My friend Kevin wrote a great song a few years back called "The Stranger" not to be confused with the Billy Joel tune of the same name.
"Sometimes I feel like a stranger, in my polythene skin, you can't always get just what you always believe in"
At the time he was going through some pretty heavy shit, we weren't speaking when he wrote this song, we had dated, then broken up, when he gave me the song, I felt I finally understood, well, him.
It takes a lot to understand who someone is, for years I thought I knew people, I trusted, loved, cared for them and I like to believe they were doing the same for me. At the time I think those things were true.
Time passes....
You see them again. The people you thought you understood or knew so well are strangers, they may be feeling the same way about you too. You can't know what someone is thinking. It's a strange process that for me I've only come to see as I age, these are the things people talk about when they say, "youth is wasted on the young" or "with age comes wisdom"
I actually had this experience with two old lovers this summer. At moments I saw what I initially drew me to them, then in the blink of an eye they were strangers again.
When we are in our 20s, man, we think we know EVERYTHING. At least I thought I did, I knew everything, it wasn't until I was about 34 I started to even begin to be comfortable with myself and at the ripe ol' age of 37 I got honest and started knowing myself. I'm a work in progress, I don't claim to know everything anymore, I do know some stuff, my experiences have given me that wisdom, other things I discover on a daily basis with the help of people I encounter in my life.
Last night Moby sent me a link to an article titled, Why You're Not Married.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html
Something I love about Mo is that he has and is always willing listen to all my crying & whining about men for years. But he also admits opening to things he just doesn't know about, he sent this link with the note, "thoughts?, I'm not a lady, so i have no opinion." Actually when I first tried to read it on the train home last night I was cranky and was going to write a snarky comment, then I read it. It makes a good point. Once again, women and men, we just don't think the same way.
I bring this up because it's another moment in my life in which I thought, "blah, f this b for writing this piece, blah blah," then I read it and thought wow I just learned something about myself. Yeah, I am a bitch, not all the time, not one of my top qualities, then applied it to someone I dated recently and looked at a budding situation I am in now. Is it possible that what I took as being rigorously honest with someone, they took as me being a bitch? Yes. Something I need to make myself more aware of in all situations, not just romantic ones.
Truth be told, I am not interested in getting married again. Not that I am closed to the idea, it's just not something I am actively seeking.
Another good point the writer makes is "you're shallow" which is something I joke about to friends, yes we all want the pretty things in life. Ms McMillan says something to the effect of looking for a man with character but really we are looking for the tall, handsome guy, so we often pass up the potential. Guilty. If you've seen my dating pool you would agree. Hey I'm trying!!!
There are some other really good points with subject headlines such as "You Are A Slut, You're A Liar" etc., I enourage you to check it out. Some good science background in chemical reactions to sex, causing us to feel certain ways about people, and so on.
So what the hell am I trying to say here? Most of the time I don't know, I just write.
Lately I do feel like a stranger to myself because so much of who I am becoming is new, new from sobriety, new from understanding my life experience, new for going out taking chances and trying new things. It can be confusing, very overwhelming and frightening at times, don't forget lonely no matter how much support I have, being a stranger is uncomfortable. That's ok, I have to keep reminding myself that it's ok, I'm not in a race, or competition, only a quest to continue to grow, be happy and hopefully give something back to others.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Being of Service...Remember Dr. King
Last night my friend Kim and I discussed being of service.
There are many ways to give back and help others...it took me a while to figure this out.
"Being of service," is a term that came to my attention when I first got sober in 2009. In AA the term "being of service" refers to being there for another alcoholic, anything from setting up chairs, making coffee, sharing, chairing or being the guest speaker in an AA meeting, making a call to another alcoholic to see how they are doing, these are all ways of "being of service" in the Alcoholic Anonymous world.
It is pretty amazing stuff, my AA experience, I came in like a baby horse, barley able to stand, a newcomer, no idea what was going on, people reached out "being of service" and helped me daily. As soon as I got my sober legs and felt better, I began my service to others in the program.
What I learned from "being of service" in AA is that you help someone, but in return it makes you feel really good, it's helping you too.
