Disconnect With Understanding

Yesterday I walked 12 miles around Manhattan, meeting up with friends, visiting old haunts, enjoying the walk only feeling incredibly disconnected from a city I thought I would marry one day. 

Yes, I was in love with New York, much like Carrie Bradshaw, New York was my one true love, my rock, my pilar, my man, now I feel as if, "it's a nice place to visit but I cannot imagine myself moving back." 

I feel disconnected in a healthy way from my past and New York.

It's not that New York itself, the greatest city in the world is all that different, yes,  in many ways it had changed, but more importantly I'm different, I'm doing my best to stay present in life. 

One thing I have realized is people create your world, many of my close friends left New York in the past 5 years choosing quality of life over quantity of things New York can provide. 

Trust me this is not a love letter to Detroit, although I am looking forward to getting back to my little apartment tomorrow.  

It's more of an awakening, not dwelling in the past or projecting too much into the future, just staying present, taking notice of my reaction to New York this trip. 

Recently I read the following and it's resonated strongly with me: 

Our past has meaning and our future has relevance only if we live with awareness and compassion in the present moment.

   

The irony of New York

"No Turns" 

A Grey Start To Spring

It is still grey here in Detroit, although spring has arrived.  The weather has gotten to me, there are sunny days that pop up in between that seem to promise change, sadly they quickly disappear and the gloomy grey returns. 

Each day brings a new struggle, especially when there is no sun. I almost prefer the snow on the ground, at least the white coat gleams something beautiful, it makes sense in the context of winter. All this grey sky, grey concrete along with the bare trees are a constant reminder of how I feel inside, a dead feeling, or the sad feelings, I only wish the feelings were actually dead, at least with death there is an ending. 

I realize I spend much of my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. How many of my hours wasted, even when I'm out doing things, there is an empty space within me that constantly hurts, nothing can fill it.  There are the moments of reprieve, they are few and far between, I am grateful for when they arrive, my head is somewhere else, then it returns and the hole is back.

There is a lot of learning when a relationship ends, I can say I've taken in a lot.  I am slowly understanding my part of its demise, things I should have done from the start that I knew where not the best ideas, I also knew I went into the relationship with a heart full of love and the best intentions, knowing somewhere in my gut that this person probably wasn't in the same place at the time, although they told me they were and they made me feel that things were going to be ok.  I trusted, I believed and I brought my faith in.

At the end of it all I feel used, judged, mistreated, misunderstood and easily discarded. Thrown away like old packaging, how wonderful it must be to be so free you can throw people away without a care and rebound so quickly. 

Although the hole within me is large and seems to be getting worse instead of healing, I have to constantly remind myself that I did my best to keep my part of the street clean, most of the issues were theirs.  This person was incapable of accepting me for who I was, which is ironic since it seemed that my free spirit is what drew me to them in the first place, eventually they constantly judged me and hurt my feelings, they made me feel as if they were embarrassed of me, towards the end they couldn't look me in the eye, be honest, hold my hand or sit with me.  These are not my issues, these solely belong to them. 

These things don't make this person a bad person, I have to understand that, it makes them a person who truly doesn't know themselves and if you aren't happy with yourself you will take that out on someone else, even if you say I love you a hundred times, it is meaningless.

When you love someone you love all of them, even their "flaws", acceptance, compassion, understanding, empathy, these are characteristics that make someone worth loving.

The worst part is I still love them, but I cannot remember why.

In ______ We Trust?

I've been in contemplation over what to write about next for a few days now. On several occasions I've started posts on various topics and have abandoned ship, it wasn't that the topics weren't good, it might have been my mood, not being ready to go in that direction or sometimes just plan bad/scary/awful material. Hey we aren't perfect, and if you were one of the lucky few to read "I Never Said I Was A Lady," before it came down you know I have never claimed to be either perfect nor a lady.

Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me.  I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do.  It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person.  Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work.  I'm one of the many.

If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood.  For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a  safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations.  I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow.  As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California.  My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life.  As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused.  Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues.  She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface.  Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.  

Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation.  As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust.  I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated.  It was really quite confusing.   

Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening. 

Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.  

Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell.  Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends.  Add that on to the trust issues, gross right?  I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?"  Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet.  Kinda cool.  But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it." 

After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings.  Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.

Saying Goodbye

About 3 years ago I was living in Brooklyn and my grandmother had recently moved back to West Bloomfield from years in Ft Lauderdale after her long time companion Bill had gotten ill.

She seemed very sad depressed.

On a telephone call she said to me, “I wish you lived here so we could be closer.”  A light went off in my head after we hung up, “I could move to Detroit, couldn’t I?  Be closer to my grandmother and help take care of her.”  Three months later I found myself packed up and on my way to live in Detroit.

It was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  It has been an honor to help take care of my Nana for the past 2 years and 9 months.

We had a very special relationship, it was more than just grandmother and granddaughter, we became friends.  We talked about things in deep confidence.  She trusted me and I was honored.

Family had always been the most important thing to my grandmother and there were many things that took place in our family that had caused our family to grow apart.  This was something that shook her core.

When we were told that Dorothy was in the last hours of her life, she defied the medical experts and stayed with us for several more days.  Family gathered at her bedside to love her and say goodbye, she stayed with us.  We worried she was struggling and were perplexed with what it could be about; I had my personal thoughts on her fears and faith although Tyra one of her caregivers told me recently her faith seemed restored.

On Thursday a caring social working suggested that maybe she needed to hear goodbye from people who hadn’t been near all week, we jumped on the phone with every family and friend we could think of to help her on her journey.

After we were done, several cousins and I sat feeling good about the work we had finished.  We also realized that we had not been this close since we were children and through Dorothy our love and connection had been rekindled.  We promised to honor her, our family and ourselves by staying in each others lives.

45 mins after our realization my grandmother passed peacefully as I held her hand along with my father, my cousins Bradley and Jennifer and Teresa her incredible caregiver.

After she passed we realized she hadn’t been struggling with her own issues, she needed us to do our work before she could leave. She needed us to be ok, she needed her family to come together and be a family again.

Beautiful Life

I am blessed.  

Tonight during a wonderful slow flow/yin class with Nick Presser (take class with him at Yoga Shelter Midtown) I started smiling and became filled with the full appreciation of life. My life.

Like any human I have hard days, challenges and wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  But I wake up, every day, I'm living my dash.

A few years ago my dear friend Jake told me the story of Living Your Dash and I was so inspired I wrote a blog entry on it, still one of the most favorite things I've ever written.

LIVE YOUR DASH BLOG

Lately I'm living my dash more than ever, making incredible friends in my new city of Detroit, hanging out with my 97 year old Grandmother, working with my Father, falling in love with biking & hula hooping, picking organic fruits and veggies on my friends' farm, walking down by the river, swimming at Belle Isle, traveling, practicing yoga and meditation.

Tonight I felt strong in yoga class, my body felt strong, I took deep breaths and smiled, laughed.  Life is an incredible gift.  Appreciate it, respect it, live your dash....

2013 This Too Shall Pass

Oh 2013 I welcome your new year and energy.

It's been quite sometime that I've felt inspired to write in my little blog.  And by the way, thank you to all of you who have read and been so supportive over the past few years.

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, they've never stuck for me.  Over the years I've tried the "eat better, work out more, quit smoking/drinking, blah blah" bs that most of the world promises themselves they will do each January, come Feb/March we are back to our old habits.  For me I've found a calendar year means nothing, when I'm ready to make a change I make the change regardless of the day.  I am not in anyway knocking resolutions and I wish you the best in all your goals, for me I haven't been able to keep one, so I'll continue on the path that I found works for me. 

The thing I do look forward to with each new year is the hope that this one will be a positive growing and learning experience.

2012 was an extremely difficult year for me.  One of the most difficult since 2009.

I moved from my home in Brooklyn/NYC, where I resided for 15 years to Detroit to be with a family I never really got to know well.  I moved here with the hope of creating a bond that was never really there.  My relationship was very on the surface for most of my life with this side of my family.  What I didn't know was I was walking into more than I anticipated. 

As a recovering alcoholic I've spent much of the past 3 1/2 years talking about and feeling my feelings on a daily basis with others who have gone through similar experiences. 

