1200 Miles - Part 1

In the midst of this past winter polar vortex my boyfriend Joe and I struggled to come up with a vacation we could take to get out of the midwest and see some better weather.  

We looked over every possible place people go, Mexico, Caribbean, Hawaii, Greece, etc. After weeks of research and slight depression, we found we had either been there, were drawn to a place that was way to expensive (at least for my budget) or the destination seemed too pedestrian to put it mildly.  (As a newer Detroit transplant I learned that getting to anywhere interesting from Detroit is a complete pain in the ass and takes at least 3 flight changes). 

Finally we decided we would wait until May and celebrate my birthday by traveling to the west coast, a driving trip, seeing sights and visiting friends from LA (my hometown) up to Seattle (where Joe used to live/work in the grunge filled 90s). 

13 days of driving....aprox 1200+ miles with our detours

LOS ANGELES

Starting in LA we spent a few nights as guests of a friend, who was gracious and loaned us his early 1960 John Lautner designed house in the Hollywood Hills to set up camp.  Not a bad way to start, we spent our mornings watching the sunrise over the Griffith Observatory (a benefit of traveling backwards in time 3 hours), taking to his steam room, swimming and hiking in the hills surrounding the house.  Quick visits with close friends allowed us to eat at some new and old favs including Gracias Madre, Cafe Gratitude, El Coyote (which I didn't realize there was a boycott of until after I ate there, sorry), Cafe Habana Malibu (she owners who treated us very well, thank you again), The Ivy and Moon of Tunis.  We left LA tired, bellies full and happy to see so many people.  Oh if you haven't been to Gracias Madre, my little sister Devon gave me the best advise, which I didn't listen to but will pass on to you because she is correct, don't order everything, they serve a lot of food. You will fill up quickly.  It's true, we did, and then of course I heard that from four other people after the fact.  Gracias Madre is a good place for big groups too. 

(side note: if we didn't get to see you, I whole heartedly apologize, visiting LA is always difficult for me, trying to cram so many people into so few hours)

Oh LA, how do I sum up thee...at least to me.

The LA of my childhood is long gone, it makes me very sad, the replacement is not for me, although I do love your food, sadly there is no decent coffee, I'll miss your sunshine, spanish architecture and of course my friends.  

It will probably be a while until I see you again.

OJAI & RAGGED POINT

Moby suggested we stop in Ojai to check it out as Joe had never been and apparently there was a new vegan restaurant up there, so we made a short side trip on our ride up Highway 1 to Ojai. 

Quick stop in Ojai.  We drove along the main drag around 5pm on a Sunday afternoon, checked out some houses in the surrounding neighborhoods and pulled into Hip Vegan Cafe with 30 mins to spare.  I had eaten here a few years prior with my friend Myriam after a photo shoot on a horse ranch in the area.  They updated the inside of Hip Vegan, it's still tiny, I had the best sandwich ever, Ray's Ruben, don't ask, just order it, fantastic.  Joe's sandwich was good but less memorable than the ruben, he was trying to eat healthy, I gave that up when I saw Ray's Ruben description, I believe I saw him sulk slightly at his hippie sammy because mine was so terrific.  I like eating at Hip Vegan because the tables are communal outside and you sit under olive trees. Very pretty, very California hidden away community.  Everyone looked like they just left Coachella and came to Ojai for vegan food. Ojai reminds me of Palm Springs back when I was a kid minus the sprinkling of hipsters.  I still don't know which vegan place Moby was talking about in Ojai, but Hip Vegan is still the place for me. 

Once we left Ojai we began the long beautiful drive to Ragged Point, CA, just north of San Simeon where Hearst Castle stands.

Long drive....the sun was relentless, did I mention we are driving a convertible Chevy Camaro? 

It's easy to forget how incredible California is when you only drive the 10, 5 and 405 freeways.  If you haven't driven the 101 past Zuma in a while please do, it will remind you of how special the state of California is, plus it's nice and relaxing. 

Several hours later we made it to Hearst Castle only to be asked to leave by a stern park ranger.  Insert sad face..."rosebud"  

11 more miles and we checked in to The Ragged Point Inn.  

Now I highly recommend The Ragged Point Inn, the view and property are outstanding.  You can hike down the cliffs to the ocean, the rooms are a little sparse although they have electric fireplaces to keep you warm and that spectacular view.  The restaurant, eh, ok.  Nothing to write home about, we had dinner next to some very loud and opinionated South Africans, that was it. The next morning we had our first cup of decent good coffee at the coffee stand and got to speak with the lovely man that works there, I think his name was Rory, his daughter is Jena Malone, the actress.  We were going to stay in Ragged Point for two nights but discovered it was quite further than we thought from Big Sur so we packed it in and headed north on the 1....

View Of Downtown LA

Sunrise Over Griffith Observatory 

Joe at Hip Vegan Cafe in Ojai (notice olive trees in back of him)

View Outside Room at Ragged Point Inn

More Ragged Point View

Happiness Vs Misery

Love.