Growing up in Beverly Hills, I didn't see very many people in my community being of service to anyone. Rarely did I hear of someone donating their time to help any cause, my family writes checks, I'm going to assume most people do. There is nothing wrong with that, personally I need more. My best friend Carrie and I volunteered for AIDS Project LA in high school. That was the extent of my service to anyone as a teen.
Moving to the East Coast almost 15 years ago, I found people more aware of "issues" and "causes", it's something that I noticed immediately. Not saying East Coast people care more than West Coast, it's just something I noticed. People my age (at the time mid 20s) were donating time to things they were passionate about, this was inspiring.
Being a drunk for many years, I was mostly passionate about just that, drinking, I would get involved with causes here and there, my focus was dulling myself with booze.
Through my first NYC bosses John Schreiber & Chris Wangro I learned that there were ways to incorporate awareness and donation raising for causes into projects we took on. This made work mean more than producing a concert or giving a guitar to an artist. Eventually my work allowed me to meld my passions for "causes" into my everyday life. It made me feel less of someone that only breathed air & had a job, I could make a difference.
Throughout the years I've volunteered reading to seniors, meals on wheels and other programs. When I did these things it made me feel good.
Still drinking was my major priority.
Once I got sober and began doing service in AA, I realized that I wanted to do more with my life. I had found so much peace within myself through my work in the program and a diligent yoga practice I wanted to share this with others.
Currently I volunteer teaching yoga to senior at a local senior center in Brooklyn. They are grateful for my teaching, but what they give me is so much bigger, I leave each class elated, almost floating on air.
Still I feel my work here on the planet has only begun. This year I am planning a few large moves towards dedicating my life to the service of others. Through my experiences in the last few years, getting sober, getting sick, death of my best friend/dog, I've realized so much about myself and what I have to offer. Once again, it feels good to give back.
Today on the birthday of Dr King I ask you to take a look at what you have done to be of service to someone (or thing, maybe an animal rescue, go Kimzo!). It takes a few seconds to smile at someone, picking up a phone to see how your Grandparent is doing, maybe picking up those fliers in the lobby of your building because no one else will...small steps that seem silly, but you'll make a difference in someones life in a positive way.
It's contagious...
There are many ways to give back and help others...it took me a while to figure this out.
"Being of service," is a term that came to my attention when I first got sober in 2009. In AA the term "being of service" refers to being there for another alcoholic, anything from setting up chairs, making coffee, sharing, chairing or being the guest speaker in an AA meeting, making a call to another alcoholic to see how they are doing, these are all ways of "being of service" in the Alcoholic Anonymous world.
It is pretty amazing stuff, my AA experience, I came in like a baby horse, barley able to stand, a newcomer, no idea what was going on, people reached out "being of service" and helped me daily. As soon as I got my sober legs and felt better, I began my service to others in the program.
What I learned from "being of service" in AA is that you help someone, but in return it makes you feel really good, it's helping you too.
Growing up in Beverly Hills, I didn't see very many people in my community being of service to anyone. Rarely did I hear of someone donating their time to help any cause, my family writes checks, I'm going to assume most people do. There is nothing wrong with that, personally I need more. My best friend Carrie and I volunteered for AIDS Project LA in high school. That was the extent of my service to anyone as a teen.
Moving to the East Coast almost 15 years ago, I found people more aware of "issues" and "causes", it's something that I noticed immediately. Not saying East Coast people care more than West Coast, it's just something I noticed. People my age (at the time mid 20s) were donating time to things they were passionate about, this was inspiring.
Being a drunk for many years, I was mostly passionate about just that, drinking, I would get involved with causes here and there, my focus was dulling myself with booze.
Through my first NYC bosses John Schreiber & Chris Wangro I learned that there were ways to incorporate awareness and donation raising for causes into projects we took on. This made work mean more than producing a concert or giving a guitar to an artist. Eventually my work allowed me to meld my passions for "causes" into my everyday life. It made me feel less of someone that only breathed air & had a job, I could make a difference.
Throughout the years I've volunteered reading to seniors, meals on wheels and other programs. When I did these things it made me feel good.