Through that recovery process and with the help of a wonderful therapist I was able to slowly chip away at issues that had plagued me for years.

Why was I doing/acting the way I was?  How can I change the behavior patterns moving forward?  How can I trust people and myself to heal? 

My drinking gave me the opportunity to numb myself from pain that I had lived with my whole life.  It allowed me to have "relationships" that were superficial but not meaningful, they were fun, they took me away from reality so I didn't have to deal with what was really going on deep inside.

As I grow as a person I've begun to slowly peel away the layers and see where these issues stem from, deep seated issues that started with childhood and continued to cement themselves into my core.  Drinking allowed me to ignore all of that and live a daily life, blaming anything that arose on everyone but myself.  Stopping drinking and peeling away the layers helped me better understand where these things were really coming from and why they had compounded over so many years. 

The one thing I have learned is that I am willing to change.  I am willing to listen.  Sometimes it is harder than I would like it to be and change can't come over night, but I am willing.  As well I need to constantly remind myself that it took years for all of this damage to set into me, my change can't come overnight.  It's a process, and as much as It's hard to do at times I need to TRUST THE PROCESS.  

Moving to Detroit from 15 years in New York (the greatest city on earth, I will happily arm wrestle you on that fact) and growing up in Los Angeles was a shock to my system.

I have never experienced suburban life.  I've had bits and pieces of it as I passed through on my way to summer camp, but the truth is I'm spoiled rotten on city life.  Some call me an elitist and yes in a way I am.  

My life experiences are 1 million times different from the people I meet here.  Not bad, not better, just different.  I listen to their stories of childhoods that sound fresh from an episode of "The Wonder Years" and I am slightly jealous.  Two parents, school on a regular basis, parents that cared and were home, play dates, brothers and sisters who lived in the same house.  They got to be children.  What a gift.  This was not my life experience.

I never got to be a kid or a child.  I was taller and developed faster than most girls my age which automatically launched me into adulthood.  Growing up in a major city, we were hitting night clubs at 12/13 years old.  Drinking, smoking pot, hanging out with much old crowds, passing for 17/18 years old.  This was normal life in Los Angeles. 

When the opportunity arose to move to NYC I jumped on it.  I never felt 100% connected to LA, NY was a place where I could meet people from all walks of life, open minded, creative, non judgmental, I loved the crassness, that the word "fuck" was used as a verb, adjective, noun on a daily basis without anyone blinking an eye.  New York was a great place to party, meet insane people, be insane and everyone related.  We were New Yorkers, bonded by the love the city, by dancing to the beat of our own drummer without judgement.

Through my work in NY I was able to make friends all over the world.  Many of these relationships are stronger than if we lived in the same location. 

In AA I made a whole new family.  People who got me, we may have been different but our common bond for the love of drink brought us together to support and care without judgement.

Since moving to Detroit in May I've had an extremely difficult time.  AA here is different, so much so that I've stopped attending meetings.  My experience feels like I am constantly being judged and I haven't had that connection with anyone in the rooms no matter how much I've tried.  Its even gone as far as being ridiculed by a member for announcing my 3rd anniversary at the wrong time, which humiliated me and made me no longer want to return to that group.

I've been lucky that the AA people I came up with in NY still reach out and have been there.  With that said I haven't picked up a drink, but I have thought about drinking more now than when I first came into the program.  I recently got a rx from a doctor for an anti-anixty medication because I'm just not doing well. 

I feel disconnected from my friends, the family I came here to bond with and most of all as much as I pray, I feel disconnected from my higher power, which I know hasn't left me, I just don't feel the connection I once felt, I miss the light that helps me get through each day.

WIth all of that said, I will get on my knees again today.  I will pray for the connection, to be of service, to continue to grow and understand my part, to help heal my heart (which has recently been broken) and know deep inside that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  

I've been through a lot in my 40 years on this planet.  I've been through times similar to these.

I am blessed to live in a city in which I see growth and community even in the short time I've been here.  Yes, it's different and at times uncomfortable, but I am still grateful.

And I know in a few months spring will come, flowers will bloom again, my heart will be healed and I'll find my way back to the path I've lost over the past 8 month.

So I leave you with many blessings and much love for 2013.  You are all in my heart.

Shanon