Begin To Hope

Begin To Hope is one of my favorite albums. It's also a phrase that I have had on my mind a lot since I last wrote a week ago.

First I thank all of you who reached out, wrote me amazing letters of support and especially to the people who continuously checked in with me to see how I was doing. 

Last weekend was one of the darkest moments I have had in my life since getting sober, a combination of months of bad weather, death of a loved one and heart break seemed to create the perfect storm which led me to serious contemplate if life was worth living anymore. 

Luckily I have tools, my ability to write, ask for help, things I learned in sobriety. Knowing something was very wrong and what was happening was not who I am at my core, I asked for the help, wrote and tried to see what was going on instead of giving up. 

A few years ago a person I know killed herself shortly after getting sober, the consequences were great, it rattled through so many people and changed so many lives, I thought a lot about that, how would my death change others.

I know suicide is a selfish act.  I also know that on many occasions I after hearing about other people committing suicide I have said, "what darkness must they have been in to think that was the only way out." 

Having the tools I've learned in getting sober, and therapy saved me last weekend. Some get it, some don't that's ok.

I am happy to report I asked for help and not only did an out pouring of it come from friends, I walked into a doctors office who practices with an integrative holistic psychologist and they immediately put me on medication.  Normally I stay away from pharmaceutical drugs, but I know now I need something more than what I'm doing. 

For months I haven't eaten, I started smoking again, my sleep has been non existent and it manifested itself in to a beast.  Oddly enough I have been practicing yoga and meditation, thank god. 

The doctors say the meds should start taking effect in 7 days, today is day three and I will return to the doctor in four days to check in. 

I am not embarrassed by any of this, asking for help, practicing some self care is nothing to be ashamed of, my behavior the way I've treated myself these past months is nothing I am proud of but I am trying, I am trying to get well.

My doctor explained that I am grieving on many levels for many things that have taken place. It's normal.  He also made me promise to stay with the planet until I see him next, no self harm.  I promised that to him.

Trying to eat but nothing has taste, today I will eat something, as they are also concerned about the quick weight drop in this short period of time, personally I'm not, who doesn't need to lost 15 pounds!? Although I do physically feel pretty bad. 

Today I'll do my best to enjoy a bit of the warm weather, practice some self care and get ready for what lies ahead in the week.  I know my issues are having negative effects on many people and I am trying so hard so keep them inside, I just cracked recently, I couldn't take the pain, it pushed it's way out, but I think that is ok too.  It's got to move out to let the healing take place. 

Thanks again for the support.  I'll check in from San Fran next week, I'm really looking forward to spending time with my best friend and getting out of Detroit for a while. 

Beautiful Life

I am blessed.  

Tonight during a wonderful slow flow/yin class with Nick Presser (take class with him at Yoga Shelter Midtown) I started smiling and became filled with the full appreciation of life. My life.

Like any human I have hard days, challenges and wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  But I wake up, every day, I'm living my dash.

A few years ago my dear friend Jake told me the story of Living Your Dash and I was so inspired I wrote a blog entry on it, still one of the most favorite things I've ever written.

LIVE YOUR DASH BLOG

Lately I'm living my dash more than ever, making incredible friends in my new city of Detroit, hanging out with my 97 year old Grandmother, working with my Father, falling in love with biking & hula hooping, picking organic fruits and veggies on my friends' farm, walking down by the river, swimming at Belle Isle, traveling, practicing yoga and meditation.

Tonight I felt strong in yoga class, my body felt strong, I took deep breaths and smiled, laughed.  Life is an incredible gift.  Appreciate it, respect it, live your dash....

A List & Some Pics For Your Enjoyment

Haven't posted in a bit.  Been busy, here are some photos and a short list of things that are making me happy until I write again....


