And a new found appreciation for life that one can only get when they face death.


Feb 2011 - My best friend dies of heart failure, he's a my dog Fred, I had him for almost 14 years.  I hold him while he goes, thanking him.  It breaks my heart and changes my purpose in life.


I guess now that I look at these things, they have all been hard, yes, as well they have all changed my life for the better.  So I'll look at them with gratitude.


Oh 2012, I hope that you will be gentle on me this year, shouldn't turning 40 be a challenge enough on its own?


With all this I leave you for the night.  I've completely torn my book project apart, renamed it, restructured it and am starting from scratch.  It's better now, it's my truth, so I'm off to write.


Still living my dash and I hope you are too.  I bid you adieu.


Shanon

Good Times and Bum Times, I've Seen Them All, And My Dear...I'm Still Here

A bit of reflection on 2011 and where I'm at now.


What a year...Good Times and Bum Times, I've Seen Them All, And My Dear...I'm Still Here.


Four yoga teacher trainings, spiritual journeys that continue daily, saying goodbye to old friends and hello to new....


Staying sober through all.  


Realizing what I want to do with my life and knowing that it will take a lot of faith...frightened and excited all at once.


Spending much of the year focused on myself, feeling my feelings more than ever, good and less than.


Holding my best friend in my arms while he took his last breaths last February and thanking him.  In the moment the words thank you just repeated from my lips.  I didn't understand it all then, now I know He taught me more in those final moments than I ever learned in my 38 years on earth.  My gratitude is immense and my faith in something bigger than myself greater than ever.   Thank you Fred.


Learning that yoga can be wonderful and then not so desirable, a side of jealousy, non support and ugliness.  I choose to take the path that calls me and walk away from the ugliness.  My love of this practice is not about making money or competition, it's about giving back to others what yoga has given to me.


Meditation has become a large part of my life.  It changes you.  


Knowing that my reason for being on this earth is bigger than trite problems.  Giving back is why I'm here, to be there for others, be of service and support.  Be a positive energy on earth.  


Making new friends that are so wise they blow me away all the time.  My friend Kim is one of those people, it's an honor to know her, she really is a sister to me.  As well as my friend Marisol who I could have not made it through the first 1/2 of 2011 without.  She's my guardian angel from The Valley.  Soulmate. 


Having a Father that is so supportive it floors me.  Growing up I didn't have much parental guidance. Only through a lot of work on our relationship and of course age can I understand my Father and although I think he might believe I'm a wild card, he supports and loves me.  What a blessing I have in this man.


And in a turn of faith that people do come into your life and change it, my dearest Kevin has returned to me.  We've been through hell and back together, in our insanity we both helped each other get sober, then all hell really broke loose.  It's a solid feeling of happiness that we are friends again, very different, honest to goodness friends.  I wish him joy, love and to keep coming back, it works if you work it buddy.


2012 has endless possibilities...here is what I would like in 2012.  

• To be accepted into the Urban Zen program.  To learn and serve. 
• To study Thai Yoga Massage, hopefully something that I can use in my service to people in need.
• To fall in love and have someone love me for the person I really am inside.
• To be a good daughter, friend, sister and dog mother (to Lulu).
• To continue to work for animal rights and make a difference.
• To work with the still sick and suffering through AA
• Continue to write my two book projects and finish them in 2012

I never make New Years Resolutions because I could never keep them.  

So I'll just focus on my goals for 2012, have faith that I continue to be on the right path and that I am taken care of spiritually. 


Oh speaking wrapping up the year.  If you haven't heard Kev & my Xmas song this year (a tradition we started a few years back then stopped cos we weren't speaking) here it is, enjoy. 


White Xmas/Happy Xmas - A Ferrous Flight

Happy Holidays

Shanon