My friend Julie sent me a demo of a song she wrote recently, it's called "Electric Brain" It has sunken into my little damaged brain, has got me thinking about technology and how we relate to each other as humans.
Where to begin...?
My first job as an adult we had computers. No email, no internet and a really "fast" piece of cutting edge technology called a facsimile machine. That was in 1991.
Today part of my "job" is actually relaying information via electronic and social media to the masses. It's a love/hate relationship with technology.
There is rarely a moment of the day when I'm not working, reading email, communicating via Facebook, blogs, text, Twitter and even GASP the telephone.
Yes, I use the telephone, it's my cell phone, I no longer have a landline and haven't since I moved to Brooklyn from Manhattan and gave up my precious 212 number. That might have been 2004 or 2005, the years pretty much blur in that period.
A few years back my friend Mo stopped using all technology, including the telephone, it seemed like a kooky experiment (knowing him it was). You had to go to his house to get in touch with him. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but he has been back for a while now. He only communicates via email now, it drives me slightly batty, nevertheless I love him.
So why is all of this on my head? Truth be told I've been checking my email like a mad woman for the past 24 hours waiting for a response to an email I sent off yesterday.
I miss human contact, I miss talking to people in person or even on the phone. I would much prefer to Skype with someone to see a face on the other end than send a text.
Many things get diluted and misconstrued in this new communication process. I've sent myself into a blind rage over text or emails received only to find out they didn't mean what I thought they did, or like now, have driven myself to obsession waiting for a sign of life on the other side of an email.
Several months ago I got in a text fight with one of my best friends that had us not communicating until a few days ago when I apologized in an email.
Technology is incredible. I love seeing peoples lives through Facebook, reading your random thoughts on Twitter and that I can send my blabber out into space at any given moment. It also allows us to work from anywhere in the world. The globe becomes my office, I like this concept a lot.
The sad part is it isolates us. It keeps us from the ones we cherish the most and turns our true feelings into a 140 character blurt.
I go back and forth on technology, as I said at the start of this entry, it's love/hate. Today I sit in the middle of those feelings, waiting for answers that don't come and stuffing a Peanut Chew in my mouth trying to make myself feel a little better.
Shanon
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Spam I Am
Somedays I feel like everything I write goes out into this unknown digital universe and becomes spam to someone else.
Well, I know that isn't true because for some reason unbeknownst to me you lovely folks out there in the digital universe write me sweet, supportive, kind, insightful and inspiring emails.
I thank you for that, this blog wasn't meant to entertain or inspire. It was a way for me to write, heal, create and move forward. And it does just that for me every time I write.
When I started it I had no idea the impact that my thoughts would make on you kind folks. You identify with my thoughts and feelings. There is great comfort in receiving your emails. Thank you.
Being the typical alcoholic I am (recovering now), I've learned that I am not alone in what I thought to be my uniqueness. There are millions of people who drank like me, who think like me and have similar life experiences. It's what we do next that really defines us.
I am not the first person to struggle with addiction, abuse, heartache, death, trust, ego, faith and family. Although when I was drinking I thought I was.
Time and time again I identify with people in the rooms of AA and the people that I met in my new life of sobriety. My connections with people now are real, when I was drinking I thought they were real, they were basically bullshit.
It's no longer a coincidence to me when I am feeling low that people appear out of nowhere to help pick me back up. When my crappy alcoholic thinking creeps around and tells me I can have "one" I run into a recovering alcoholic on the street or an email or text from someone appears in my InBox that relates to what's going on with me at that moment. These things happen everyday, they are my high power keeping me safe from heading down the path that leads to my death.
I know this, if I drink again, I will die. That simple, it sounds dramatic, but that is my truth. My last days of drinking were filled with me wishing I would die, it's enviable that if I pick up I will return to that thinking. How do I know that, I've seen it happen to people around me.
So today I choose life. I have chosen it for the past 919 days, tomorrow I hope to choose it again.
These past few weeks I've been battling some pretty heavy stuff, staring with the relationship with my active alcoholic mother to having a man I really liked dump me on the streets of Chinatown without warning.
The comfort for me comes from you. Writing my truths, having friends around me that are there to pick me up and faith in myself, all of this comes as a gift of my sobriety.