Still drinking was my major priority.
Once I got sober and began doing service in AA, I realized that I wanted to do more with my life. I had found so much peace within myself through my work in the program and a diligent yoga practice I wanted to share this with others.
Currently I volunteer teaching yoga to senior at a local senior center in Brooklyn. They are grateful for my teaching, but what they give me is so much bigger, I leave each class elated, almost floating on air.
Still I feel my work here on the planet has only begun. This year I am planning a few large moves towards dedicating my life to the service of others. Through my experiences in the last few years, getting sober, getting sick, death of my best friend/dog, I've realized so much about myself and what I have to offer. Once again, it feels good to give back.
Today on the birthday of Dr King I ask you to take a look at what you have done to be of service to someone (or thing, maybe an animal rescue, go Kimzo!). It takes a few seconds to smile at someone, picking up a phone to see how your Grandparent is doing, maybe picking up those fliers in the lobby of your building because no one else will...small steps that seem silly, but you'll make a difference in someones life in a positive way.
It's contagious...
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Slave To Love....Self Centered Bullshit
Bryan Ferry of Roxy Music married his son's ex-girlfriend recently.
Ferry is 66, bride is 29. My father is 66.
Can you pick which person in this photo is the son that formerly dated the bride?
Here's a hint, he looks unhappy (2nd from left).
When I was a freshman in high school my mother then approximately my age now 39 began dating a friend of mine who was a high school senior
I was the last person to know, people made funny remarks and I would reply, "there is no way that would happen, that's my mother." One evening I caught the two of them kissing outside of our house, it had be going on for a while, I was the last to know.
Their relationship lasted about 7 years. He was and is a really good person. My mother on the other hand....self centered, never thinking of anything or anyone beyond what she wants, that's her m.o.
My mother was married at the time the relationship began. Her marriage was coming to a close. The relationship between my mother and my friend was humiliating for me, but I couldn't show that feeling to anyone. People never said anything to my face, but I know that I became a joke because of my mother. That hurt, I was incredibly resentful toward my mother for years, part of me is still angry at her.
Parents are supposed to protect their children, put the child's needs first. My mother didn't, about two years ago when I got sober I asked my mother if she ever thought about how her decision to date my high school friend affected me. Her answer, "I never thought of it." There was no apology, no sympathy, she did what she did because that's what she wanted.
Reading the story about Bryan Ferry made me physical ill. What a selfish act, Mr Ferry I bet your son already has issues living in the shadow of a rock star parent, now you marry his ex-girlfriend? I bet it has never crossed your mind that regardless if your son says he's ok, he's not.
I'm not ok and it's been almost 15+ years. Needless to say I won't be listening to Roxy Music anytime in the near future, I've become a non-fan of this sick and self centered narcissist.
Ferry is 66, bride is 29. My father is 66.
Can you pick which person in this photo is the son that formerly dated the bride?
Here's a hint, he looks unhappy (2nd from left).
When I was a freshman in high school my mother then approximately my age now 39 began dating a friend of mine who was a high school senior
I was the last person to know, people made funny remarks and I would reply, "there is no way that would happen, that's my mother." One evening I caught the two of them kissing outside of our house, it had be going on for a while, I was the last to know.
Their relationship lasted about 7 years. He was and is a really good person. My mother on the other hand....self centered, never thinking of anything or anyone beyond what she wants, that's her m.o.
My mother was married at the time the relationship began. Her marriage was coming to a close. The relationship between my mother and my friend was humiliating for me, but I couldn't show that feeling to anyone. People never said anything to my face, but I know that I became a joke because of my mother. That hurt, I was incredibly resentful toward my mother for years, part of me is still angry at her.
Parents are supposed to protect their children, put the child's needs first. My mother didn't, about two years ago when I got sober I asked my mother if she ever thought about how her decision to date my high school friend affected me. Her answer, "I never thought of it." There was no apology, no sympathy, she did what she did because that's what she wanted.