LIST
-Lulu the lovely chihuahua
-Being home and chilling out
-Poetry by Rumi
-Weather starting to feel like fall
-Hanging out with my 95 year old Grandmother, what a gift
-My Dad
-Knowing that everything will be ok
-Feeling good and tired
-Seeing the ballet with a friend on a Sunday afternoon
-Hen O' The Woods mushrooms
-Snuggling, tangled legs and having someone's light snore put you to sleep 
-My sister Devon
-Helping my friends Jimmy & Chrissy with their wedding next weekend 
-Feeling calm most of the time
-Meditation and coffee in the morning
-Knowing that tomorrow I've got yoga to look forward to

My friend sent this pic to his girlfriend, I thought it was funny

Good news! Coffee Bean is open in NYC 39th & Broadway

I suggest a soy chai latte or vanilla iced blended

This is the house I lived in until my parents separated, drove by it the other day with my Dad & Grandmother

Here! Here!

Sounds like hard work, but rewarding

Lulu always looking sweet

The tent we built for fashion week runway show

The show made the cover of Women's Wear Daily the next morning! Here it is, good feeling

Control Freak On A Water Slide

I'm such a freak-show sometimes.


I'll be in a situation where something/someone new comes into my life and I immediately start coming up with 1000 reasons why I need to walk away and this situation can work.


Stop.  Breathe.  Seriously Shanon (I'm talking to myself out loud here), this is all fear being brought to the surface because in the past you've had experiences that didn't go the way you wanted them to and you are a control freak.  


I've learned from all of those experiences, there is no regret. 


Lessons here: 


-Have faith that these new situations will be different, turn it over!!  I can't control everything.


-Stop judging things based on the past, not everything is a repeat of the past


Right now is a huge transitional phase of my life.  Walking away from the creature comforts and life styles I have grown complacent and accustom to for the past 20 years.  


Trying something brand new without any idea of where this is all headed.  There are moments that I feel so overwhelmed my head feels like it's going to explode (btw this isn't a possibility even with my head :) ).


In the midst of so much transition and an overwhelming schedule, I have to remember that all of these things are a gift of me being a present sober woman.  I know that no matter what I'll be taken care of, somewhere, somehow, if I have faith.


I just need to remind myself that new things are ok.  New people are ok.  


Breathe in and out. 


Smile.  


It's going to work out the way it's supposed.  


I think I'll go meditate now :)


Shanon

Inspired

My yoga teacher training is inspiring.  I've written this before, but something clicked this week in a different way.  For a few weeks I was having doubt about being able to do this, to finish, to have the ability to teach, I was losing my faith in myself and my love for yoga.

Living in a bit of fear.  I don't like fear and since sobriety work very hard to overcome it daily.

Something has changed.  I feel renewed and full of faith.  This week I'm dedicating my time to practicing yoga and studying. 

It also helps that I've made a friend in this training who really shares my feelings on the world, faith, love, yoga and life.  I feel incredibly blessed.

For the first time in my life I feel unconditional love from my new friends, especially Marisol and Sam.  They just support because they believe in me and I do the same because I am inspired and believe in them.  It's pretty wild.  There isn't any ego with Marisol and Sam, just a lot of unsolicited, unconditional love.  And it's like that with almost everyone in our class.  I've bonded with these two women.

Over the weekend I adjusted yoga students in the Hot Vinyassa Room at Yoga To The People on 38th Street.  The teacher was a man named Will.  He was....AWESOME.  Really energetic and for me to watch him work, speak and give his energy to this class was a incredible.  He does a lot of adjustments, very hands on with the students and really took a good amount of time to work with me, showing me new adjustments, pressures, etc.  Thank you Will, where ever you are, maybe our paths will cross again one day.  I hope to take your class!

Marisol came to the Hot Vinyassa class, she's been to several of my adjustment classes and has been my guinea pig.  Very kind of her!  I think it will be another week before I feel comfortable and reach to tandem teach in a room.  I enjoyed the Hot Vinyassa room so I'm hoping that is were I can do my tandem. 

Last night Marisol and I went to see Sri Sri Ravi Shankar at Lincoln Center.  He led a 2700 person meditation.   It was beautiful, relaxing and the best meditation I've ever had.   Mr Shankar is a beautiful soul, basically his message was we do everything for love and if you meditate everyday you'll be happy.  Pretty simple. 

So happy Monday to you.  I'm going to meditate now and take lulu for a walk. See you soon.

Shanon