2013 This Too Shall Pass

Oh 2013 I welcome your new year and energy.

It's been quite sometime that I've felt inspired to write in my little blog.  And by the way, thank you to all of you who have read and been so supportive over the past few years.

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, they've never stuck for me.  Over the years I've tried the "eat better, work out more, quit smoking/drinking, blah blah" bs that most of the world promises themselves they will do each January, come Feb/March we are back to our old habits.  For me I've found a calendar year means nothing, when I'm ready to make a change I make the change regardless of the day.  I am not in anyway knocking resolutions and I wish you the best in all your goals, for me I haven't been able to keep one, so I'll continue on the path that I found works for me. 

The thing I do look forward to with each new year is the hope that this one will be a positive growing and learning experience.

2012 was an extremely difficult year for me.  One of the most difficult since 2009.

I moved from my home in Brooklyn/NYC, where I resided for 15 years to Detroit to be with a family I never really got to know well.  I moved here with the hope of creating a bond that was never really there.  My relationship was very on the surface for most of my life with this side of my family.  What I didn't know was I was walking into more than I anticipated. 

As a recovering alcoholic I've spent much of the past 3 1/2 years talking about and feeling my feelings on a daily basis with others who have gone through similar experiences. 

Through that recovery process and with the help of a wonderful therapist I was able to slowly chip away at issues that had plagued me for years.

Why was I doing/acting the way I was?  How can I change the behavior patterns moving forward?  How can I trust people and myself to heal? 

My drinking gave me the opportunity to numb myself from pain that I had lived with my whole life.  It allowed me to have "relationships" that were superficial but not meaningful, they were fun, they took me away from reality so I didn't have to deal with what was really going on deep inside.

As I grow as a person I've begun to slowly peel away the layers and see where these issues stem from, deep seated issues that started with childhood and continued to cement themselves into my core.  Drinking allowed me to ignore all of that and live a daily life, blaming anything that arose on everyone but myself.  Stopping drinking and peeling away the layers helped me better understand where these things were really coming from and why they had compounded over so many years. 

The one thing I have learned is that I am willing to change.  I am willing to listen.  Sometimes it is harder than I would like it to be and change can't come over night, but I am willing.  As well I need to constantly remind myself that it took years for all of this damage to set into me, my change can't come overnight.  It's a process, and as much as It's hard to do at times I need to TRUST THE PROCESS.  

Moving to Detroit from 15 years in New York (the greatest city on earth, I will happily arm wrestle you on that fact) and growing up in Los Angeles was a shock to my system.

I have never experienced suburban life.  I've had bits and pieces of it as I passed through on my way to summer camp, but the truth is I'm spoiled rotten on city life.  Some call me an elitist and yes in a way I am.  

My life experiences are 1 million times different from the people I meet here.  Not bad, not better, just different.  I listen to their stories of childhoods that sound fresh from an episode of "The Wonder Years" and I am slightly jealous.  Two parents, school on a regular basis, parents that cared and were home, play dates, brothers and sisters who lived in the same house.  They got to be children.  What a gift.  This was not my life experience.

I never got to be a kid or a child.  I was taller and developed faster than most girls my age which automatically launched me into adulthood.  Growing up in a major city, we were hitting night clubs at 12/13 years old.  Drinking, smoking pot, hanging out with much old crowds, passing for 17/18 years old.  This was normal life in Los Angeles. 

When the opportunity arose to move to NYC I jumped on it.  I never felt 100% connected to LA, NY was a place where I could meet people from all walks of life, open minded, creative, non judgmental, I loved the crassness, that the word "fuck" was used as a verb, adjective, noun on a daily basis without anyone blinking an eye.  New York was a great place to party, meet insane people, be insane and everyone related.  We were New Yorkers, bonded by the love the city, by dancing to the beat of our own drummer without judgement.

Through my work in NY I was able to make friends all over the world.  Many of these relationships are stronger than if we lived in the same location. 

In AA I made a whole new family.  People who got me, we may have been different but our common bond for the love of drink brought us together to support and care without judgement.

Since moving to Detroit in May I've had an extremely difficult time.  AA here is different, so much so that I've stopped attending meetings.  My experience feels like I am constantly being judged and I haven't had that connection with anyone in the rooms no matter how much I've tried.  Its even gone as far as being ridiculed by a member for announcing my 3rd anniversary at the wrong time, which humiliated me and made me no longer want to return to that group.

I've been lucky that the AA people I came up with in NY still reach out and have been there.  With that said I haven't picked up a drink, but I have thought about drinking more now than when I first came into the program.  I recently got a rx from a doctor for an anti-anixty medication because I'm just not doing well. 

I feel disconnected from my friends, the family I came here to bond with and most of all as much as I pray, I feel disconnected from my higher power, which I know hasn't left me, I just don't feel the connection I once felt, I miss the light that helps me get through each day.

WIth all of that said, I will get on my knees again today.  I will pray for the connection, to be of service, to continue to grow and understand my part, to help heal my heart (which has recently been broken) and know deep inside that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  

I've been through a lot in my 40 years on this planet.  I've been through times similar to these.

I am blessed to live in a city in which I see growth and community even in the short time I've been here.  Yes, it's different and at times uncomfortable, but I am still grateful.

And I know in a few months spring will come, flowers will bloom again, my heart will be healed and I'll find my way back to the path I've lost over the past 8 month.

So I leave you with many blessings and much love for 2013.  You are all in my heart.

Shanon