Everything happens exactly as it should, we are all on a path, I believe before we join this human experience our soul commits to a path, with the objective to learn and grow from lessons we failed to learn on our last journey, we grow when we hopefully achieve our pre-arranged goals and continue on to the next level.
I was not born knowing this information, my beliefs are based on many years of acquiring knowledge from spirits more evolved than myself.
Faith is why I believe in all of this, my parents bestowed on me the middle name of Faith and for years I had none. It was only when I returned to my path in 2009 that I began my true journey to understand what my purpose is while I'm in our human world.
I truly believe that my first step was getting sober, it was only through that small amount of clarity at 6 months of sobriety I was able to accept with real understanding the growth on my brain. Through that beautiful gift I was able understand how important it was to not sweat the small stuff, be grateful for life and in that begin a journey to seek myself. This is all very easy to forget by the way, we are all a work in progress.
With the gift of sobriety and a brain cyst I was able to move forward, understanding that being of service to others was important and made me feel good. I tried to be of service while seeking more information on how to be further in touch with the god of my understanding, building my faith in something bigger than myself.
Later I could detach from people, places and things with love, while slowly beginning to love myself.
The past three years have been a challenging part of my journey, with my faith I was able to make a huge move to Detroit and spend quality time building important relationships with my Grandmother and Father, relationships I always wanted as a child but unfortunately couldn't have until now.
I opened my heart and was able to love someone as a sober woman, but lost myself along the way reverting back to fear which ruled many of my relationships in the past and complacency which also sprung up from past experiences I didn't out grow. I lost my Grandmother, and only because of a return to my spiritual work I was able to accept her death and be present for myself, my Grandmother and my family.
I lost my love, which was and is painful, through this lI learned that the true loss I had suffered was within myself and leaving gave me the gift of returning to the piece of my life that helps keep me on my spiritual path.
The understanding of my journey, continuing the work daily, this is what makes me who I am, this work returns me to my path when I step off, it helps me to heal, grow, detach with love and is a constant reminder that my higher power works through me, if I stop the work the darkness grows, you can't have light without dark, but you can decide to continue to shine.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
In ______ We Trust?
I've been in contemplation over what to write about next for a few days now. On several occasions I've started posts on various topics and have abandoned ship, it wasn't that the topics weren't good, it might have been my mood, not being ready to go in that direction or sometimes just plan bad/scary/awful material. Hey we aren't perfect, and if you were one of the lucky few to read "I Never Said I Was A Lady," before it came down you know I have never claimed to be either perfect nor a lady.
Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me. I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do. It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person. Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work. I'm one of the many.
If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood. For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations. I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow. As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California. My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life. As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused. Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues. She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface. Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.
Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation. As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust. I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated. It was really quite confusing.
Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening.
Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.
Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell. Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends. Add that on to the trust issues, gross right? I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?" Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet. Kinda cool. But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it."
After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings. Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.
Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me. I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do. It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person. Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work. I'm one of the many.
If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood. For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations. I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow. As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California. My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life. As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused. Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues. She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface. Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.
Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation. As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust. I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated. It was really quite confusing.
Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening.
Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.
Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell. Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends. Add that on to the trust issues, gross right? I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?" Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet. Kinda cool. But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it."
After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings. Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Saying Goodbye
About 3 years ago I was living in Brooklyn and my grandmother had recently moved back to West Bloomfield from years in Ft Lauderdale after her long time companion Bill had gotten ill.
She seemed very sad depressed.
On a telephone call she said to me, “I wish you lived here so we could be closer.” A light went off in my head after we hung up, “I could move to Detroit, couldn’t I? Be closer to my grandmother and help take care of her.” Three months later I found myself packed up and on my way to live in Detroit.
It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has been an honor to help take care of my Nana for the past 2 years and 9 months.
We had a very special relationship, it was more than just grandmother and granddaughter, we became friends. We talked about things in deep confidence. She trusted me and I was honored.
Family had always been the most important thing to my grandmother and there were many things that took place in our family that had caused our family to grow apart. This was something that shook her core.
When we were told that Dorothy was in the last hours of her life, she defied the medical experts and stayed with us for several more days. Family gathered at her bedside to love her and say goodbye, she stayed with us. We worried she was struggling and were perplexed with what it could be about; I had my personal thoughts on her fears and faith although Tyra one of her caregivers told me recently her faith seemed restored.
On Thursday a caring social working suggested that maybe she needed to hear goodbye from people who hadn’t been near all week, we jumped on the phone with every family and friend we could think of to help her on her journey.
After we were done, several cousins and I sat feeling good about the work we had finished. We also realized that we had not been this close since we were children and through Dorothy our love and connection had been rekindled. We promised to honor her, our family and ourselves by staying in each others lives.
45 mins after our realization my grandmother passed peacefully as I held her hand along with my father, my cousins Bradley and Jennifer and Teresa her incredible caregiver.
After she passed we realized she hadn’t been struggling with her own issues, she needed us to do our work before she could leave. She needed us to be ok, she needed her family to come together and be a family again.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Beautiful Life
I am blessed.
Tonight during a wonderful slow flow/yin class with Nick Presser (take class with him at Yoga Shelter Midtown) I started smiling and became filled with the full appreciation of life. My life.
Like any human I have hard days, challenges and wake up on the wrong side of the bed. But I wake up, every day, I'm living my dash.
A few years ago my dear friend Jake told me the story of Living Your Dash and I was so inspired I wrote a blog entry on it, still one of the most favorite things I've ever written.
