Team Spirit

 When I planned my trip to San Francisco to visit my best friend from high school Carrie there was no particular reasoning for the dates we picked except they seemed to work best with our individual schedules.

As many of you know last June I had to put my dog Lulu down, after almost 17 years, it was heartbreaking and shortly thereafter while studying for my Reiki Master Certification in July, my teacher Lisa Guyman suggested I buy a tix to see Rebecca Rosen, a medium who was highly spiritual and visited Metro Detroit once a year. I purchased the tix for her November visit and kind of forgot about it. 

Seeing Rebecca in November was a spiritual life changer for me. Not only did it confirm that there was an entire realm on the otherside, the second night (I had to go back) out of 750 people in the small theatre my precious Lulu stopped by with a message for me. 

After experiencing Rebecca I read her 2nd book Awaken The Spirit Within, I cannot recommend this book enough, I was also lucky enough to share my experience with my Nana Dorothy two months before she passed. We spoke about what I had learned and experienced, my Nana seemed open to the idea there was something bigger but quite frankly thought it a little mashuga the dead dog was talking from the otherside, regardless she was supportive and held onto Rebccas book as she chatted with me about it all on a very clear day for her mentally. I think she also liked that Rebecca was Jewish, it gave her a bit more credibility to my 99 year old Nana. 

Yesterday I had the honor of being one in a group of 12 people to have a private two hour reading with Rebecca in San Francisco. She announced the date a week ago and apparently had not been to the Bay Area in several years, I had to buy a tix, they sold out within an hour. 

Knowing that you need to be focused and open I spent the hour prior meditating on from who I needed to hear and what my questions were, Rebecca actually said she saw me meditating earlier ad my response was, "I need to do the work," she smiled. 

We started with her group meditation, once we opened our eyes we began, "I'm going to start with the strongest spirit, Dorothy I see red shoes and the wizard of oz, who's grandmother or mother is Dorothy?" My hand went right up, my Nana was the spiritual ring leader!

I won't go into too many details but eventually I'll post an edited version of the audio. 

My Nana through Rebecca confirmed she was with my Grandfather Irving and her boyfriend Bill. That she was so happy to be talking to us, she believed in all of it, there was something on the otherside and it is beautiful. She said she watches and communicates with my father she calls herself my wingman and is with Lulu who is still working was my Guardian Angel. Lulu I was told also showed up to the first group, so clearly this little dog really connects with me!! 

My Auntie Fran and Cousin Lorne stopped by to say they were together and happy. As well as my Papa Katz, Papa George and Uncle Al. 

My Nana mentioned her boyfriend Bob, so I think I'll go check in on him when I get home, my dad and I visit with him as well as my Auntie Florence and Uncle Jack every few weeks. 

Messages were loud and clear, we know you have a lot of changes going on "Roll With It" "You don't need to do anything else for your family, or for someone else" 

My Nana asked me to write, or continue to write and Rebecca  suggested this as a way of communicating with Nana as she did when she started her journey. 

She also asked me if I had a ring with me and who Joe was, I told the group what I planned to do with the ring Joe gave me (throw it into the ocean in Big Sur, where he gave it to me a year ago) and that just that morning I was questioning that choice.  "Go Forward" you need to close the circle to heal and move on. "Let Go And Reset" was another one I heard.

Rebecca asked me if I was 39 years old and I laughed, but I told her that was the age I moved to Detroit to be with my Nana. She said it was time change, I was a natural born healer and if I choose that path I will be fulfilled. She said she saw Paris and I told her I had always wanted to live there and she said I should, I wouldn't be forever but it would be a short time and would be very good for me. Possibly a year, my Nana encouraged it. 

Rebecca told me that Arch Angel Michael works with me, which is an honor and I will stay more tuned into that moving forward. 

She also asked me about red lipstick and I told her that my Nana liked me to buy it for her, "we like a bold lip color, statement jewelry and blonde hair."And we all laughed. Just like in life my Nana stole the show! 

My Nana will be leaving me pennies, she says she had been putting them out, I'll start watching more closely. 

There was a lot more, but I think I touched on the most important things. 

I'm reading Rebecca's first book now Spirited, another suggested reading if any of this interests you. She believes we all have intuitive powers and can develop them to help lead better lives. 

My experience was beyond anything I've had to experience in this life, so much love and light, I feel so incredibly blessed.

