Both of these things bring up joy and pain, many thoughts, feelings, graditude, love, anger for each.
Lulu was truly one of the loves of my life, I spent almost 17 years with that little furball. I was a complete wreck of a 20something when my then boyfriend Dave and I adopted her from a shelter in Spanish Harlem. She chose me, I wanted the cute little apple head fawn standing next to her, Lulu was rail thin with extra teeth and covered in poop. She picked me. The next 14 years she was my number 2 dog, playing second fiddle to Fred the Wonder dog. I was completely oblivious to how important she was in my life until Fred died. Lulu taught me responsibility, she showed me nothing but unconditional love, we traveled together, still to this day I find her little hairs in all my big purses that she patiently sat in as we explored the world together. She taught me about death in a positive way, she gave me understanding, compassion and empathy. Deciding it was her time was one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Could I live the way she was with such a poor quality of life? Would she do the same for me? We can have so much control over ending the lives of our animals, ending their suffering but we can't do the same for our human love ones.
So on an evening much like tonight, I sat on a picnic table under a small grove of trees with the two loves of my life and an amazing compassionate vet, held her in my arms and let her pass. It was peaceful, sad and beautiful. My ex-boyfriend Joe was incredible on that day. I can't begin to put in words how much strength he brought in those moments, I'm grateful he was there.
Each day since Lulu stays in my heart, she is my guardian angel, watching over me and supporting me with her unconditional love, just like when she was alive. She chose me, she knew what she was doing, that wise little ball of fur and heart.
Lulu's death helped prepare me for the passing of my Nana six months later, for that I can never say enough thank yous.
Of course none of this could be happening in the way it has without my sobriety.
Six years ago I was a bigger mess than ever, heartbroken and not wanting to live. I drank my final drinks at my friend Tara's who strangely enough still has one beer left from that night in her refrigerator on Grand Street. I think it's almost like her sobriety chip for me, I'm glad still still has it.
The next morning God cracked the window, I knew I needed to go to AA for help. I've always had AA people in my life, I believe they were planting the seeds I would need that morning, June 20, 2009.
I went to a meeting at Greenwood in Brooklyn at noon, and cried, people were incredible, unconditional outpouring of love and empathy. I went back again the next day, more love.
My life is different today, I'm different, I think back at the things I did or the ways I felt and really feel as if I'm looking at someone else. That girl has been replaced by a sober woman, who learns and grows daily. My gratitude is immeasurable for AA, all my supporters and my own sobriety. Today I live life, it's on life's terms and I'm ok with that, even when I'm not.
My sunset tonight as I wrote this passage.
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