Divine Inspiration

This past weekend I attended Lollapalooza in Chicago.  For years I've been going to Lolla for work as a music business artist relations person and for the past two years as an "artist" teaching yoga to kids in the festivals mini-fest Kidzapalooza.

Being 3+ years sober and attending any giant event can be a challenge, even when you don't expect it will be, things surface.

One thing I have learned is that I'm always being looked after by my higher power, sometimes it's easy to forget but this past weekend was a constant reminder of why my sobriety is so important and I have to work to keep it.

I can't kid myself, being around constant partying can be attractive and repulsive at the same time.  Yes, it looks fun, then I begin to think it through.  Honestly I don't want to be a 40 year old party girl.  For me it's uncouth and unattractive.   For me watching people consume drink after drink, weed, hard drugs, is gross.  Being in high humidity with the sun pouring down on you all day is bad enough without having to sweat out booze and drugs.  Not into it.

Now if it's your thing, that's fine.  I respect your choices as I hope you respect mine.

I consider myself blessed, my higher power showed me so many signs that encouraged my sobriety path.  My Lolla "date" showed me a side of him that I didn't expect, 42 year old party dude, destroy yourself, not attractive and not someone I want to continue a relationship with, that ended upon the arrival home.  I saw a former AA drinking, the few moments of shame trying to hide their drink from me, it's not my place to judge, this is hard stuff, being sober, I respect your choices and thank you for the reminder that I don't have to pick up. My final sign, a new sober confiding their problem and day count to me.  We connected on the challenge of festival life and wanting to use, thank god for new comers!  They keep it so green, I need to stay green man.   

My only regret with the man is that I didn't handle the situation with the grace I would have liked to, there is never a real excuse, I just didn't act the way I wanted, I take responsibility for my actions and did sincerely apologize.

The past few months of my life have been some of the hardest challenges I've had to face in years.  My AA program is pretty much non-existant at the moment and I really don't have anyone to connect with and have a serious feeling your feelings conversation here in Detroit.  Therapy is very difficult from 500 miles away on a phone as well.  Each day I've felt mostly regret and defeat.

With this trip and these experiences I return to Detroit with a new energy.  Focus on getting my program together, my yoga, my diet.  Things that are important to me, I need to work to keep them.  Hopefully I'll find a new apartment soon and make some friends.

Tonight I was watching a tv show Hart Of Dixie, the protagonist said, "I'm not NY and I'm not here, right now I'm not sure where I am, but it will figure itself out"  That's how I feel too.

Namaste.

Screaming In Silence

I moved to Detroit at the end of April after 15 years in NYC and years of my life prior in Los Angeles.


It's been pretty rough emotionally and I have to continuously remind myself that I only have today, the past is done and the future will happen next.  It can be a roller coaster of emotions.


Basically I'm alone, which is the most difficult thing.  I've met a few people and several of them have been friendly.  Still it's hard, not having anyone to speak to about how I'm feeling, my thoughts, plans, etc.


Somedays it feels as if most of my friends seem to have forgotten about me unless they have a problem they need help with, it is rare that someone picks up a phone to see how I'm doing.  That's a hard reality for me, feeling left behind.


Today I'm feeling very alone, it's not bad, I'm enjoying the quiet, although it would be nice to have a friend to get out on the town.


Going to make myself get out a little and try to enjoy this beautiful day.


I did knit a pretty amazing hat yesterday, so I try to remember quiet time isn't bad, it can be productive.


Gratitude List:


-Most days I feel pretty good physically
-I have had an incredible life filled with tons of experience, support and love
-That I am who I am and not someone else, being me isn't a bad thing
-Convertible cars
-Sunshine
-Woodlands
-Washer & Dryers in your house
-Lulu
-Fresh squeezed juice
-That I still believe in the possibility of love
-My higher power


I think I just needed to write a bit.  Clear my head.  Take a breath.  Life can be overwhelming sometimes, as someone who has lived most of her life on overdrive, sitting a day out can be a challenge.  But I know that I'll be ok and in a few hours this will pass too.

Holy Fuck I've Been Sober For 3 Years

Unbelievable but true, tomorrow June 20, 2012, I will celebrate 3 years of continuous sobriety.

It's a serious fucking miracle.

Looking back at these last three years I'm dumbfound.

