Nostalgic For Love

Clearly when love is lost your mind tells you it will never happen again.  We've all been there once, twice, who can count the times? Well, maybe some of us can.  The last few days music has been reminding me of times of my life I felt love, or thought I was in love. Today was a large musical walk down memory lane. 

It's funny what can trigger a feeling.  When you get sober you are advised to stay away from people, places and things that trigger feelings to drink.  Most of the time you have to learn the hard way, doing something stupid, wanting to drink then going to an AA meeting and talking about it, you learn not to do it again, if you're one of the lucky ones.  

Music was my trigger today but in a positive way, it made me nostalgic.  Nostalgia equals happy memories. 

Hearing some songs earlier triggered a very happy time in my life, today I felt very nostalgic for love, not the love i recently lost but for a love I had a long time ago. 

This love was not perfect, it's highs and lows were intense, this love was just like a movie.

It had all the bells and whistles.  I remember the moment I thought, "oh good lord, you are in big trouble now,"  looking at him standing outside a bar in the East Village sharing a cigarette in the rain.

We had a great love for a short time and great romance, it was filled with laughter, passion and drama.  

One Christmas we went to the movies to see, "Benjamin Button" and during the most romantic part of the film where Cate Blanchette and Brad Pitt were the same age, living in their one room apartment with a mattress on the floor, never leaving except to get food, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "that reminds me of us."

Today I felt nostalgic for a moment in time, music reconnected me for a little while. I believe it reminded me that hearts can mend and love is ever present if you want it. Each love is unique and as we grow the heart needs different things.  

It's nice to be nostalgic for a bit, I think it cracked my heart open a little more, and when the heart opens the light is able to get in.

It's Always Sunnier In California

Where do I begin to sum up the gratitude I feel now as I return from my trip to California. 

So much healing, so much closure, support and unconditional love.

My best friend Carrie who saw my pain, scooped me up w a plane tix and a place to stay. My eternal gratitude is with you I can't begin to say thank you enough, you helped me save my life. 

AI Weiwei for the inspiration and reminder that we all have voices, they need to be heard and respected. 

Rebecca Rosen for bringing for my Team Spirit, allowing my heart to beat again after the brokenness I felt from the loss of my Nana Dorothy and dog Lulu. Two major members of my Team Spirit, they confirm again the other side, the unconditional love and guidance we receive from it if we are open and do the work. 

My dear friend Moira who's spiritual wisdom and kindness never ceases to awe me. I thank you so much for your hospitality but than that your inspirational heart. 

Team LA, loves of my life my sister Brooke who is the original free spirit, David Jarrett who's laugh makes me smile more than most, the Laks' my extended family whom I would eat if possible all four of them, that's love. Shauna for growing up to be an insightful women, she reminds me to follow your dreams and if you wanna sleep in a loft in the ceiling or the floor of a closet to do it do it with joy and a giggle. 

Of course what a terrific reunion with Raerae who I consider my greatest accomplishment, she had the raw goods, now she's a powerhouse. Oakes and Soren, who's steadfastness is a force. America! America! Go West! 

Oh geez, I can't forget about my spiritual partner Mo. I'm one lucky human that I get this one in my life, he reminds me and challenges my mind with questions I would have never thought of myself. And he sits through all my insane stories w a calmness and an open mind. Thank you my friend. 

Kimzo, my beachy soul sister, who I've had the pleasure to watch her grow into a spiritual insightful woman who not only cracks me up with her genius-ness, inspires me with her creative soul and honest heart. 

Plus all kinds of new friends. 

Thank everyone for the inspiration and on my healing journey. 

As I touch down in Detroit I feel like I have closure and a new path. 

Here we go......

Beautiful urban farm we visited and ate the most incredible bfst. 

Good reminder from a new friends daughter. 

Don't Quit Until The Miracle Happens

This was not the blog piece I intended to write, I actually have been working on a piece on intimacy, but clearly the universe has other things it needs me to see and say, so I'll go with what is put in front of me, this usually is the best way.

In two days I leave for California, I can only thank my best friend from high school Carrie for that, she has this ability to scrape me off the floor like no one else in the world, she did it once before in the early 90s and she came to my recuse again.

My anti-depressants are working! So thank you doctors and integrative health team in Dearborn Heights.  Incredible, blessing, now I get to work on quieting the voice in my head that reminds me of the damage I am trying to heal from on a daily basis.  I am doing the work for this to take place, slowly it will happen, I have faith, I've battled bigger beasts. 

