A Grey Start To Spring

It is still grey here in Detroit, although spring has arrived.  The weather has gotten to me, there are sunny days that pop up in between that seem to promise change, sadly they quickly disappear and the gloomy grey returns. 

Each day brings a new struggle, especially when there is no sun. I almost prefer the snow on the ground, at least the white coat gleams something beautiful, it makes sense in the context of winter. All this grey sky, grey concrete along with the bare trees are a constant reminder of how I feel inside, a dead feeling, or the sad feelings, I only wish the feelings were actually dead, at least with death there is an ending. 

I realize I spend much of my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. How many of my hours wasted, even when I'm out doing things, there is an empty space within me that constantly hurts, nothing can fill it.  There are the moments of reprieve, they are few and far between, I am grateful for when they arrive, my head is somewhere else, then it returns and the hole is back.

There is a lot of learning when a relationship ends, I can say I've taken in a lot.  I am slowly understanding my part of its demise, things I should have done from the start that I knew where not the best ideas, I also knew I went into the relationship with a heart full of love and the best intentions, knowing somewhere in my gut that this person probably wasn't in the same place at the time, although they told me they were and they made me feel that things were going to be ok.  I trusted, I believed and I brought my faith in.

At the end of it all I feel used, judged, mistreated, misunderstood and easily discarded. Thrown away like old packaging, how wonderful it must be to be so free you can throw people away without a care and rebound so quickly. 

Although the hole within me is large and seems to be getting worse instead of healing, I have to constantly remind myself that I did my best to keep my part of the street clean, most of the issues were theirs.  This person was incapable of accepting me for who I was, which is ironic since it seemed that my free spirit is what drew me to them in the first place, eventually they constantly judged me and hurt my feelings, they made me feel as if they were embarrassed of me, towards the end they couldn't look me in the eye, be honest, hold my hand or sit with me.  These are not my issues, these solely belong to them. 

These things don't make this person a bad person, I have to understand that, it makes them a person who truly doesn't know themselves and if you aren't happy with yourself you will take that out on someone else, even if you say I love you a hundred times, it is meaningless.

When you love someone you love all of them, even their "flaws", acceptance, compassion, understanding, empathy, these are characteristics that make someone worth loving.

The worst part is I still love them, but I cannot remember why.