Jeeus.  How many entries have I written about love, love of self, another person, animals, a song, anything?

So much of my life has been in search for many types of love and acceptance. 

It feels like those two things go together well. 

Being truly loved, at least for me, is to be accepted for the person you are, 100%, no bullshit, no lies, no faking.  This is who I am, flaws and all.

But you have to understand who you are first to be truly loved.  At least that's how it happened for me.

Recently I wrote about loving myself, accepting myself after years of self dislike which manifested in the dislike of others.

This took years of work, real work to get here.  Leaving a marriage that destroyed the essence of who I really was inside, putting down the drink, looking at myself and tearing everything apart to understand who I was, what made me whole. 

The journey is never complete, although we can get to a place where we begin to feel good, we understand and accept ourselves, eventually loving ourselves.

Some people are just born lucky, they are born with self love.  I guess we are all and then the outside elements help destroy it creating self doubt which leads to self dislike.  I'm really trying to stay away from the word hatred here. In the past I thought I may have hated myself at times, I don't think I did, if I did I don't believe I would be alive to write this entry.  I think I just really disliked myself enough to make myself a miserable human being. I was not one of those lucky humans.

My self love took years to develop.  

Once I finally arrived I realized why I couldn't have been loved or loved someone in the past. Me truly loving someone? impossible.  How could someone filled with anger and self dislike love someone else?  We don't, we grab hold of the first available victim and take them hostage!  Well, it's not that dramatic and 99% of the time both parties involved are equally as sick.  The sick are attracted to the sick, the well, the well.  This is just the way it goes.

If you are miserable, misery follows.  Once you let go and love yourself enough to let happiness in, it will follow, grab hold and set up house keeping.

Take a look at yourself today.  Do you want to be truly happy?  Or are you content just being where you are?

For me truly happy is the only option. 

Finding Love In Yourself

I've been on a spiritual journey for several years now.  

Recently I dove in head first to really move myself forward as I had halted my path for a bit getting adjusted to living in a new city and making new friends. 

Truth is I have never fully loved myself.  I loved pieces of myself at different times of my life, but never fully loved me.

My whole life I faked my love for myself.  I never thought I was attractive, my body was never good enough, I wasn't smart enough, because of this dislike and insecurity in myself I seethed hatred for myself and others.  Perhaps not outwardly all the time, but it was there, for years I was drunk so that numbed my pain and made it tolerable to be around myself and other people.

Earlier this year I ended a serious relationship, really one of the first long term relationships I've had in sobriety.  This relationship helped me see all of the ways in the past I enabled my partners, not loving myself enough to believe I was worthy of someone actually loving me.  Loving me for who I really was, not for what I could give them or who my friends were. 

Oddly I also understood that the task of someone loving me for myself was impossible in the past, because I never loved myself. 

Upon ending this relationship I started my understand my worth and with that I had uncovered a smidgen of love for myself, true love.  

Feeling good and feeling love I began to attract all types of people into my life.  Positive people who really liked me for me.  The first time in my life I could be myself without being attached to a name, brand, another person or job.  It was freeing.

A few weeks ago a new friend I made asked me, "How does it feel to no longer be fascinating?" Oddly enough I didn't take offence to the question.  To tell the truth it's freeing to not be attached to all of the material things or outside things of my old life.  Learning how to be myself in the past year has been a wonderful and trying journey.  We talked for a while about our spiritual paths and my friend retracted his statement, "You are still fascinating."  

Life today is quiet, it's not glamorous, no longer filled with wild parties, rock stars and such.  My life today is filled with love and understanding of myself, that grows daily.

This summer I had a brief affair that gave me all the things I thought I wanted from a romance.  Attention, kind words, amazing sex, no commitment, for a while it was terrific.  Then I was challenged through my spiritual work with a task to no longer have sex without commitment or love for 30 days.  It threw a monkey wrench in my simple non committed affair.  

As my 30 days passed I realized that my summer romance was just empty.  My love for myself grew in this time, I was able to give myself the respect I deserved.   I ended it. 

During my 30 days I knew I no longer wanted just a quick romance or affair.  I loved myself and I was ready to love someone else.  This person wasn't the one, he was kind and fun, but not my soul mate.  I was able to detach with love for them, myself and to hopefully be a friend to this person moving forward. 

Loving myself, showing up for myself and giving myself the respect I finally deserve has given me the best gift of my life, understand and inner peace.

It took a long time to get here, it was so worth the journey.  

I'm going to continue my work, life just keeps getting better. 

Namaste

Beautiful Life

I am blessed.  

Tonight during a wonderful slow flow/yin class with Nick Presser (take class with him at Yoga Shelter Midtown) I started smiling and became filled with the full appreciation of life. My life.

Like any human I have hard days, challenges and wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  But I wake up, every day, I'm living my dash.

A few years ago my dear friend Jake told me the story of Living Your Dash and I was so inspired I wrote a blog entry on it, still one of the most favorite things I've ever written.