I know there are a few of you out there that are really going through some heavy things right now, and I am very grateful that you shared these things with me. Your strength has given me courage to look at my challenges and get through them.
And I know we will get through them. The other day when I was walking back to my apartment from my drive-by dumping in Chinatown, I really wanted to drink to numb me. While walking up the street that I live on I told myself (out loud) that I wouldn't let this experience take my sobriety, I've been through so much worse (read my back blog posts and enjoy the ride) and I didn't drink, I can get through this bump in the road.
This time of year is rough for me, it is rough for a lot of people on the planet, but for me the past several years I've had big challenges in January/February, see timeline below, so I'm getting a bit anxious about the start of 2012. I've moved through all of them but for some reason the start of a new year is always a bumpy ride for me.
Feb 2009 - My boyfriend left for California to record an album, it was the start of my heaviest drinking, our real journey together that leads to my sobriety.
Jan 2010 - Woke up feeling weird, couldn't speak, found inoperable cyst on my temporal lobe, thus starts a new life journey....And a new found appreciation for life that one can only get when they face death.
Feb 2011 - My best friend dies of heart failure, he's a my dog Fred, I had him for almost 14 years. I hold him while he goes, thanking him. It breaks my heart and changes my purpose in life.
I guess now that I look at these things, they have all been hard, yes, as well they have all changed my life for the better. So I'll look at them with gratitude.
Oh 2012, I hope that you will be gentle on me this year, shouldn't turning 40 be a challenge enough on its own?
With all this I leave you for the night. I've completely torn my book project apart, renamed it, restructured it and am starting from scratch. It's better now, it's my truth, so I'm off to write.
Still living my dash and I hope you are too. I bid you adieu.
Shanon
Well, I know that isn't true because for some reason unbeknownst to me you lovely folks out there in the digital universe write me sweet, supportive, kind, insightful and inspiring emails.
I thank you for that, this blog wasn't meant to entertain or inspire. It was a way for me to write, heal, create and move forward. And it does just that for me every time I write.
When I started it I had no idea the impact that my thoughts would make on you kind folks. You identify with my thoughts and feelings. There is great comfort in receiving your emails. Thank you.
Being the typical alcoholic I am (recovering now), I've learned that I am not alone in what I thought to be my uniqueness. There are millions of people who drank like me, who think like me and have similar life experiences. It's what we do next that really defines us.
I am not the first person to struggle with addiction, abuse, heartache, death, trust, ego, faith and family. Although when I was drinking I thought I was.
Time and time again I identify with people in the rooms of AA and the people that I met in my new life of sobriety. My connections with people now are real, when I was drinking I thought they were real, they were basically bullshit.
It's no longer a coincidence to me when I am feeling low that people appear out of nowhere to help pick me back up. When my crappy alcoholic thinking creeps around and tells me I can have "one" I run into a recovering alcoholic on the street or an email or text from someone appears in my InBox that relates to what's going on with me at that moment. These things happen everyday, they are my high power keeping me safe from heading down the path that leads to my death.
I know this, if I drink again, I will die. That simple, it sounds dramatic, but that is my truth. My last days of drinking were filled with me wishing I would die, it's enviable that if I pick up I will return to that thinking. How do I know that, I've seen it happen to people around me.
So today I choose life. I have chosen it for the past 919 days, tomorrow I hope to choose it again.
These past few weeks I've been battling some pretty heavy stuff, staring with the relationship with my active alcoholic mother to having a man I really liked dump me on the streets of Chinatown without warning.
The comfort for me comes from you. Writing my truths, having friends around me that are there to pick me up and faith in myself, all of this comes as a gift of my sobriety.
I know there are a few of you out there that are really going through some heavy things right now, and I am very grateful that you shared these things with me. Your strength has given me courage to look at my challenges and get through them.
And I know we will get through them. The other day when I was walking back to my apartment from my drive-by dumping in Chinatown, I really wanted to drink to numb me. While walking up the street that I live on I told myself (out loud) that I wouldn't let this experience take my sobriety, I've been through so much worse (read my back blog posts and enjoy the ride) and I didn't drink, I can get through this bump in the road.