Reading the story about Bryan Ferry made me physical ill. What a selfish act, Mr Ferry I bet your son already has issues living in the shadow of a rock star parent, now you marry his ex-girlfriend? I bet it has never crossed your mind that regardless if your son says he's ok, he's not.
I'm not ok and it's been almost 15+ years. Needless to say I won't be listening to Roxy Music anytime in the near future, I've become a non-fan of this sick and self centered narcissist.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Happy New Years....Eve
A few thoughts about coming into a new year, in list form.
I don't make New Years resolutions because I've never been able to keep them, but I'll make this list, some facts, some wishes, some plans, at the end of the year I'll look back and see what came to the surface.
I don't make New Years resolutions because I've never been able to keep them, but I'll make this list, some facts, some wishes, some plans, at the end of the year I'll look back and see what came to the surface.
- I'll be 40 in May 2012
- In June I'll have 3 years of sobriety, by the grace of god
- My friends are wonderful, I'm very lucky
- Lulu will be 15 years old, she's still here! Sleeping, nothing has changed
- I will have lived in NYC for 15 years in 2012
- At the start of 2012 I have 3 committed weekly yoga classes to teach, nice
- 2011 was filled with triumphs and struggles, every year has them, it's ok
- I will not willingly give my heart to someone in 2012, they will have to work on gaining my trust, even if I've known them for a while, it's too tender
- In 2012 I look forward to finishing my book, thank you JR for being my editor and CS for being my manager, these are huge inspirations and the support is appreciated
- On January 1, 2012 I will jump in the Atlantic Ocean again, thank you JS
- I will get health insurance in 2012, priority
- Somehow, someway I will trek the Annapurna in 2012
- Whatever happens in 2012, I will take life a day at a time, there are a lot of possibilities floating out there, I will do my best to take everything that comes my way with humility and grace.
Happy New Year to you all, a year ago I started this blog and it's been quite a trip. Thank you for reading and your support.
Shanon
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tired
Frustration and exhaustion is what I’m feeling currently.
It’s been a while since I had an “episode” related to my temporal lobe cyst.
Yesterday I had one that lasted 3 hours. It started in my Bikram yoga class; I felt it coming on and slowed my practice down. My goal was to relax and not leave class. Although it was a challenge to be in class and not be able to move my body the way my mind wanted.
After class I found I couldn’t talk and was having a difficult time with my comprehension. These are all “normal” in the process of going through an “episode” I don’t get scared it is more of a frustration that the episode is happening.
A while back I made a choice that I wouldn’t let these episodes slow me down, so during the 3 hours, I finished class, showered, took the train to Manhattan, had a session with my therapist and then met a friend for a movie & dinner.
I’ve been off my medication for several months now. The Topamax had done its job; my neurologist and I felt I had been doing well.
This is the first episode that has happened since the medication went away.
The thought of going back on daily medication doesn’t appeal to me. Topamax reeked havoc on my system, everything from not being able to eat or taste food, not feel my fingers and toes to loosing so much weight people constantly commented on how I looked and made me feel very self conscience. Oh did I mention the suicidal part? Yes too much Topamax will make you suicidal; I’ve experienced it twice.
Today I woke up feeling fine and full of promise. Several hours late another episode is happening.
During these times I slow down, but my can still write and communicate through typing. That is a blessing I guess. The only way I can explain it is like taking LSD, it creeps up slowly, then you peak (for me that’s heavy disorientation and I lose the ability to speak), and then you come down and are exhausted.
Now I am sitting on the subway platform waiting for the R Train back to Brooklyn from Soho. At the moment I’m pretty exhausted and wished that I had extra money for a cab, but I’m on a pretty tight budget currently.
I also don’t have health insurance, haven’t for the past few months. So if things get worse I won’t be taking myself to the doctor, I just can’t afford it. Makes you think, our how fucked up our healthcare system is in America. Plus to be honest there is nothing they can do for me anyway, I’ve been through this many times and they just keep me comfortable until it passes.
So I’ll take myself home and lay in bed to rest.
If you want to check in on me I would appreciate it. It gets pretty depressing when this happens and easy to feel very alone. Feel free to tweet at me @chaiks
I hope I feel better soon, I’m supposed to go see Ted Leo and The Pharmacists tonight at The Bell House, something I’ve been looking forward to for a few weeks now.