One message that was loud and clear: 

ENJOY LIFE NOT ENDURE IT! 

Now get moving....

You Cannot Touch The Sky From Inside Yourself

My vacation to California has been one of healing. A lot of processing, understanding and bit by bit letting go what I can when it's available. 

It's hard to focus on your own issues when standing in front of the powerful AI Weiwei installation at Alcatraz Island, which brings up so many emotions while reminding you of those humans wrongfully inprisioned for speaking out again the heinous acts their government does to their people daily. We forget these people are alive and have voices that need to be heard. The power of Weiwei's art brought me to tears several times while visiting the island. It puts so much in perspective. 

But yet my healing is still my own healing and it doesn't hurt any less. 

Yesterday Carrie and I drove from Carmel to Big Sur to begin the final chapter in my healing journey, we stopped for breakfast at my favorite Big Sur Bakery, where we were greeted by an upbeat staff rocking out to The Allman Brothers on volume 11. An actual great way to begin the day plus perfect coffee and crossaints. 

We then made the scenic drive past Deetjens to Esalen Institute where I spent the next few hours soaking in the healing sulfer baths and receiving possibly the best massage of my life. 

Refreshed and ready for my next steps to "go forward" as told specifically by my spirit guides we drove to the Ragged Point Inn, what a view. Carrie took care of her work, while I found a spot to take care of mine. 

Overlooking a perfect point of the Pacfic Ocean I pulled from my purse the box that held the ring Joe had given to me a year ago on my birthday in Big Sur. A custom turquoise and silver piece, made with what I can only assume at the time was love. Looking at it now it no longer held sentimental value for me. There was no connection, just pain. I spoke out loud to the God of my understanding, asked for healing and forgiveness for my heart and my part in the broken relationship, prayed and threw it into the ocean. 

My circle was complete. 

This trip was my healing trip, to heal from loss, the loss of my Grandmother, the loss of my relationship and the loss of myself-who I misplaced during that time period. 

I do feel better. I don't feel 100% ready to open my heart to someone or trust again, but I know that I've made my peace with myself and that matters. 

Don't Quit Until The Miracle Happens

This was not the blog piece I intended to write, I actually have been working on a piece on intimacy, but clearly the universe has other things it needs me to see and say, so I'll go with what is put in front of me, this usually is the best way.

In two days I leave for California, I can only thank my best friend from high school Carrie for that, she has this ability to scrape me off the floor like no one else in the world, she did it once before in the early 90s and she came to my recuse again.

My anti-depressants are working! So thank you doctors and integrative health team in Dearborn Heights.  Incredible, blessing, now I get to work on quieting the voice in my head that reminds me of the damage I am trying to heal from on a daily basis.  I am doing the work for this to take place, slowly it will happen, I have faith, I've battled bigger beasts. 

So in anticipation of my trip I planned some activities I really wanted to do but had not had the opportunity on my last visits to the Bay Area.  I'll tour Alcatraz and the AI Weiwei installation that is on the island, amazing, as it closes two days after I leave (the exhibit, not the national park/prision). I'll bike tour through the city and over the Golden Gate, I love biking and am super excited, I have a weird fascination and fear of suspension bridges.  I once had a massive panic attack on the Golden Gate and oddly enough on the Brooklyn.  Is it possible that something happened in a past life to me on a suspension bridge?

Carrie and I will stay a night in Carmel then make our way down to Esalen Institute for massages and time in the healing sulfer baths that hang on the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean.

I also plan on healing by bringing the custom made ring that was given to me by my ex on my birthday visit to Big Sur last year and I'll be giving it to the Pacific Ocean.  It is an incredible thing how something that meant so much and seemed so heartfelt almost a year ago can make you physical ill to look at it, it looks and feels like a lie, a lie in fancy box. It was once run over by a car, I should have taken that as a sign of things to come.

But I regress, the trip will be wonderful and healing.  All the time something inside of me kept repeating, "wouldn't it be wild if Rebecca Rosen somehow appeared and did a reading in San Fran while you were there?"  I personally had never seen the Bay Area on her schedule, it's usually LA, Boulder, Denver, Metro Detroit, NYC and Texas.  But today the universe responded....

An email appeared, Rebecca Rosen will be doing TWO small group readings in San Francisco on Thursday 4/23.  WHAT?????  