This time of year is rough for me, it is rough for a lot of people on the planet, but for me the past several years I've had big challenges in January/February, see timeline below, so I'm getting a bit anxious about the start of 2012. I've moved through all of them but for some reason the start of a new year is always a bumpy ride for me.
Feb 2009 - My boyfriend left for California to record an album, it was the start of my heaviest drinking, our real journey together that leads to my sobriety.
Jan 2010 - Woke up feeling weird, couldn't speak, found inoperable cyst on my temporal lobe, thus starts a new life journey....And a new found appreciation for life that one can only get when they face death.
Feb 2011 - My best friend dies of heart failure, he's a my dog Fred, I had him for almost 14 years. I hold him while he goes, thanking him. It breaks my heart and changes my purpose in life.
I guess now that I look at these things, they have all been hard, yes, as well they have all changed my life for the better. So I'll look at them with gratitude.
Oh 2012, I hope that you will be gentle on me this year, shouldn't turning 40 be a challenge enough on its own?
With all this I leave you for the night. I've completely torn my book project apart, renamed it, restructured it and am starting from scratch. It's better now, it's my truth, so I'm off to write.
Still living my dash and I hope you are too. I bid you adieu.
Shanon
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Live Your Dash
It was a mostly quiet Christmas Day for me filled with introspection.
Earlier today I attended several AA meetings in my neighborhood. They run every hour here in Park Slope on Christmas Day. It was something I needed, spiritual medicine. AA is my spiritual program.
My friend Jake was kind enough to pick me up and take me with him to the Coney Island Polar Bear swim. I did it for the first time last New Year's Day, this was my second swim, today was bit more official and much more quaint than the crowds on New Year's Day. The water was about 43 degrees, the air slightly warmer, not by much.
We met fellow swimmers at the Coney Island Aquarium, stripped down to our bathing suits and marched out to the beach. On the beach there were jumping jacks and a military sounding off chant. Then we all proceeded into the icy Atlantic.
Once in the ocean we formed a circle and held hands, growling like Polar Bears. It was great fun, invigorating and having Jake as my guide I was able to stay in the water much longer than last time even dunking down twice to my shoulders.
If any photos appear I'll post them, there was a news crew and a photographer that shot quite a bit of me. Maybe I don't looks so bad for a 39 1/2 year old Polar Bear Cub in training....
I wanted to share something that my friend Jake told me today. I promised to pass this on.
Warner Herzog was interviewing a man who worked as an executioner in a prison. The man had been responsible for the death of over a hundred people as part of his job. An execution he performed changed something in him, he could no longer do his job, it became his last execution. The man quit and walked away from the pension he had spent his life earning. He said he only wanted to "live his dash". Herzog asked what that meant, the man explained, "When we are dead, on the grave stone they write the date you were born, a dash and the date you died. The dash was everything that came in between," he only wanted to live his "dash".
Something in that story has spoken to me in the most simple way.
Today I went on my 2nd polar bear swim at Coney Island.
I'm living my dash, are you?
Shanon
All I Want For Xmas.....
I abhor the holidays.
They are usually no source of pleasure for me.
Each year I fake my way through November and December for all the world to see.
My family on my Dad's side doesn't take to the holidays, except for Thanksgiving, there is no fanfare anymore.
We are Jewish. That isn't an excuse. There is basically nothing, no calls, cards, gifts, nothing.
Several years ago I started volunteering on Christmas at the YMCA feeding the people that come there for a meal. That actually feels good. Except for the people who run the program who are less than friendly. The attendees of Christmas "Dinner" at the Y are usually grateful and you can have some very nice conversations and laughs with them.
There is also a Christmas "Alka-thon" at my AA home group in Park Slope. I will make my way over at some point for a meeting. Usually alcoholics dislike holidays, the people in the rooms have a hard time dealing with family, most of the time their family is drinking, they are sober, hence a day of uncomfortableness. Blow that steam off in an AA meeting, feel better. Simple presciption, try to keep it simple.
On my Mom's side there is no holiday either. We don't speak.
But with all that is not happening with my family and their lack of holiday spirit, I will have a nice day.