Btw this train ride is only fueling my depression, there is a bunch of men that look beaten down my life, each one is alone and starring out into space, no one is smiling. Can’t wait to feel better and get the hell off of this R Train. Please god let me not die on this train today.
Shanon
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I'm easy like sunday morning....
Not only is this song great, the outfit Lionel is wearing might top Neil Diamond in the super sparkly suit realm. And currently I'm feeling "easy like Sunday morning"
Last night I had the insomnia again, maybe it's not insomnia, I have been going to bed way to early and waking up at hours like 3am, 4am and 5am when nothing is going on, not even an exciting Twitter feed. Is it possible I need to follow a speed freak that doesn't stop Tweeting for early morning entertainment? Please send suggestions as I am now reading Walden, again.
This morning after a thorough cleaning of my apartment I headed to the noon Bikram class up the street. I've been having some challenges with my lower back and sciatica. Man, its rough, the back just gives out which forces me to go easy in postures right when my mind is in the groove and wants to push me further.
This afternoon I had solid conversations with several people that have left me feeling"easy".
I tend to forget that I've been on this planet, have experienced so much, worked so hard on myself in the past few years that I have the power to bring some practical vision to things others are dealing with in their lives.
In AA they say we are here to help the "still sick and suffering," which on any given day can easily be me. Today I was able to be there for a few people and in the process make myself feel good too. That's a gift, not a gift of my super human powers, but the gift of being alive. If you can be there for someone to help ease their pain it will in return make you feel good. Double your pleasure? You bet.
My 96 year old Grandmother is having an especially difficult time right now, her partner for the last 17 years is living with his children because of dementia. She is being uprooted from her home for the past 20+ years in South Florida to return to an assisted living facility in Detroit, her home town. Most of her belongings are being given away, and next week she'll be all moved into her new place.
My father is doing an incredible job at being there for her, he is a wonderful son, I only wish I can be there for him when he needs that support too. I guess I am now or at least I try.
The conversation between my Grandmother and I was hard, the last few times I've spoken to her, she is depressed, stressed out and seems unmotivated. I asked her if she believed in God, now this is a woman who was head of the B'nai B'rith mind you (national, not just local), she said "yes and no, lately I don't feel god" This made me extremely sad, as I said, she was always very involved in her temple and the rituals of Judaism. Which leaves me to question if she practiced her religion out of habit, the ritual or if she actually does have a spiritual side? Now wasn't the time to ask her, I will return to this conversation in the future once she is more settled in.
I think most of my family practices out of forced habit. That might be why I was never drawn to religion and why when I practiced I questioned everything. Was it for the love of god or faith? It didn't seem like either growing up, cue "Tradition" from Fiddler On The Roof...
Now I consider myself deeply spiritual. It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with my "conscious contact with my high power," I often call it god for lack of a better term, but only in the presence of people who won't run off thinking I'm trying to convert them.
AA helped me find my faith in a higher power, it was the start of my spiritual journey which I work on daily. This year was a big growth on that journey, studying the Bhagavad Gita, Yoga Sutras, The Bible and The AA Big Book. At the end of the day, what I've discovered is simple, if you can open your mind and believe that there is something bigger than yourself out there, you have faith. It will develop and keep you peaceful, if you can expand on that and add a little meditation or reflection it will change your life.
That's my experience, not unique in anyway, it works for me. It seems to work for others I know too, so I share that with you.
When I let my ego take over and think that I'm in control all hell breaks loose. Sometimes that needs to happen to remind me that I have faith and it's deep. Hell my parents named me Shanon Faith! How could I have not had it all these years?? I only needed to unlock it.
I'll leave you with this, actually it's for someone special that I know will understand, just fake it until you make it. I'll have faith for you now until you have it for yourself.
Grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
xo
Shanon
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Electric Brain
My friend Julie sent me a demo of a song she wrote recently, it's called "Electric Brain" It has sunken into my little damaged brain, has got me thinking about technology and how we relate to each other as humans.
