When You Know There Is Something Better

Something incredible happens when you get sober. 

First off, if you have the miracle happen, the little door/window cracks open and the message gets through you're one of the lucky ones.

Once you detox your poor body, freak out a bunch, ride the pink cloud, freak out again and have a little time under your hat you find out a secret only sober people know, nothing is that bad and eventually you'll feel better.

When your life is so bad you want to die every day and you pray for that to happen, you aren't living.  That happened to me at the end of my drinking.  It happened fast, my bottom, for that I am grateful, I never had a struggle with trying to stop, I just woke up one morning and walked to an AA meeting.  That is of course after standing on the edge of a subway platform thinking about throwing myself and my two dogs I was carrying in front of the on coming train.  I didn't, I made it to that Saturday morning meeting at Greenwood after getting Fred and Lulu safely home.

That day I heard my pain told by other people, people I would have never spoken to before for no other reason but I had no reason to speak to them.  I cried, they told me I would be ok, that day my life began to change. 

The thing I continue to remind myself is no matter what happens I know everything will be ok.  I'm not standing on the edge of a subway platform trying to kill myself and innocent animals, I'm not trying to drink myself to death nightly in my house, I get up and take each day as it comes. 

I've had the privilege of watching so many people I care about get sober, also struggle, fail, get sober again and stay sober.  It's a beautiful thing to see their lives flourish. 

For years I've had to sit and watch someone who I care very much about struggle, I've been to ALANON meetings, and it helped, I had to detach with love, and recently I had to speak with them again.  It is so heartbreaking to see someone not know that if they just walked through that door a whole world would open up, filled with inspiring people who will be there for you, hold you while you struggle and love you unconditionally until you can learn to love yourself.  

It is so sad, this persons entire life is ruled by fear. 

The other day an old friend came to town and we discussed another person, a mutual friend who I've been saving a seat for in the rooms, my friend who doesn't have a problem straight up said, "they are just going to die, i think that is their bottom."  Awful. But I do think they had a strong point. 

Today speaking with old friends who have been taking care of my long time struggling person sadly echo'd a similar sentiment about them, "they are hopeless"

These are all words of non program people, all non addicts or alcoholics.  No one is hopeless and no one has to die.  I only know this because it happened to me.  We can't physically help them or put ourselves in harms way to do so.  These people only need our prayers and hopefully they hear when that window of opportunity cracks open to let them know it is time to get help. 

Writing To Heal

God, please send me your strength, I need it so much tonight.

Today I was in intense amount of pain, I've been here before in different ways for different circumstances. 

For the last several weeks my life has taken hit after hit of serious loss.  Taking it in and digesting it hasn't been easy.

Separating fact from things that my head loves to create and feelings I know are usually not based in fact, I have created the following list of facts which I need to constantly remind myself:

-I've been through worse pain, healed and come out on the other end a better person for it.

-My Nana & Lulu would not want me to be sad, and I know they are with me now, supporting me 

-God gives you these challenges to learn from, we always learn, we always grow for the better

-I need to get out of my own way, because clearly if I knew what I was doing I wouldn't be screwing shit up all the time, I need to listen up, the universe is speaking to me

-Nothing is worth drinking over, NOTHING and since I am an alcoholic and choose life, I will continue to remind myself of this even when the woo woo feelings come up and one glass of wine seems like a great idea to kill the pain (have I really learned anything being sober all this time, sometimes I wonder, damn it)

-Friends show up in the darnedest of places to hold you up and make you laugh. Thank you friends.  You are a fact and I am grateful.

A few years ago I remember being in an obsessive insanely sick and extremely alcohol fueled relationship that blew up like Mount Vesuvius all over me.  When it finally ended, I thought I would never love anything again and I was worthless.

It actually turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  It got me sober.  It made me live, it led me to be so desperate that I took advantage of that little crack of a window that God opened up and I squeezed my ass through it and went to AA.  That was June 20, 2009.

Because I was still in early recovery I continued to draw out that relationship for another year or so as a "friendship," once again ERUPTION!!!!  Man when that blew it was nastier than the first, I felt everything.

And I lived.  And I was ok.  

A year passed, one day I realized I had just forgotten about that someone that was so ingrained in my life at one time I thought I couldn't take a breath without them, it dawned on me I had been breathing for a year just fine. 

About a week ago, I was trolling the internet as I do when I am getting in my own way....and discovered that person had gotten married.  They looked so happy, for the first time I can honestly say I had nothing but pure joy and love for them.  It felt good, then I turned off the computer and went about my day. 

So here I sit with my broken heart again, a little more road worn, a little more understanding, knowing deep inside that I made the right choices and as much as it hurts at times I will be ok again.

One day I'll wake up, breathe deep, realize I am alive and have healed once more! 

Actually writing all this made me feel better.  Thank you for listening. 

Light and Love. 

You either die or you don't

Charlie Sheen and Mike Starr.  Yes addicts, alcoholics, yes.  My people.

My heart goes out to both of them.  Mike because he tried to have a life of recovery and just couldn't get "it" and Charlie because it's such a sad case, he's so far gone.  Neither one of them have any idea of what impact they are making on the lives of their families.  Addiction is such a selfish disease.  It's so sick.  At least Mike Starr's suffering is over.  He couldn't do it and he died.

Charlie Sheen just continues to reap his horrible drama in front of the camera.  This is the example of why I gave up TV.  Watching him makes me so sad yet grateful that I don't have to live that way anymore.  Unfortunately the press eats this up and he continues to be front page news, which only makes Charlie believe that his behavior is acceptable.  I can't imagine what his family and children are going through having his antics splashed across the front page of every paper in America.

Anyway, I just wanted to mention something about addiction/alcoholism and as a recovering alcoholic seeing these people just reminds me that I'm on the right path and so grateful for the life I've been given.  It also reminds me I don't EVER want to return to that life.

For the past three days I've been really sick with some crazy flu.  It's seriously bumming me out.  After the breathing workshop and dynamic meditation we did in class this weekend about 1/2 of my teacher training class is out sick.  

I started to write about the weekend, but it was so intense I think I need to reflect a bit more on what took place before I can share it with people.  I mentioned a small part to a friend the other day who started to give me some really interesting feedback but I wasn't ready for it. 

Right now I feel awful so I'm going to take a nap then do some more work.  I hate being sick.

There are a bunch of things I want to write about that have taken place over the past few days besides the crazy workshops with school.  Some healing that felt nice, soon I'll write about it.  My heads too filled with illness to get anything straight at the moment.

Oh one last thing.  My dearest dearest friend Mickey is in a great play at Ensemble Studio Theatre called White People.  It ends this Sunday.  If you haven't seen it, check it out.  Here is the link.  I'm going to desperately try to see it one more time before the run is over, it's good, funny and at moments very uncomfortable.  I highly recommend.

http://ensemblestudiotheatre.org/now-playing/current-productions/white-people/ 

One more, my friends Daron Murphy & Laura Dawn had a fire in their apartment while they were out of town and lost everything!  Including their two kitties.  They had no insurance and are only left with the clothing on their backs.  If you would like to donate to them please do.  They are such good people and my heart goes out to them.  Here is the info

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=187191121322058

Ok that's all, I would put the info about the senior centers being closed too, but I'm too tired.  We'll post that next time.

love.