Bikram Yoga
Coney Island Polar Bear Club with my friend Jake
Dinner & a Movie with my friend Ariston after Coney Island
Hopefully I will make it to the Y for an hour or so, and an AA meeting as well.
My family holiday experience in general may have never been tops, but each year I try to have some fun. It may not be traditional with a tree and gifts, but then again I have never been a traditional sort of woman.
Thinking about a wish list of Christmas gifts I would want, here is what they would be:
They are usually no source of pleasure for me.
Each year I fake my way through November and December for all the world to see.
My family on my Dad's side doesn't take to the holidays, except for Thanksgiving, there is no fanfare anymore.
We are Jewish. That isn't an excuse. There is basically nothing, no calls, cards, gifts, nothing.
Several years ago I started volunteering on Christmas at the YMCA feeding the people that come there for a meal. That actually feels good. Except for the people who run the program who are less than friendly. The attendees of Christmas "Dinner" at the Y are usually grateful and you can have some very nice conversations and laughs with them.
There is also a Christmas "Alka-thon" at my AA home group in Park Slope. I will make my way over at some point for a meeting. Usually alcoholics dislike holidays, the people in the rooms have a hard time dealing with family, most of the time their family is drinking, they are sober, hence a day of uncomfortableness. Blow that steam off in an AA meeting, feel better. Simple presciption, try to keep it simple.
On my Mom's side there is no holiday either. We don't speak.
But with all that is not happening with my family and their lack of holiday spirit, I will have a nice day.
Bikram Yoga
Coney Island Polar Bear Club with my friend Jake
Dinner & a Movie with my friend Ariston after Coney Island
Hopefully I will make it to the Y for an hour or so, and an AA meeting as well.
My family holiday experience in general may have never been tops, but each year I try to have some fun. It may not be traditional with a tree and gifts, but then again I have never been a traditional sort of woman.
Thinking about a wish list of Christmas gifts I would want, here is what they would be:
- One day on the planet without humans & animals suffering
- My heart to stop hurting and for people to stop hurting it, it's an open wound that just doesn't heal, when it gets close it gets hurt again
- A Mother
- To be accepted into the Urban Zen program in 2012 and to receive a scholorship
- For Fred to come back for a few mins so I can give him a kiss, a hug and tell him I love him
- A really solid AA sponsor
The last few days have been a bit rough. I'm making it through a few minutes at a time. Trying very hard to cover up how much pain I am feeling inside with laughter, but I'm suffering. Luckily I have good friends, a terrific therapist and pain usually inspires great writing for me, I've been working on my book incessantly, it's becoming my truth, very raw and not the non-fiction piece I started on several years ago.
I can't wait for the holidays to be over, today I will baptize myself in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. Hopefully the start of a new holiday ritual for me, I like rituals, the idea of them, slowly beginning to create my own, that feels good.
Today is day 5 of a Bikram yoga spree. My body feels terrific, although I picked up a pack of cigarettes after being dumped by Andrew on a walk in Chinatown on Friday afternoon and that is a habit I need to toss ASAP (smoking & the man). I guess it's better than picking up a drink, I need to measure things this way. My goal is to keep going with daily yoga through the holidays, I enjoy the way my body feels, I'm growing stronger every day, the daily ritual of helping my body helps my mind as well.
I would like to think I'm growing stronger every day in all the things I'm working on in my life and Bikram is just a small reflection.
Whatever it is, I'm grateful for what I have throughout the year and grateful to make it through the holidays with most of my soul intact, even if my heart is bruised.
Merry Christmas
Shanon
Friday, December 23, 2011
Discarded
1dis·card
verb \dis-ˈkärd, ˈdis-ˌ\Definition of DISCARD
transitive verb
1
: to get rid of especially as useless or unwanted <a pile ofdiscarded tires>
2
a : to remove (a playing card) from one's handb : to play (any card except a trump) from a suit different from the one led
intransitive verb
: to discard a playing card
Synonyms: cashier, cast (off), chuck, deep-six, ditch,dump, eighty-six (or 86), exorcise (also exorcize), fling (off or away), jettison, junk, lay by, lose, pitch, reject,scrap, shed, shuck (off), slough (off) also sluff (off), throw away, throw out, toss, unload, dispose of, set aside
Discarded. Basically how I feel at the moment.