Recently I read a blog post that asked, "What advice do you have for the new comer [for you non AA's, that is someone who's new to the program)?"  Honestly I would have to see where they were at to suggest anything, not every AA idiom is for everyone.

How did I do it?

At first it was 15 minutes at a time.  I came in to AA heartbroken, suicidal and in serious pain.  I remember hearing someone with 43 days sober and thinking that might be the most difficult thing to accomplish ever.  Then I heard someone with 6 months which sounded impossible.

But I did it.  I found a wonderful sponsor Ms. Alison and cracked my Big Book with her.  I tried to shoot for 90 meetings in 90 days, and I think I almost got it.

I glued myself to my sober angel Steph for support, she found me crying outside of my Brooklyn Homegroup, I knew we would be friends because she had a Wilco necklace on and although I am not a Wilco fan, most of my dearest friends tend to be.

By the time day 91 rolled around I felt great.  Slowly a lot of friends crawled into AA behind me (I've always been a trend setter) and we were able to help each other.

After 1 1/2 years I believe I finally started to understand the work I was doing in AA, I felt a different kind of change happening, it wasn't physical.

The last year has been a bit more challenging, not necessarily the abstinence of drinking, but the connecting to the program.  I currently don't have a sponsor or a homegroup.  But my higher power has been sending me things I need until the sponsor and homegroup appear.

Six months ago I met Amir & Josh, my Sober Brothers from LA.  The guys and I met on Twitter, they invited me to be a guest on their weekly radio show.  I love them so much, talking at midnight on Sundays for 1 1/2 hours with them keeps me sober and has helped me see many situations so clearly.  I am truly blessed they adopted me.

My best friend Kevin has become my AA touchtone, which in itself is a damn miracle because most of you know that backstory.  He helps me to breathe and reminds me everything is going to be ok.  Thanks K-dog.  I love you.

In the past 3 years I've gone through the loss of my career, sickness and heartbreak.  But I've also gotten peace of mind, amazing friends, understanding, compassion and the ability to love unconditionally.  Things that you cannot put a price tag on.

So I'm sending a shout out to all of those who helped keep me sober and my high power who's love is never ending.

I wish you all love, light, peace and happiness.

Shanon

It's Not Easy Being King....

It's been months since I've written here in the ye ol' blog.  Sorry folks, I promise to catch you up on my adventures sometime soon, they've been challenging and wonderful.

Tonight I'm reflecting on the death of Rodney King, which I heard about on a tv while having dinner with my family earlier.

Someone at our table began to spew horrible things about Mr King, such as, "he should have died years ago," and more. 

I voiced my opinion, "no one should be treated the way he was by the LAPD, no one"

What the LAPD did to Mr King was inhumane, I saw a lot about that continued behavior by the NYPD when I moved to New York in 1997.

What took place in LA as a result of the verdict in the LAPD officers trial was bound to happen eventually. 

I remember the fear of hearing the not guilty verdict come in on the news,  screaming and crying while watching Mr Denny as he was beaten and dragged from his truck on live tv. I witnessed a person shot on the corner of Highland & Sunset as I was driving home from work and watched looting happen only blocks away from my home. 


The police were wrong, the men that attacked Mr Denny were wrong. 

As a result of the verdict and the LA riot people began to rise up and voice their opinions of police brutality.  Laws changed, racial profiling changed.

No nothing is perfect.  Nothing will ever be perfect, but the awareness was important.  

We need to remember what happened. 

Sadly Mr King never could handle his personal demons.  The symbol he become was constantly tarnished over the years by his addictions.

I hope he finds peace where ever he is off to now.

I pray for a future where riots, beatings and bullying are no longer daily issues.

Rest in peace Rodney King.

Rodney King

Reginald Denny

Finding Inspiration...Coffee, Yoga and Music

Recently I find it a giant challenge to get myself to yoga. 


This morning I found my way to Southside Coffee (you can follow them on Twitter), sitting here at a sunny table drinking some bold brew (of coffee) listening to old Preservation Hall Jazz Band recordings on Spotify. 


Still can't make it to yoga.  


Slowly parents with their kids stream into the shop.  


No yoga.


I'll head out to Greenwood's Feelings AA meeting at 11am.  It's the meeting I got sober at on June 20, 2009.  Today I have 994 days of sobriety.  


Today seems like a good day to sit in the sun in a coffee shop and write.  So that's what I am doing instead of going to yoga.