So I did it.  The universe called, I answered.  Myself and 11 other people will join her next Thursday, I know my Nana is aware of the difficult time I have been having since her death and my break up with Joe.  She's letting me know and she is showing up.  I am beyond grateful, floored, my head is spinning.

My tix is booked, and of course the Rebecca Rosen book Spirited I ordered at the beginning of the week showed up last night in the mail. Universe, timing.

Basically, if you stay on the path, do the work, open yourself to the signs, pray, have faith and ask for help you get exactly what you need.

Or as they say in AA, Don't Quit Before The Miracle Happens.

With love, light and a drop of clarity. Shanon

A Grey Start To Spring

It is still grey here in Detroit, although spring has arrived.  The weather has gotten to me, there are sunny days that pop up in between that seem to promise change, sadly they quickly disappear and the gloomy grey returns. 

Each day brings a new struggle, especially when there is no sun. I almost prefer the snow on the ground, at least the white coat gleams something beautiful, it makes sense in the context of winter. All this grey sky, grey concrete along with the bare trees are a constant reminder of how I feel inside, a dead feeling, or the sad feelings, I only wish the feelings were actually dead, at least with death there is an ending. 

I realize I spend much of my time thinking about someone who isn't thinking about me. How many of my hours wasted, even when I'm out doing things, there is an empty space within me that constantly hurts, nothing can fill it.  There are the moments of reprieve, they are few and far between, I am grateful for when they arrive, my head is somewhere else, then it returns and the hole is back.

There is a lot of learning when a relationship ends, I can say I've taken in a lot.  I am slowly understanding my part of its demise, things I should have done from the start that I knew where not the best ideas, I also knew I went into the relationship with a heart full of love and the best intentions, knowing somewhere in my gut that this person probably wasn't in the same place at the time, although they told me they were and they made me feel that things were going to be ok.  I trusted, I believed and I brought my faith in.

At the end of it all I feel used, judged, mistreated, misunderstood and easily discarded. Thrown away like old packaging, how wonderful it must be to be so free you can throw people away without a care and rebound so quickly. 

Although the hole within me is large and seems to be getting worse instead of healing, I have to constantly remind myself that I did my best to keep my part of the street clean, most of the issues were theirs.  This person was incapable of accepting me for who I was, which is ironic since it seemed that my free spirit is what drew me to them in the first place, eventually they constantly judged me and hurt my feelings, they made me feel as if they were embarrassed of me, towards the end they couldn't look me in the eye, be honest, hold my hand or sit with me.  These are not my issues, these solely belong to them. 

These things don't make this person a bad person, I have to understand that, it makes them a person who truly doesn't know themselves and if you aren't happy with yourself you will take that out on someone else, even if you say I love you a hundred times, it is meaningless.

When you love someone you love all of them, even their "flaws", acceptance, compassion, understanding, empathy, these are characteristics that make someone worth loving.

The worst part is I still love them, but I cannot remember why.

Soul Lessons

Everything happens exactly as it should, we are all on a path, I believe before we join this human experience our soul commits to a path, with the objective to learn and grow from lessons we failed to learn on our last journey, we grow when we hopefully achieve our pre-arranged goals and continue on to the next level. 

I was not born knowing this information, my beliefs are based on many years of acquiring knowledge from spirits more evolved than myself.

Faith is why I believe in all of this, my parents bestowed on me the middle name of Faith and for years I had none.  It was only when I returned to my path in 2009 that I began my true journey to understand what my purpose is while I'm in our human world.

I truly believe that my first step was getting sober, it was only through that small amount of clarity at 6 months of sobriety I was able to accept with real understanding the growth on my brain.  Through that beautiful gift I was able understand how important it was to not sweat the small stuff, be grateful for life and in that begin a journey to seek myself.  This is all very easy to forget by the way, we are all a work in progress. 

With the gift of sobriety and a brain cyst I was able to move forward, understanding that being of service to others was important and made me feel good.  I tried to be of service while seeking more information on how to be further in touch with the god of my understanding, building my faith in something bigger than myself.

Later I could detach from people, places and things with love, while slowly beginning to love myself.  

The past three years have been a challenging part of my journey, with my faith I was able to make a huge move to Detroit and spend quality time building important relationships with my Grandmother and Father, relationships I always wanted as a child but unfortunately couldn't have until now.  