I appreciate the intransitive verb: to discard a playing card.
We just discard other people, pets, items. Or we are the discarded one.
Today I'm the discarded one, useless or unwanted are the words used to describe discard in the dictionary. It feels awful, I feel useless and unwanted. It's the perfect definition, thank you Webster.
Looking back over the situation I am trying to see my part, like a good AA.
Trying to understand this is not my will. See the big picture and what path I'm supposed to be on. I didn't even ask for the situation, it found me. Maybe that's the hardest part to understand.
It's only been 2 1/2 hours since I was thrown away, so things are blurry.
My first instinct was to kill the empty with a drink, my second to reach out to the few people that are always there for me. Oddly enough the one I discarded a year ago is always there. "you're safe" they said. thank you, for the moment I feel better.
As the sunsets over Brooklyn I know I'll feel all my feelings intensely. I don't have the luxury of drowning them anymore.
So I'll sit here in the quiet with Lulu and try my best to wake up tomorrow feeling a little less like used junk.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Do We Communicate With The Dead In Our Dreams?
I woke up in tears this morning.
The last week I had been going down memory lane, scanning old photos, putting them on my hard drive so that I could get rid of things I don't need anymore, such as boxes of photos.
This is the digital age, we can have all our memories on a jump drive.
The man I've been dating recently had spoken about doing just that and inspired me while I had some downtime last week.
In these photos I found everything. Friends, lovers, family, pets, you name it.
I didn't need all these picture anymore, and I began to scan the memories I wanted to keep.
A few photos of my departed friend Tom Mooney were in that pile. He was my boss and a friend. Tom hired and fired me, then hired me again. We remained friends even when I moved to NYC in 1997.
Tom was CRAZY, I mean totally nuts, but in a way that made you love him. Just when you think you had Tom figured out, something would happen to make you question everything you knew. He and the love of his life Ann got married at Bob Dylan's studio back in the '80s. When I saw the photo of the wedding, once again, I questioned this man, and what I had learned.
Last night I dreamed I traveled back in time, to 1997. Once I realized the year I wanted to call Tom, and I did.
Tom picked up the phone and we talked. He actually thought I was someone else, but we talked (he didn't have dementia or anything, dreams are weird right?)
I heard his crazy Boston accent, his guttural laugh, it felt really good. In that call I told him I loved him and to please tell our friends Mitch (Londo) and Jerry I loved and missed them too (Mitch and Jerry both died as well, but were alive in '97).
During the conversation I tried to warn him about his death, but the phone would just go mute. Maybe I could get him to eat better and work out? There was another plan and I wasn't to interfere.
Death is something I think about a lot. Perhaps because I had such a heavy experience with it earlier this year and it changed my life. As well I had my own near death experience in 2010.
This dream makes me wonder if we speak to our departed love ones in our dreams? Is this how they make us know they are watching over us? Is this how they comfort us?
Whatever our connection to the dead via dreams, I'm happy to have theses moments. It seemed so real and nice to tell my old friend that I missed him.
Shanon
me, Jerry, Tom and Andelman on tour in the mid 90's
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Good Times and Bum Times, I've Seen Them All, And My Dear...I'm Still Here
A bit of reflection on 2011 and where I'm at now.
What a year...Good Times and Bum Times, I've Seen Them All, And My Dear...I'm Still Here.
Four yoga teacher trainings, spiritual journeys that continue daily, saying goodbye to old friends and hello to new....
Staying sober through all.
Realizing what I want to do with my life and knowing that it will take a lot of faith...frightened and excited all at once.
Spending much of the year focused on myself, feeling my feelings more than ever, good and less than.
Holding my best friend in my arms while he took his last breaths last February and thanking him. In the moment the words thank you just repeated from my lips. I didn't understand it all then, now I know He taught me more in those final moments than I ever learned in my 38 years on earth. My gratitude is immense and my faith in something bigger than myself greater than ever. Thank you Fred.
Learning that yoga can be wonderful and then not so desirable, a side of jealousy, non support and ugliness. I choose to take the path that calls me and walk away from the ugliness. My love of this practice is not about making money or competition, it's about giving back to others what yoga has given to me.
