Begin To Hope

Begin To Hope is one of my favorite albums. It's also a phrase that I have had on my mind a lot since I last wrote a week ago.

First I thank all of you who reached out, wrote me amazing letters of support and especially to the people who continuously checked in with me to see how I was doing. 

Last weekend was one of the darkest moments I have had in my life since getting sober, a combination of months of bad weather, death of a loved one and heart break seemed to create the perfect storm which led me to serious contemplate if life was worth living anymore. 

Luckily I have tools, my ability to write, ask for help, things I learned in sobriety. Knowing something was very wrong and what was happening was not who I am at my core, I asked for the help, wrote and tried to see what was going on instead of giving up. 

A few years ago a person I know killed herself shortly after getting sober, the consequences were great, it rattled through so many people and changed so many lives, I thought a lot about that, how would my death change others.

I know suicide is a selfish act.  I also know that on many occasions I after hearing about other people committing suicide I have said, "what darkness must they have been in to think that was the only way out." 

Having the tools I've learned in getting sober, and therapy saved me last weekend. Some get it, some don't that's ok.

I am happy to report I asked for help and not only did an out pouring of it come from friends, I walked into a doctors office who practices with an integrative holistic psychologist and they immediately put me on medication.  Normally I stay away from pharmaceutical drugs, but I know now I need something more than what I'm doing. 

For months I haven't eaten, I started smoking again, my sleep has been non existent and it manifested itself in to a beast.  Oddly enough I have been practicing yoga and meditation, thank god. 

The doctors say the meds should start taking effect in 7 days, today is day three and I will return to the doctor in four days to check in. 

I am not embarrassed by any of this, asking for help, practicing some self care is nothing to be ashamed of, my behavior the way I've treated myself these past months is nothing I am proud of but I am trying, I am trying to get well.

My doctor explained that I am grieving on many levels for many things that have taken place. It's normal.  He also made me promise to stay with the planet until I see him next, no self harm.  I promised that to him.

Trying to eat but nothing has taste, today I will eat something, as they are also concerned about the quick weight drop in this short period of time, personally I'm not, who doesn't need to lost 15 pounds!? Although I do physically feel pretty bad. 

Today I'll do my best to enjoy a bit of the warm weather, practice some self care and get ready for what lies ahead in the week.  I know my issues are having negative effects on many people and I am trying so hard so keep them inside, I just cracked recently, I couldn't take the pain, it pushed it's way out, but I think that is ok too.  It's got to move out to let the healing take place. 

Thanks again for the support.  I'll check in from San Fran next week, I'm really looking forward to spending time with my best friend and getting out of Detroit for a while.