Begin To Hope

Begin To Hope is one of my favorite albums. It's also a phrase that I have had on my mind a lot since I last wrote a week ago.

First I thank all of you who reached out, wrote me amazing letters of support and especially to the people who continuously checked in with me to see how I was doing. 

Last weekend was one of the darkest moments I have had in my life since getting sober, a combination of months of bad weather, death of a loved one and heart break seemed to create the perfect storm which led me to serious contemplate if life was worth living anymore. 

Luckily I have tools, my ability to write, ask for help, things I learned in sobriety. Knowing something was very wrong and what was happening was not who I am at my core, I asked for the help, wrote and tried to see what was going on instead of giving up. 

A few years ago a person I know killed herself shortly after getting sober, the consequences were great, it rattled through so many people and changed so many lives, I thought a lot about that, how would my death change others.

I know suicide is a selfish act.  I also know that on many occasions I after hearing about other people committing suicide I have said, "what darkness must they have been in to think that was the only way out." 

Having the tools I've learned in getting sober, and therapy saved me last weekend. Some get it, some don't that's ok.

I am happy to report I asked for help and not only did an out pouring of it come from friends, I walked into a doctors office who practices with an integrative holistic psychologist and they immediately put me on medication.  Normally I stay away from pharmaceutical drugs, but I know now I need something more than what I'm doing. 

For months I haven't eaten, I started smoking again, my sleep has been non existent and it manifested itself in to a beast.  Oddly enough I have been practicing yoga and meditation, thank god. 

The doctors say the meds should start taking effect in 7 days, today is day three and I will return to the doctor in four days to check in. 

I am not embarrassed by any of this, asking for help, practicing some self care is nothing to be ashamed of, my behavior the way I've treated myself these past months is nothing I am proud of but I am trying, I am trying to get well.

My doctor explained that I am grieving on many levels for many things that have taken place. It's normal.  He also made me promise to stay with the planet until I see him next, no self harm.  I promised that to him.

Trying to eat but nothing has taste, today I will eat something, as they are also concerned about the quick weight drop in this short period of time, personally I'm not, who doesn't need to lost 15 pounds!? Although I do physically feel pretty bad. 

Today I'll do my best to enjoy a bit of the warm weather, practice some self care and get ready for what lies ahead in the week.  I know my issues are having negative effects on many people and I am trying so hard so keep them inside, I just cracked recently, I couldn't take the pain, it pushed it's way out, but I think that is ok too.  It's got to move out to let the healing take place. 

Thanks again for the support.  I'll check in from San Fran next week, I'm really looking forward to spending time with my best friend and getting out of Detroit for a while. 

When You Know There Is Something Better

Something incredible happens when you get sober. 

First off, if you have the miracle happen, the little door/window cracks open and the message gets through you're one of the lucky ones.

Once you detox your poor body, freak out a bunch, ride the pink cloud, freak out again and have a little time under your hat you find out a secret only sober people know, nothing is that bad and eventually you'll feel better.

When your life is so bad you want to die every day and you pray for that to happen, you aren't living.  That happened to me at the end of my drinking.  It happened fast, my bottom, for that I am grateful, I never had a struggle with trying to stop, I just woke up one morning and walked to an AA meeting.  That is of course after standing on the edge of a subway platform thinking about throwing myself and my two dogs I was carrying in front of the on coming train.  I didn't, I made it to that Saturday morning meeting at Greenwood after getting Fred and Lulu safely home.

That day I heard my pain told by other people, people I would have never spoken to before for no other reason but I had no reason to speak to them.  I cried, they told me I would be ok, that day my life began to change. 

The thing I continue to remind myself is no matter what happens I know everything will be ok.  I'm not standing on the edge of a subway platform trying to kill myself and innocent animals, I'm not trying to drink myself to death nightly in my house, I get up and take each day as it comes. 

I've had the privilege of watching so many people I care about get sober, also struggle, fail, get sober again and stay sober.  It's a beautiful thing to see their lives flourish. 

For years I've had to sit and watch someone who I care very much about struggle, I've been to ALANON meetings, and it helped, I had to detach with love, and recently I had to speak with them again.  It is so heartbreaking to see someone not know that if they just walked through that door a whole world would open up, filled with inspiring people who will be there for you, hold you while you struggle and love you unconditionally until you can learn to love yourself.  

It is so sad, this persons entire life is ruled by fear. 

The other day an old friend came to town and we discussed another person, a mutual friend who I've been saving a seat for in the rooms, my friend who doesn't have a problem straight up said, "they are just going to die, i think that is their bottom."  Awful. But I do think they had a strong point. 

Today speaking with old friends who have been taking care of my long time struggling person sadly echo'd a similar sentiment about them, "they are hopeless"

These are all words of non program people, all non addicts or alcoholics.  No one is hopeless and no one has to die.  I only know this because it happened to me.  We can't physically help them or put ourselves in harms way to do so.  These people only need our prayers and hopefully they hear when that window of opportunity cracks open to let them know it is time to get help.