Meditation has become a large part of my life. It changes you.
Knowing that my reason for being on this earth is bigger than trite problems. Giving back is why I'm here, to be there for others, be of service and support. Be a positive energy on earth.
Making new friends that are so wise they blow me away all the time. My friend Kim is one of those people, it's an honor to know her, she really is a sister to me. As well as my friend Marisol who I could have not made it through the first 1/2 of 2011 without. She's my guardian angel from The Valley. Soulmate.
Having a Father that is so supportive it floors me. Growing up I didn't have much parental guidance. Only through a lot of work on our relationship and of course age can I understand my Father and although I think he might believe I'm a wild card, he supports and loves me. What a blessing I have in this man.
And in a turn of faith that people do come into your life and change it, my dearest Kevin has returned to me. We've been through hell and back together, in our insanity we both helped each other get sober, then all hell really broke loose. It's a solid feeling of happiness that we are friends again, very different, honest to goodness friends. I wish him joy, love and to keep coming back, it works if you work it buddy.
2012 has endless possibilities...here is what I would like in 2012.
What a year...Good Times and Bum Times, I've Seen Them All, And My Dear...I'm Still Here.
Four yoga teacher trainings, spiritual journeys that continue daily, saying goodbye to old friends and hello to new....
Staying sober through all.
Realizing what I want to do with my life and knowing that it will take a lot of faith...frightened and excited all at once.
Spending much of the year focused on myself, feeling my feelings more than ever, good and less than.
Holding my best friend in my arms while he took his last breaths last February and thanking him. In the moment the words thank you just repeated from my lips. I didn't understand it all then, now I know He taught me more in those final moments than I ever learned in my 38 years on earth. My gratitude is immense and my faith in something bigger than myself greater than ever. Thank you Fred.
Learning that yoga can be wonderful and then not so desirable, a side of jealousy, non support and ugliness. I choose to take the path that calls me and walk away from the ugliness. My love of this practice is not about making money or competition, it's about giving back to others what yoga has given to me.
Meditation has become a large part of my life. It changes you.
Knowing that my reason for being on this earth is bigger than trite problems. Giving back is why I'm here, to be there for others, be of service and support. Be a positive energy on earth.
Making new friends that are so wise they blow me away all the time. My friend Kim is one of those people, it's an honor to know her, she really is a sister to me. As well as my friend Marisol who I could have not made it through the first 1/2 of 2011 without. She's my guardian angel from The Valley. Soulmate.
Having a Father that is so supportive it floors me. Growing up I didn't have much parental guidance. Only through a lot of work on our relationship and of course age can I understand my Father and although I think he might believe I'm a wild card, he supports and loves me. What a blessing I have in this man.
And in a turn of faith that people do come into your life and change it, my dearest Kevin has returned to me. We've been through hell and back together, in our insanity we both helped each other get sober, then all hell really broke loose. It's a solid feeling of happiness that we are friends again, very different, honest to goodness friends. I wish him joy, love and to keep coming back, it works if you work it buddy.
2012 has endless possibilities...here is what I would like in 2012.
- To be accepted into the Urban Zen program. To learn and serve.
- To study Thai Yoga Massage, hopefully something that I can use in my service to people in need.
- To fall in love and have someone love me for the person I really am inside.
- To be a good daughter, friend, sister and dog mother (to Lulu).
- To continue to work for animal rights and make a difference.
- To work with the still sick and suffering through AA
- Continue to write my two book projects and finish them in 2012
I never make New Years Resolutions because I could never keep them.
So I'll just focus on my goals for 2012, have faith that I continue to be on the right path and that I am taken care of spiritually.
Oh speaking wrapping up the year. If you haven't heard Kev & my Xmas song this year (a tradition we started a few years back then stopped cos we weren't speaking) here it is, enjoy.
White Xmas/Happy Xmas - A Ferrous Flight
Oh speaking wrapping up the year. If you haven't heard Kev & my Xmas song this year (a tradition we started a few years back then stopped cos we weren't speaking) here it is, enjoy.
White Xmas/Happy Xmas - A Ferrous Flight
Happy Holidays
Shanon
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