In ______ We Trust?

I've been in contemplation over what to write about next for a few days now. On several occasions I've started posts on various topics and have abandoned ship, it wasn't that the topics weren't good, it might have been my mood, not being ready to go in that direction or sometimes just plan bad/scary/awful material. Hey we aren't perfect, and if you were one of the lucky few to read "I Never Said I Was A Lady," before it came down you know I have never claimed to be either perfect nor a lady.

Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me.  I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do.  It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person.  Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work.  I'm one of the many.

If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood.  For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a  safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations.  I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow.  As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California.  My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life.  As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused.  Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues.  She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface.  Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.  

Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation.  As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust.  I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated.  It was really quite confusing.   

Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening. 

Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.  

Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell.  Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends.  Add that on to the trust issues, gross right?  I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?"  Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet.  Kinda cool.  But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it." 

After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings.  Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.

Writing To Heal

God, please send me your strength, I need it so much tonight.

Today I was in intense amount of pain, I've been here before in different ways for different circumstances. 

For the last several weeks my life has taken hit after hit of serious loss.  Taking it in and digesting it hasn't been easy.

Separating fact from things that my head loves to create and feelings I know are usually not based in fact, I have created the following list of facts which I need to constantly remind myself:

-I've been through worse pain, healed and come out on the other end a better person for it.

-My Nana & Lulu would not want me to be sad, and I know they are with me now, supporting me 

-God gives you these challenges to learn from, we always learn, we always grow for the better

-I need to get out of my own way, because clearly if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be screwing shit up all the time, I need to listen up, the universe is speaking to me

-Nothing is worth drinking over, NOTHING and since I am an alcoholic and choose life, I will continue to remind myself of this even when the woo woo feelings come up and one glass of wine seems like a great idea to kill the pain (have I really learned anything being sober all this time, sometimes I wonder, damn it)

-Friends show up in the darnedest of places to hold you up and make you laugh. Thank you friends.  You are a fact and I am grateful.

A few years ago I remember being in an obsessive insanely sick and extremely alcohol fueled relationship that blew up like Mount Vesuvius all over me.  When it finally ended, I thought I would never love anything again and I was worthless.

It actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  It got me sober.  It made me live, it led me to be so desperate that I took advantage of that little crack of a window that God opened up and I squeezed my ass through it and went to AA.  That was June 20, 2009.

Because I was still in early recovery I continued to draw out that relationship for another year or so as a "friendship," once again ERUPTION!!!!  Man when that blew it was nastier than the first, I felt everything.

And I lived.  And I was ok.  

A year passed, one day I realized I had just forgotten about that someone that was so ingrained in my life at one time I thought I couldn't take a breath without them, it dawned on me I had been breathing for a year just fine. 

About a week ago, I was trolling the internet as I do when I am getting in my own way....and discovered that person had gotten married.  They looked so happy, for the first time I can honestly say I had nothing but pure joy and love for them.  It felt good, then I turned off the computer and went about my day. 

So here I sit with my broken heart again, a little more road worn, a little more understanding, knowing deep inside that I made the right choices and as much as it hurts at times I will be ok again.

One day I'll wake up, breathe deep, realize I am alive and have healed once more! 

Actually writing all this made me feel better.  Thank you for listening. 

Light and Love.