So in anticipation of my trip I planned some activities I really wanted to do but had not had the opportunity on my last visits to the Bay Area.  I'll tour Alcatraz and the AI Weiwei installation that is on the island, amazing, as it closes two days after I leave (the exhibit, not the national park/prision). I'll bike tour through the city and over the Golden Gate, I love biking and am super excited, I have a weird fascination and fear of suspension bridges.  I once had a massive panic attack on the Golden Gate and oddly enough on the Brooklyn.  Is it possible that something happened in a past life to me on a suspension bridge?

Carrie and I will stay a night in Carmel then make our way down to Esalen Institute for massages and time in the healing sulfer baths that hang on the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

I also plan on healing by bringing the custom made ring that was given to me by my ex on my birthday visit to Big Sur last year and I'll be giving it to the Pacific Ocean.  It is an incredible thing how something that meant so much and seemed so heartfelt almost a year ago can make you physical ill to look at it, it looks and feels like a lie, a lie in fancy box. It was once run over by a car, I should have taken that as a sign of things to come.

But I regress, the trip will be wonderful and healing.  All the time something inside of me kept repeating, "wouldn't it be wild if Rebecca Rosen somehow appeared and did a reading in San Fran while you were there?"  I personally had never seen the Bay Area on her schedule, it's usually LA, Boulder, Denver, Metro Detroit, NYC and Texas.  But today the universe responded....

An email appeared, Rebecca Rosen will be doing TWO small group readings in San Francisco on Thursday 4/23.  WHAT?????  

So I did it.  The universe called, I answered.  Myself and 11 other people will join her next Thursday, I know my Nana is aware of the difficult time I have been having since her death and my break up with Joe.  She's letting me know and she is showing up.  I am beyond grateful, floored, my head is spinning.

My tix is booked, and of course the Rebecca Rosen book Spirited I ordered at the beginning of the week showed up last night in the mail. Universe, timing.

Basically, if you stay on the path, do the work, open yourself to the signs, pray, have faith and ask for help you get exactly what you need.

Or as they say in AA, Don't Quit Before The Miracle Happens.

With love, light and a drop of clarity. Shanon

Begin To Hope

Begin To Hope is one of my favorite albums. It's also a phrase that I have had on my mind a lot since I last wrote a week ago.

First I thank all of you who reached out, wrote me amazing letters of support and especially to the people who continuously checked in with me to see how I was doing. 

Last weekend was one of the darkest moments I have had in my life since getting sober, a combination of months of bad weather, death of a loved one and heart break seemed to create the perfect storm which led me to serious contemplate if life was worth living anymore. 

Luckily I have tools, my ability to write, ask for help, things I learned in sobriety. Knowing something was very wrong and what was happening was not who I am at my core, I asked for the help, wrote and tried to see what was going on instead of giving up. 

A few years ago a person I know killed herself shortly after getting sober, the consequences were great, it rattled through so many people and changed so many lives, I thought a lot about that, how would my death change others.

I know suicide is a selfish act.  I also know that on many occasions I after hearing about other people committing suicide I have said, "what darkness must they have been in to think that was the only way out." 

Having the tools I've learned in getting sober, and therapy saved me last weekend. Some get it, some don't that's ok.

I am happy to report I asked for help and not only did an out pouring of it come from friends, I walked into a doctors office who practices with an integrative holistic psychologist and they immediately put me on medication.  Normally I stay away from pharmaceutical drugs, but I know now I need something more than what I'm doing. 

For months I haven't eaten, I started smoking again, my sleep has been non existent and it manifested itself in to a beast.  Oddly enough I have been practicing yoga and meditation, thank god. 

The doctors say the meds should start taking effect in 7 days, today is day three and I will return to the doctor in four days to check in. 

I am not embarrassed by any of this, asking for help, practicing some self care is nothing to be ashamed of, my behavior the way I've treated myself these past months is nothing I am proud of but I am trying, I am trying to get well.

My doctor explained that I am grieving on many levels for many things that have taken place. It's normal.  He also made me promise to stay with the planet until I see him next, no self harm.  I promised that to him.

Trying to eat but nothing has taste, today I will eat something, as they are also concerned about the quick weight drop in this short period of time, personally I'm not, who doesn't need to lost 15 pounds!? Although I do physically feel pretty bad. 