I opened my heart and was able to love someone as a sober woman, but lost myself along the way reverting back to fear which ruled many of my relationships in the past and complacency which also sprung up from past experiences I didn't out grow.  I lost my Grandmother, and only because of a return to my spiritual work I was able to accept her death and be present for myself, my Grandmother and my family. 

I lost my love, which was and is painful, through this lI learned that the true loss I had suffered was within myself and leaving gave me the gift of returning to the piece of my life that helps keep me on my spiritual path.  

The understanding of my journey, continuing the work daily, this is what makes me who I am, this work returns me to my path when I step off, it helps me to heal, grow, detach with love and is a constant reminder that my higher power works through me, if I stop the work the darkness grows, you can't have light without dark, but you can decide to continue to shine.

A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes

The heart, we each have one, it beats, some days in perfect rhythm, some times it breaks, when it breaks it feels like nothing can put it back together. 

Mine is broken now.  It's not the first time, but it doesn't hurt any less. 

Over time it will mend, over time I will feel better.  Now I don't. 

Spring is around the corner, as much as the snow still sits on the ground, someone recently promised me tulips will be arrive March 21st.

I know that over the next few weeks I have travel to look forward to, reconnecting with friends and new adventures.

These things will help with the healing process.

I'll continue to work my processes to heal, my processes take a little more time than others, I'm passionate, when I give my love and trust it's real and deep, when those things are broken my healing takes a while.  

That's ok, I like who I am at my core, I am a person with the capacity to grow, learn and continue on this journey.

When You Know There Is Something Better

Something incredible happens when you get sober. 

First off, if you have the miracle happen, the little door/window cracks open and the message gets through you're one of the lucky ones.

Once you detox your poor body, freak out a bunch, ride the pink cloud, freak out again and have a little time under your hat you find out a secret only sober people know, nothing is that bad and eventually you'll feel better.

When your life is so bad you want to die every day and you pray for that to happen, you aren't living.  That happened to me at the end of my drinking.  It happened fast, my bottom, for that I am grateful, I never had a struggle with trying to stop, I just woke up one morning and walked to an AA meeting.  That is of course after standing on the edge of a subway platform thinking about throwing myself and my two dogs I was carrying in front of the on coming train.  I didn't, I made it to that Saturday morning meeting at Greenwood after getting Fred and Lulu safely home.

That day I heard my pain told by other people, people I would have never spoken to before for no other reason but I had no reason to speak to them.  I cried, they told me I would be ok, that day my life began to change. 

The thing I continue to remind myself is no matter what happens I know everything will be ok.  I'm not standing on the edge of a subway platform trying to kill myself and innocent animals, I'm not trying to drink myself to death nightly in my house, I get up and take each day as it comes. 

I've had the privilege of watching so many people I care about get sober, also struggle, fail, get sober again and stay sober.  It's a beautiful thing to see their lives flourish. 

For years I've had to sit and watch someone who I care very much about struggle, I've been to ALANON meetings, and it helped, I had to detach with love, and recently I had to speak with them again.  It is so heartbreaking to see someone not know that if they just walked through that door a whole world would open up, filled with inspiring people who will be there for you, hold you while you struggle and love you unconditionally until you can learn to love yourself.  

It is so sad, this persons entire life is ruled by fear. 

The other day an old friend came to town and we discussed another person, a mutual friend who I've been saving a seat for in the rooms, my friend who doesn't have a problem straight up said, "they are just going to die, i think that is their bottom."  Awful. But I do think they had a strong point. 

Today speaking with old friends who have been taking care of my long time struggling person sadly echo'd a similar sentiment about them, "they are hopeless"

These are all words of non program people, all non addicts or alcoholics.  No one is hopeless and no one has to die.  I only know this because it happened to me.  We can't physically help them or put ourselves in harms way to do so.  These people only need our prayers and hopefully they hear when that window of opportunity cracks open to let them know it is time to get help. 

Writing To Heal

God, please send me your strength, I need it so much tonight.

Today I was in intense amount of pain, I've been here before in different ways for different circumstances. 

For the last several weeks my life has taken hit after hit of serious loss.  Taking it in and digesting it hasn't been easy.

