The Still Sick & Suffering

At the end of many AA meetings the group will stand, hold hands and recite together the Serenity Prayer.  Often times the person leading the prayer will say, “let’s take a moment for silence for the still sick and suffering”

Today, that phrase, “the still sick and suffering” is on my mind.  In AA it refers to the people that continue to struggle with their addiction of alcohol.   For me, today, actually many days those words bring to mind the still sick and suffering person in my life, my mother.

My mom always drank, she loves to drink, my whole life I watched her drink and didn’t really notice that it might be a problem.  To be honest I was too busy concentrating on my own drinking, enjoying it and living life as a young “functioning” alcoholic.

In 1997 when I moved to NYC I began to notice for the first time how much my mother drank on a daily basis.  Slowly over the years I saw the consequences of her drinking, fighting with boyfriends, car accidents, arrests (kept from me, but told to friends that eventually brought them to my attention). 

I lived 3000 miles away and was trying hard to build my life in NYC, getting married in 2000, separated/divorced in 2007 eventually my current life of as a sober woman as of 2009.

Once I got sober I began to understand the nuances of alcohol addiction.  Watching myself grow into sobriety, I also watch my mother’s struggle with the disease.

The last time I saw my mother was in December 2009, I was almost 6 months sober.  She had moved to Maui, Hawaii a year prior, the trip was hard for me, watching my mother hide her drinking, her neighbor who was also sober took me to meetings while I was visiting, he also informed me that my mother was on her best behavior while I was in town.

For the past few years I have had glimpses of my mothers pain and alcoholism from 6000+ miles away, not being able to hold on to a job, blaming everyone except herself for her problems, depression, deep denial, it’s incredibly painful to watch her self sabotage. Which is why I can’t bring myself to visit again, although I am often racked with guilt about it.

The worst fact about it all is that less than 50 yards from her front door is a wonderful AA meeting on the beach at sunset everyday.  The sober people I met on Maui are like most AA members I meet traveling, warm, loving, understanding and full of gratitude.  If she only took those steps her life at 60 years old would change in the most incredible way.

I take solace in understanding that I can’t make her get help, it’s something she needs to do herself, so I pray and take these moments of silence for her suffering and sickness.   I'll continue to pray by the grace of her higher power she’ll find her way onto the beach.

Slave To Love....Self Centered Bullshit

Bryan Ferry of Roxy Music married his son's ex-girlfriend recently. 

Ferry is 66, bride is 29.  My father is 66.

Can you pick which person in this photo is the son that formerly dated the bride?  
Here's a hint, he looks unhappy (2nd from left).


When I was a freshman in high school my mother then approximately my age now 39 began dating a friend of mine who was a high school senior


I was the last person to know, people made funny remarks and I would reply, "there is no way that would happen, that's my mother."  One evening I caught the two of them kissing outside of our house, it had be going on for a while, I was the last to know.


Their relationship lasted about 7 years.  He was and is a really good person.  My mother on the other hand....self centered, never thinking of anything or anyone beyond what she wants, that's her m.o. 


My mother was married at the time the relationship began.  Her marriage was coming to a close.  The relationship between my mother and my friend was humiliating for me, but I couldn't show that feeling to anyone.  People never said anything to my face, but I know that I became a joke because of my mother. That hurt, I was incredibly resentful toward my mother for years, part of me is still angry at her.


Parents are supposed to protect their children, put the child's needs first.  My mother didn't, about two years ago when I got sober I asked my mother if she ever thought about how her decision to date my high school friend affected me.  Her answer, "I never thought of it."  There was no apology, no sympathy, she did what she did because that's what she wanted.


Reading the story about Bryan Ferry made me physical ill.  What a selfish act, Mr Ferry I bet your son already has issues living in the shadow of a rock star parent, now you marry his ex-girlfriend?  I bet it has never crossed your mind that regardless if your son says he's ok, he's not.  


I'm not ok and it's been almost 15+ years. Needless to say I won't be listening to Roxy Music anytime in the near future, I've become a non-fan of this sick and self centered narcissist. 

I'm easy like sunday morning....

Not only is this song great, the outfit Lionel is wearing might top Neil Diamond in the super sparkly suit realm.  And currently I'm feeling "easy like Sunday morning"


Last night I had the insomnia again, maybe it's not insomnia, I have been going to bed way to early and waking up at hours like 3am, 4am and 5am when nothing is going on, not even an exciting Twitter feed.  Is it possible I need to follow a speed freak that doesn't stop Tweeting for early morning entertainment? Please send suggestions as I am now reading Walden, again.


This morning after a thorough cleaning of my apartment I headed to the noon Bikram class up the street.  I've been having some challenges with my lower back and sciatica. Man, its rough, the back just gives out which forces me to go easy in postures right when my mind is in the groove and wants to push me further. 


This afternoon I had solid conversations with several people that have left me feeling"easy".  


I tend to forget that I've been on this planet, have experienced so much, worked so hard on myself in the past few years that I have the power to bring some practical vision to things others are dealing with in their lives.


In AA they say we are here to help the "still sick and suffering," which on any given day can easily be me.  Today I was able to be there for a few people and in the process make myself feel good too.  That's a gift, not a gift of my super human powers, but the gift of being alive.  If you can be there for someone to help ease their pain it will in return make you feel good.  Double your pleasure? You bet.


My 96 year old Grandmother is having an especially difficult time right now, her partner for the last 17 years is living with his children because of dementia. She is being uprooted from her home for the past 20+ years in South Florida to return to an assisted living facility in Detroit, her home town.  Most of her belongings are being given away, and next week she'll be all moved into her new place. 


My father is doing an incredible job at being there for her, he is a wonderful son, I only wish I can be there for him when he needs that support too.  I guess I am now or at least I try. 


The conversation between my Grandmother and I was hard, the last few times I've spoken to her, she is depressed, stressed out and seems unmotivated.  I asked her if she believed in God, now this is a woman who was head of the B'nai B'rith mind you (national, not just local), she said "yes and no, lately I don't feel god"  This made me extremely sad, as I said, she was always very involved in her temple and the rituals of Judaism.  Which leaves me to question if she practiced her religion out of habit, the ritual or if she actually does have a spiritual side?  Now wasn't the time to ask her, I will return to this conversation in the future once she is more settled in. 


I think most of my family practices out of forced habit.  That might be why I was never drawn to religion and why when I practiced I questioned everything.  Was it for the love of god or faith?  It didn't seem like either growing up, cue "Tradition" from Fiddler On The Roof...


Now I consider myself deeply spiritual.  It has nothing to do with religion.  It has to do with my "conscious contact with my high power," I often call it god for lack of a better term, but only in the presence of people who won't run off thinking I'm trying to convert them. 


AA helped me find my faith in a higher power, it was the start of my spiritual journey which I work on daily.  This year was a big growth on that journey, studying the Bhagavad Gita, Yoga Sutras, The Bible and The AA Big Book.  At the end of the day, what I've discovered is simple, if you can open your mind and believe that there is something bigger than yourself out there, you have faith.  It will develop and keep you peaceful, if you can expand on that and add a little meditation or reflection it will change your life. 


That's my experience, not unique in anyway, it works for me.  It seems to work for others I know too, so I share that with you.


When I let my ego take over and think that I'm in control all hell breaks loose.  Sometimes that needs to happen to remind me that I have faith and it's deep.  Hell my parents named me Shanon Faith!  How could I have not had it all these years??  I only needed to unlock it.


I'll leave you with this, actually it's for someone special that I know will understand, just fake it until you make it.  I'll have faith for you now until you have it for yourself. 


Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.


xo


Shanon