LIVE YOUR DASH BLOG

Lately I'm living my dash more than ever, making incredible friends in my new city of Detroit, hanging out with my 97 year old Grandmother, working with my Father, falling in love with biking & hula hooping, picking organic fruits and veggies on my friends' farm, walking down by the river, swimming at Belle Isle, traveling, practicing yoga and meditation.

Tonight I felt strong in yoga class, my body felt strong, I took deep breaths and smiled, laughed.  Life is an incredible gift.  Appreciate it, respect it, live your dash....

I hate addiction, I hate senseless death, I hate waking up with anxiety

Yes I'm using the word hate.

I hate addiction, I hate senseless death, I hate waking up with anxiety in my head that manifests itself into my own insanity.

Thank god I am sober, thank god I have found something greater than myself to help me in my life, to give me the a life beyond my dreams.  

I am one of the lucky ones...today.

This poor kid from Glee.  People don't die at 31 in hotel rooms naturally.  They die from overdoses, they die from addiction.  He had a history, my heart breaks for his family because there is NOTHING anyone can do for an addict until they are ready to help themselves. It's insanity.

And the poor family of Treyvon Martin...and the world.  Another group of broken hearts. For a child that is gunned down, for racism that still exists so blatantly, for injustice.  A black woman gets 20 years for shooting a gun and this man gets nothing for killing in cold blood?  Insanity again.

Most days I am full of gratitude for my life, I am happy and want to give back to others the joy and love that I feel almost all the time.

Today I am sad.  Today I woke up filled with anxiety, my own demons rising.  

So I meditated.  It helped. I prayed, it helped.

I will go teach yoga, then I will take yoga, this will help.  

I will reach out to another addict, this will help.

I will use every tool in my tool box to stay sober and share my gift with others, today.

Then tomorrow I will wake up and do it again.  

I am a work in progress, I will be forever, that is ok.  

Rest in peace angels, may you find comfort somewhere. 

Healing Your Heart With Clarity And Good Friends

I had my heart broken recently.  The end of another relationship, I've been here before, although I don't speak about it with others very often I walk around with an empty feeling a good portion of the time, constantly working to heal myself and understand that I am worthy of real love.  Sometimes that is hard especially when you feel kicked to the curb, disposable. 

The 10 months I spent with this person seems like an eternity now.  So much happened, I worked hard at the relationship, seeing my part in issues, he just absorbed and did not reciprocate.

Leaving the relationship was a good thing, I immediately felt a sense of relief, although it doesn't mean it was easy or not painful.

Yesterday my friend asked me what I saw in my partner of 10 months, I honestly couldn't remember, so I lied to try to legitimize the sadness I have been carrying around.

The truth is he treated me poorly, I lied to myself constantly trying to make excuses for his behavior.  He used the goodness I brought and then tried to blame me for his issues.  

No one person can be responsible for the end of a relationship, it takes two to tango.  I understand my part and I take responsibility for my actions.

Now that I can see it for what it really was I hope that my healing process can begin.  He drained me of my open heart, of trust and faith in love.

Yesterday I was able to spend the day with one of my dearest friends visiting Detroit.  It really reminded me of the magic a true friend can bring into your life.  No judgements, just being yourself, loving you for the person you are, faults and all, compassion.

I feel grateful for my friends, new and old.  They have always been there for me, they are my family, my touchstones, my heart.  Being away from most of them this past year has been incredibly hard, I miss the support they provide on a daily basis, and although I talk to people often it really is different when you have them right in front of you.

So my dear heart, please heal again.  You are worthy of great and true love.  You have a lot of love in your life and please allow yourself to open back up to accept what the future will bring.

Knowing Yourself

It takes a lifetime to really know yourself, and even then you continue to discover things about your true self.

Getting to know yourself is a process.  For me, it wasn't until I was in my mid 30s that I felt really comfortable with my outside shell.  Even at that time my foundation of who I thought I was could still be shaken.

I am a work in process, this is something I am extremely comfortable and proud to say. I have to remember there is light inside me and I need to stay true to it to bring it to the world. 

With every day, job or relationship that passes I learn more about who I am at my core.  What I will accept or what makes me feel whole.

Recently I had a rough few weeks, thoughts of self doubt constantly appeared.  Had this move to Detroit really changed me?  Or was it the elements that I had in my life that were making me unhappy, thus causing me to react negatively? 

Through a lot of thought, memories, discussions with friends I had to look at my part in circumstances that had evolved.

Although it was scary, the element of the unknown standing in front of me, I removed myself from situations that had caused me to put myself on the back burner and move on. 

Immediately I felt a sense of relief, I had been through things like this before, I acknowledged my part, how I needed to take care of myself and I acted. 

Knowing yourself is important, being true to who you are and staying the course. My friend Eoin reminded me that we are here for a purpose, to be a conduit for love.  I can't begin to thank him enough.  It is hard to remember but when we stay true to ourselves we can let that love shine to the rest of the world.  

And the world really needs it.