Where to begin...?
My first job as an adult we had computers. No email, no internet and a really "fast" piece of cutting edge technology called a facsimile machine. That was in 1991.
Today part of my "job" is actually relaying information via electronic and social media to the masses. It's a love/hate relationship with technology.
There is rarely a moment of the day when I'm not working, reading email, communicating via Facebook, blogs, text, Twitter and even GASP the telephone.
Yes, I use the telephone, it's my cell phone, I no longer have a landline and haven't since I moved to Brooklyn from Manhattan and gave up my precious 212 number. That might have been 2004 or 2005, the years pretty much blur in that period.
A few years back my friend Mo stopped using all technology, including the telephone, it seemed like a kooky experiment (knowing him it was). You had to go to his house to get in touch with him. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but he has been back for a while now. He only communicates via email now, it drives me slightly batty, nevertheless I love him.
So why is all of this on my head? Truth be told I've been checking my email like a mad woman for the past 24 hours waiting for a response to an email I sent off yesterday.
I miss human contact, I miss talking to people in person or even on the phone. I would much prefer to Skype with someone to see a face on the other end than send a text.
Many things get diluted and misconstrued in this new communication process. I've sent myself into a blind rage over text or emails received only to find out they didn't mean what I thought they did, or like now, have driven myself to obsession waiting for a sign of life on the other side of an email.
Several months ago I got in a text fight with one of my best friends that had us not communicating until a few days ago when I apologized in an email.
Technology is incredible. I love seeing peoples lives through Facebook, reading your random thoughts on Twitter and that I can send my blabber out into space at any given moment. It also allows us to work from anywhere in the world. The globe becomes my office, I like this concept a lot.
The sad part is it isolates us. It keeps us from the ones we cherish the most and turns our true feelings into a 140 character blurt.
I go back and forth on technology, as I said at the start of this entry, it's love/hate. Today I sit in the middle of those feelings, waiting for answers that don't come and stuffing a Peanut Chew in my mouth trying to make myself feel a little better.
Shanon
Where to begin...?
My first job as an adult we had computers. No email, no internet and a really "fast" piece of cutting edge technology called a facsimile machine. That was in 1991.
Today part of my "job" is actually relaying information via electronic and social media to the masses. It's a love/hate relationship with technology.
There is rarely a moment of the day when I'm not working, reading email, communicating via Facebook, blogs, text, Twitter and even GASP the telephone.
Yes, I use the telephone, it's my cell phone, I no longer have a landline and haven't since I moved to Brooklyn from Manhattan and gave up my precious 212 number. That might have been 2004 or 2005, the years pretty much blur in that period.
A few years back my friend Mo stopped using all technology, including the telephone, it seemed like a kooky experiment (knowing him it was). You had to go to his house to get in touch with him. I'm not sure how long that lasted, but he has been back for a while now. He only communicates via email now, it drives me slightly batty, nevertheless I love him.
So why is all of this on my head? Truth be told I've been checking my email like a mad woman for the past 24 hours waiting for a response to an email I sent off yesterday.
I miss human contact, I miss talking to people in person or even on the phone. I would much prefer to Skype with someone to see a face on the other end than send a text.
Many things get diluted and misconstrued in this new communication process. I've sent myself into a blind rage over text or emails received only to find out they didn't mean what I thought they did, or like now, have driven myself to obsession waiting for a sign of life on the other side of an email.
Several months ago I got in a text fight with one of my best friends that had us not communicating until a few days ago when I apologized in an email.
Technology is incredible. I love seeing peoples lives through Facebook, reading your random thoughts on Twitter and that I can send my blabber out into space at any given moment. It also allows us to work from anywhere in the world. The globe becomes my office, I like this concept a lot.
The sad part is it isolates us. It keeps us from the ones we cherish the most and turns our true feelings into a 140 character blurt.
I go back and forth on technology, as I said at the start of this entry, it's love/hate. Today I sit in the middle of those feelings, waiting for answers that don't come and stuffing a Peanut Chew in my mouth trying to make myself feel a little better.
Shanon
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