Maybe by writing about yoga I'll be inspired to make a class today at 3 or 5pm.  Perhaps.


Here are my favorite yoga studios, teachers and other things....


Jade Yoga Mats
No slip, I slip a lot. They can be a bit heavy, there is a lighter version, buy that especially if you are walking around NYC with it like I usually am. 


Bikram Yoga Lower East Side 
I love this studio, best Bikram studio ever.  Great vibe, pretty hot pink walls, Tricia the owner gives back to the community.  She keeps it real.  If every studio was like LES the Bikram world would stop getting such a bad rap. 


Eoin Finn Blissology 
Every day I thank my higher power for Eoin Finn.  When I came across him I was feeling unchallenged in my practice.  Eoin changed that immediately with his high energy, super stamina class.  He also has IT. Eoin is a visionary, a yogi, an environmentalist, a surfer,  he is changing the world with his Blissology creation.  


Sam Chase Yoga
Oh Sam, everyone loves Sam.  You can't help but fall madly in love with his brilliant direction, perfect alignment and his ability to make you laugh while holding the most difficult pose.  You must seek out Sam, but when you do the journey is well worth it. 


Moksha Yoga NYC
The new kid on the block.  Started by my long time summer camp friend & once roommate Shauna R's little sisters Jessica & Deena in Canada.  They created their own 40 posture series and a flow version.  The studio has a beautiful openness about it, Becca & Sarah are both musicians and their creative energy draws in creative energy. (plus they have yin class, you must try yin)


Karma Kids Yoga
Shari, Kelly & Jen.  If I had to sum up these three women and their studio in two words...Inspirational Energy.  I feel blessed to have completed two yoga certifications at KKY.  Shari is out of this world one of the best humans on earth.  If you have kids seek KKY and try a community class. 


Urban Zen
Since the moment I heard about the UZIT program I've been dying to go.  Check out Urban Zen, they are doing great work, I hope to attend their Aug-Oct program at Omega.


Well writing about yoga has put me in the mood to practice, and in the AA tradition of getting what you need my friend Steph just sent me a text and asked to do class with me.  


Thanks higher power for looking out for me and knowing what I need to move out of this funk. 

The Swell Season

These last few weeks I’ve had a lot weighing heavy on me.

Over the course of several years, thanks to sobriety and being diagnosed with a brain cyst my life has taken some giants turns.  They haven’t been bad, difficult at times, yes, they’ve helped me grow and become the person I am today, someone I like, with interests very different then in the past, less selfish, more spiritual, calmer, eager to learn and share with others.

After several years of growing, I’ve reached a turning point in my life.  Fear is holding me in place; my spirituality is concentrating on my higher power to help point me in the right direction.  I feel as if over the past few weeks my heart is leading me to my final decision.

Since May of 2010 I have had the pleasure of not working a 9-5 job.  It’s been an adventure that allowed me to explore sobriety, growing and what I want out of life.  For many years I had no idea what I wanted, I basically worked because the jobs came, I needed to keep a roof over my head, at times to provide one over others and I wanted nice things. 

The past 20 months my life has changed immensely, especially after finishing my 200 hour yoga training, my spirituality grew deeper through studying, I want to give back to people through yoga but also study more about religion, spirituality and the threads that connect so many in this world.   Through the death of my beloved dog Fred I truly learned about death, struggled with my higher power and came to understand for myself that being on this planet is not about having tangible goods it’s being there for others.

At this moment I have collected goals for my life:

·      Study with the Urban Zen Intensive Training

·      Return to college to study comparative religion

·      Join the Peace Corps

·      Be there for my family

·      Finish writing my book by Dec 31, 2012

·      Begin to utilize the education I am going receive to move into my future life

All of these goals are doable.  I’ve never had goals before; this is also frightening, as a good portion of them need financial backing which I currently can’t provide for myself currently.

I don’t discuss my finances with anyone.  Truth be told I spent years doing damage, spending beyond my means, being irresponsible and it’s caught up with me.  Each month I struggle to pay my debts and living expenses, it’s my own private terror.  In the past few months I’ve had to cancel my heath care because I just can’t afford it.  In doing so I hear this from those I choose to discuss this with, “OMG, you have to have health insurance, you have a cyst on your brain,” thank you for pointing that out.  I am aware every moment of the day that I live with something that can explode in my head, possibly killing me, paralyzing me or leaving me unable to speak, think, or remember.  I am full aware I need health insurance; the problem is I honestly can’t afford it and even with the small amount of work I take in now to cover the bills I make too much money to qualify for assistance. 