Today I'll do my best to enjoy a bit of the warm weather, practice some self care and get ready for what lies ahead in the week.  I know my issues are having negative effects on many people and I am trying so hard so keep them inside, I just cracked recently, I couldn't take the pain, it pushed it's way out, but I think that is ok too.  It's got to move out to let the healing take place. 

Thanks again for the support.  I'll check in from San Fran next week, I'm really looking forward to spending time with my best friend and getting out of Detroit for a while. 

A Grey Start To Spring

It is still grey here in Detroit, although spring has arrived.  The weather has gotten to me, there are sunny days that pop up in between that seem to promise change, sadly they quickly disappear and the gloomy grey returns. 

Each day brings a new struggle, especially when there is no sun. I almost prefer the snow on the ground, at least the white coat gleams something beautiful, it makes sense in the context of winter. All this grey sky, grey concrete along with the bare trees are a constant reminder of how I feel inside, a dead feeling, or the sad feelings, I only wish the feelings were actually dead, at least with death there is an ending. 

I realize I spend much of my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. How many of my hours wasted, even when I'm out doing things, there is an empty space within me that constantly hurts, nothing can fill it.  There are the moments of reprieve, they are few and far between, I am grateful for when they arrive, my head is somewhere else, then it returns and the hole is back.

There is a lot of learning when a relationship ends, I can say I've taken in a lot.  I am slowly understanding my part of its demise, things I should have done from the start that I knew where not the best ideas, I also knew I went into the relationship with a heart full of love and the best intentions, knowing somewhere in my gut that this person probably wasn't in the same place at the time, although they told me they were and they made me feel that things were going to be ok.  I trusted, I believed and I brought my faith in.

At the end of it all I feel used, judged, mistreated, misunderstood and easily discarded. Thrown away like old packaging, how wonderful it must be to be so free you can throw people away without a care and rebound so quickly. 

Although the hole within me is large and seems to be getting worse instead of healing, I have to constantly remind myself that I did my best to keep my part of the street clean, most of the issues were theirs.  This person was incapable of accepting me for who I was, which is ironic since it seemed that my free spirit is what drew me to them in the first place, eventually they constantly judged me and hurt my feelings, they made me feel as if they were embarrassed of me, towards the end they couldn't look me in the eye, be honest, hold my hand or sit with me.  These are not my issues, these solely belong to them. 

These things don't make this person a bad person, I have to understand that, it makes them a person who truly doesn't know themselves and if you aren't happy with yourself you will take that out on someone else, even if you say I love you a hundred times, it is meaningless.

When you love someone you love all of them, even their "flaws", acceptance, compassion, understanding, empathy, these are characteristics that make someone worth loving.

The worst part is I still love them, but I cannot remember why.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

The heart, we each have one, it beats, some days in perfect rhythm, some times it breaks, when it breaks it feels like nothing can put it back together. 

Mine is broken now.  It's not the first time, but it doesn't hurt any less. 

Over time it will mend, over time I will feel better.  Now I don't. 

Spring is around the corner, as much as the snow still sits on the ground, someone recently promised me tulips will be arrive March 21st.

I know that over the next few weeks I have travel to look forward to, reconnecting with friends and new adventures.

These things will help with the healing process.

I'll continue to work my processes to heal, my processes take a little more time than others, I'm passionate, when I give my love and trust it's real and deep, when those things are broken my healing takes a while.  

That's ok, I like who I am at my core, I am a person with the capacity to grow, learn and continue on this journey.

2013 This Too Shall Pass

Oh 2013 I welcome your new year and energy.

It's been quite sometime that I've felt inspired to write in my little blog.  And by the way, thank you to all of you who have read and been so supportive over the past few years.

I'm not one to make new years resolutions, they've never stuck for me.  Over the years I've tried the "eat better, work out more, quit smoking/drinking, blah blah" bs that most of the world promises themselves they will do each January, come Feb/March we are back to our old habits.  For me I've found a calendar year means nothing, when I'm ready to make a change I make the change regardless of the day.  I am not in anyway knocking resolutions and I wish you the best in all your goals, for me I haven't been able to keep one, so I'll continue on the path that I found works for me. 

The thing I do look forward to with each new year is the hope that this one will be a positive growing and learning experience.

2012 was an extremely difficult year for me.  One of the most difficult since 2009.

I moved from my home in Brooklyn/NYC, where I resided for 15 years to Detroit to be with a family I never really got to know well.  I moved here with the hope of creating a bond that was never really there.  My relationship was very on the surface for most of my life with this side of my family.  What I didn't know was I was walking into more than I anticipated. 