Separating fact from things that my head loves to create and feelings I know are usually not based in fact, I have created the following list of facts which I need to constantly remind myself:

-I've been through worse pain, healed and come out on the other end a better person for it.

-My Nana & Lulu would not want me to be sad, and I know they are with me now, supporting me 

-God gives you these challenges to learn from, we always learn, we always grow for the better

-I need to get out of my own way, because clearly if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be screwing shit up all the time, I need to listen up, the universe is speaking to me

-Nothing is worth drinking over, NOTHING and since I am an alcoholic and choose life, I will continue to remind myself of this even when the woo woo feelings come up and one glass of wine seems like a great idea to kill the pain (have I really learned anything being sober all this time, sometimes I wonder, damn it)

-Friends show up in the darnedest of places to hold you up and make you laugh. Thank you friends.  You are a fact and I am grateful.

A few years ago I remember being in an obsessive insanely sick and extremely alcohol fueled relationship that blew up like Mount Vesuvius all over me.  When it finally ended, I thought I would never love anything again and I was worthless.

It actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  It got me sober.  It made me live, it led me to be so desperate that I took advantage of that little crack of a window that God opened up and I squeezed my ass through it and went to AA.  That was June 20, 2009.

Because I was still in early recovery I continued to draw out that relationship for another year or so as a "friendship," once again ERUPTION!!!!  Man when that blew it was nastier than the first, I felt everything.

And I lived.  And I was ok.  

A year passed, one day I realized I had just forgotten about that someone that was so ingrained in my life at one time I thought I couldn't take a breath without them, it dawned on me I had been breathing for a year just fine. 

About a week ago, I was trolling the internet as I do when I am getting in my own way....and discovered that person had gotten married.  They looked so happy, for the first time I can honestly say I had nothing but pure joy and love for them.  It felt good, then I turned off the computer and went about my day. 

So here I sit with my broken heart again, a little more road worn, a little more understanding, knowing deep inside that I made the right choices and as much as it hurts at times I will be ok again.

One day I'll wake up, breathe deep, realize I am alive and have healed once more! 

Actually writing all this made me feel better.  Thank you for listening. 

Light and Love. 

Dying In The Name Of Love

Walking to yoga training this sunny beautiful April morning listening to the Violent Femmes.

First memory when I heard this album, summer maybe 1983, swimming in the pool at the Beltzman's house, Robin Beltzman blasted Blister In The Sun, I was 11, shes a few years older and i was blown away by the lyrics, omg, "they said why cant i get just one fuck!!" embarrassed and excited.

Then seeing the Femmes w the Peppers opening for them at The Greek in hight school, I was most likely stoned a I can't remember who I was with, anyone? Jo? Shawna? Ang? Sounds like the pack I would have seen that show with in 88 or 89.

And in this decade I saw the Violent Femmes at Lolla in Chicago. Watching from the VIP platform dancing w my posse w a giant Buddha behind us, they played right after my friend Clint (gnarls) and before the RHCP, it was a perfect moment, unleashing a wave of teenage memories that were magical.  Perfect moment.

But the reason I'm writing about the Femmes today is lyrical content. Love. Every song he's singing about how sad, angry, lonely, heartbroken he is about love and he's going to do something harmful about it. Mostly to himself.

We've all been there. I'm so heartbroken I don't want to live anymore....or I don't want you to live anymore.

Then we recover and find someone else or not.

This triggered two memories of two people that died around this time of year over the past five years, both related to broken hearts.

One a young man, my friends brother, sweet and talented musician in his early 20s. Heart broken over a girl, he took something to ease his pain and never woke up.

The other an old friend, a few years my senior, beautiful, fun and smart. She had a few children, despondent over a break up she put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger, that was last year.

It makes me so sad to think about these deaths, so needless. As someone who's recovered from heartbreak there is another side, it just takes a while to get there and a lot of work. Hearts don't just heal and that's that. They need to be healed. And the solution btw isn't found in another person. Heal yourself first and new love will follow, at least that's what I believe.

A friend and I were talking about Romeo and Juliet the other evening. It makes me roll my eyes when people idolize this love story.

They were 13 and they died.

Um, that's not love, that's over dramatic teenagers.

Heal your heart and remember the right things will follow with time. You can't ski on a broken leg. Why would you? Why love on a broken heart?

Thinking of p and c hopefully at peace in heaven.

Shanon