Honestly I don’t want to go back working full time doing something that I will be miserable doing just for a paycheck and health insurance.  That is not living to me now.  It would be the easy thing to do, but I’ve found my goals and I want to achieve them.

In order to achieve my goals I need to change my life drastically and lucky for me I have an option.  At the moment I’m 98% convinced that moving to Michigan to live with my family (yes at almost 40 years old) is my best option.  My father has been urging me to do so for a while, he needs help with the family business and none of my other siblings are interested.  Not that the family business is of huge interest for me but being able to be there for my cancer surviving 66 year old father who really works hard, won’t retire and loves golf would be a big honor.  As well recently, which is the clincher, my 95-year-old Grandmother (Dad’s mom) moved about a mile away from my Dad in an assisted living facility.  For many years I’ve wished that I could spend more time with both of these people.  My Dad is my Grandmother’s primary care giver and with his full time work it seems that he could use the extra set of hands.  Moving to live with him would allow me to be of service to two people that are very important to me, I was taken away from them as a child and never got to spend the time I would have liked, this is my time and I don’t want to regret not doing it.  This also allows me to work for my father, pay off my debt and begin to attend school.  I could also continue teaching yoga & volunteering in the community, plus I’ve discovered the Urban Zen program has an intensive at Omega from the end of August until the end of October, which would give me my certification in integrated health care.

It’s a lot to take in.  As I said I’m 98% ready to make this step.  It’s a giant change, for the first time in my life I feel as if I’m working toward my future and not just paying for my past. 

As much as I love New York I feel as if there is nothing here for me anymore, it doesn’t feel like the future I want.  Speaking to a friend last night she said, “you can always come back to New York,” it’s true, but I’m slow detaching from my life here and feel as if my adventure is in front of me, it’s just in another location. 

The Still Sick & Suffering

At the end of many AA meetings the group will stand, hold hands and recite together the Serenity Prayer.  Often times the person leading the prayer will say, “let’s take a moment for silence for the still sick and suffering”

Today, that phrase, “the still sick and suffering” is on my mind.  In AA it refers to the people that continue to struggle with their addiction of alcohol.   For me, today, actually many days those words bring to mind the still sick and suffering person in my life, my mother.

My mom always drank, she loves to drink, my whole life I watched her drink and didn’t really notice that it might be a problem.  To be honest I was too busy concentrating on my own drinking, enjoying it and living life as a young “functioning” alcoholic.

In 1997 when I moved to NYC I began to notice for the first time how much my mother drank on a daily basis.  Slowly over the years I saw the consequences of her drinking, fighting with boyfriends, car accidents, arrests (kept from me, but told to friends that eventually brought them to my attention). 

I lived 3000 miles away and was trying hard to build my life in NYC, getting married in 2000, separated/divorced in 2007 eventually my current life of as a sober woman as of 2009.

Once I got sober I began to understand the nuances of alcohol addiction.  Watching myself grow into sobriety, I also watch my mother’s struggle with the disease.

The last time I saw my mother was in December 2009, I was almost 6 months sober.  She had moved to Maui, Hawaii a year prior, the trip was hard for me, watching my mother hide her drinking, her neighbor who was also sober took me to meetings while I was visiting, he also informed me that my mother was on her best behavior while I was in town.

For the past few years I have had glimpses of my mothers pain and alcoholism from 6000+ miles away, not being able to hold on to a job, blaming everyone except herself for her problems, depression, deep denial, it’s incredibly painful to watch her self sabotage. Which is why I can’t bring myself to visit again, although I am often racked with guilt about it.

The worst fact about it all is that less than 50 yards from her front door is a wonderful AA meeting on the beach at sunset everyday.  The sober people I met on Maui are like most AA members I meet traveling, warm, loving, understanding and full of gratitude.  If she only took those steps her life at 60 years old would change in the most incredible way.

I take solace in understanding that I can’t make her get help, it’s something she needs to do herself, so I pray and take these moments of silence for her suffering and sickness.   I'll continue to pray by the grace of her higher power she’ll find her way onto the beach.