As a recovering alcoholic I've spent much of the past 3 1/2 years talking about and feeling my feelings on a daily basis with others who have gone through similar experiences. 

Through that recovery process and with the help of a wonderful therapist I was able to slowly chip away at issues that had plagued me for years.

Why was I doing/acting the way I was?  How can I change the behavior patterns moving forward?  How can I trust people and myself to heal? 

My drinking gave me the opportunity to numb myself from pain that I had lived with my whole life.  It allowed me to have "relationships" that were superficial but not meaningful, they were fun, they took me away from reality so I didn't have to deal with what was really going on deep inside.

As I grow as a person I've begun to slowly peel away the layers and see where these issues stem from, deep seated issues that started with childhood and continued to cement themselves into my core.  Drinking allowed me to ignore all of that and live a daily life, blaming anything that arose on everyone but myself.  Stopping drinking and peeling away the layers helped me better understand where these things were really coming from and why they had compounded over so many years. 

The one thing I have learned is that I am willing to change.  I am willing to listen.  Sometimes it is harder than I would like it to be and change can't come over night, but I am willing.  As well I need to constantly remind myself that it took years for all of this damage to set into me, my change can't come overnight.  It's a process, and as much as It's hard to do at times I need to TRUST THE PROCESS.  

Moving to Detroit from 15 years in New York (the greatest city on earth, I will happily arm wrestle you on that fact) and growing up in Los Angeles was a shock to my system.

I have never experienced suburban life.  I've had bits and pieces of it as I passed through on my way to summer camp, but the truth is I'm spoiled rotten on city life.  Some call me an elitist and yes in a way I am.  

My life experiences are 1 million times different from the people I meet here.  Not bad, not better, just different.  I listen to their stories of childhoods that sound fresh from an episode of "The Wonder Years" and I am slightly jealous.  Two parents, school on a regular basis, parents that cared and were home, play dates, brothers and sisters who lived in the same house.  They got to be children.  What a gift.  This was not my life experience.

I never got to be a kid or a child.  I was taller and developed faster than most girls my age which automatically launched me into adulthood.  Growing up in a major city, we were hitting night clubs at 12/13 years old.  Drinking, smoking pot, hanging out with much old crowds, passing for 17/18 years old.  This was normal life in Los Angeles. 

When the opportunity arose to move to NYC I jumped on it.  I never felt 100% connected to LA, NY was a place where I could meet people from all walks of life, open minded, creative, non judgmental, I loved the crassness, that the word "fuck" was used as a verb, adjective, noun on a daily basis without anyone blinking an eye.  New York was a great place to party, meet insane people, be insane and everyone related.  We were New Yorkers, bonded by the love the city, by dancing to the beat of our own drummer without judgement.

Through my work in NY I was able to make friends all over the world.  Many of these relationships are stronger than if we lived in the same location. 

In AA I made a whole new family.  People who got me, we may have been different but our common bond for the love of drink brought us together to support and care without judgement.

Since moving to Detroit in May I've had an extremely difficult time.  AA here is different, so much so that I've stopped attending meetings.  My experience feels like I am constantly being judged and I haven't had that connection with anyone in the rooms no matter how much I've tried.  Its even gone as far as being ridiculed by a member for announcing my 3rd anniversary at the wrong time, which humiliated me and made me no longer want to return to that group.

I've been lucky that the AA people I came up with in NY still reach out and have been there.  With that said I haven't picked up a drink, but I have thought about drinking more now than when I first came into the program.  I recently got a rx from a doctor for an anti-anixty medication because I'm just not doing well. 

I feel disconnected from my friends, the family I came here to bond with and most of all as much as I pray, I feel disconnected from my higher power, which I know hasn't left me, I just don't feel the connection I once felt, I miss the light that helps me get through each day.

WIth all of that said, I will get on my knees again today.  I will pray for the connection, to be of service, to continue to grow and understand my part, to help heal my heart (which has recently been broken) and know deep inside that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.  

I've been through a lot in my 40 years on this planet.  I've been through times similar to these.

I am blessed to live in a city in which I see growth and community even in the short time I've been here.  Yes, it's different and at times uncomfortable, but I am still grateful.

And I know in a few months spring will come, flowers will bloom again, my heart will be healed and I'll find my way back to the path I've lost over the past 8 month.

So I leave you with many blessings and much love for 2013.  You are all in my heart.

Shanon