LIVE YOUR DASH BLOG
Lately I'm living my dash more than ever, making incredible friends in my new city of Detroit, hanging out with my 97 year old Grandmother, working with my Father, falling in love with biking & hula hooping, picking organic fruits and veggies on my friends' farm, walking down by the river, swimming at Belle Isle, traveling, practicing yoga and meditation.
Tonight I felt strong in yoga class, my body felt strong, I took deep breaths and smiled, laughed. Life is an incredible gift. Appreciate it, respect it, live your dash....
Tonight during a wonderful slow flow/yin class with Nick Presser (take class with him at Yoga Shelter Midtown) I started smiling and became filled with the full appreciation of life. My life.
Like any human I have hard days, challenges and wake up on the wrong side of the bed. But I wake up, every day, I'm living my dash.
A few years ago my dear friend Jake told me the story of Living Your Dash and I was so inspired I wrote a blog entry on it, still one of the most favorite things I've ever written.
LIVE YOUR DASH BLOG
Lately I'm living my dash more than ever, making incredible friends in my new city of Detroit, hanging out with my 97 year old Grandmother, working with my Father, falling in love with biking & hula hooping, picking organic fruits and veggies on my friends' farm, walking down by the river, swimming at Belle Isle, traveling, practicing yoga and meditation.
Tonight I felt strong in yoga class, my body felt strong, I took deep breaths and smiled, laughed. Life is an incredible gift. Appreciate it, respect it, live your dash....
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Bitter, The Sweet and Things In between
Hello Hello. Is this thing on?
My its been a while since I've written and so many things have been happening in my little Brooklyn world.
Lulu is well. She's had a birthday (now 14), is still deaf and loves to sleep approximately 22.5 hours a day. Lulu is also enjoying the constant supply of chicken bones on the streets of South Slope, I do not enjoy fishing them out of her tiny mouth. (I plead to these chicken carcass lovers to stop throwing bones on the sidewalk, it's crazy!!!)
Park Slope is still here, fall is all over the place, the community garden across from my place looks sad, leaves off the willow, flower beds all closed up, no more garden yoga in 2011....sniff sniff, sad face.
My summer friends from Puerto Rico have gone home to school. I never dreamed I would spend summer evenings playing dominos with 7 & 9 year old in the garden, I don't speak Spanish, they didn't speak English, yet hours of fun were had by all.
Recently my days are filled with fashion, writing music trivia and yoga. My evenings have laughter, lovely friends and currently a bit of delightful romance (he's admitted to reading my blog, hello handsome...is it Weds yet?).
Thanksgiving brought my entire family down to Louisville to enjoy time with my new nephew, Benjamin Eli, a not so tiny bundle of joy, he sleeps, he eats, he poops....that's about all. I realize again that babies are not fun until they start moving around.
Patti Smith's Just Kids rocked my world for two days, non stop read, inspiring and exciting me.
I've knitted up a storm. There are some hats and a few scarves that need loving homes.
My first flu of the season kicked my ass. Four weeks of suffering helped me develop an obsession with Gossip Girl. Oh Blair & Chuck, can you please just realize you need to be together! You're killing me!!
A quick trip out to LA with my friend Kimzo to raise $$ for the animals and a visit with Senor Moby were a special treat.
Most of all fall has woken up my senses. My yoga practice is in full swing, meditation is connecting me to a power greater than myself and fall fashion, lots of layers and silly furry hats have become my daily dress up routine. Dearest Mother Nature, please keep the weather cool, I have so many outfits to wear before I don a giant puffer coat in Jan/Feb.
So before I leave you for the night and begin my big writing session, I give you a list of things that are making me happy at the moment.
a. Apples (Fuji)
b. Bodies (the exhibit)
c. Clementines
d. Dogs, Lulu, Matza & Lox
e. Eating vegan! Go Green!
f. Fred, missing him and gratitude for having 13 years with him
g. Ginger Yogi Tea w almond milk & sugar
h. Hugs from kids in my yoga class
i. Ice cream, coconut base chocolate with brownies and sharing it with someone special
j. Jivamukti Yoga
k. Knowing the movie Foul Play exists
l. Lavender body scrub from Trader Joe's
m. Midnight In Paris
n. Noel Gallahger's High Flying Birds
o. OMG, my fav thing to text because my friends are always surprising me
p. Patti Smith "because the night belongs to lovers....." & Peanut Chews
q. Q tile in Scrabble, so many points, limited options
r. romance, someone that makes the butterflies appear
s. Sexy texts
t. twittering with Myriam, Zoe, Kim & Julia
u. ukulele, playing, listening, singing along
v. Visits from Moby, Myriam & Julia
w. water, cold, hot, room temp, bubbles...it's all good
x. X Live From The Whiskey A Go Go
y. YSL red lipstick
z. Z Pak, cures the 4 week flu bug
My its been a while since I've written and so many things have been happening in my little Brooklyn world.
Lulu is well. She's had a birthday (now 14), is still deaf and loves to sleep approximately 22.5 hours a day. Lulu is also enjoying the constant supply of chicken bones on the streets of South Slope, I do not enjoy fishing them out of her tiny mouth. (I plead to these chicken carcass lovers to stop throwing bones on the sidewalk, it's crazy!!!)
Park Slope is still here, fall is all over the place, the community garden across from my place looks sad, leaves off the willow, flower beds all closed up, no more garden yoga in 2011....sniff sniff, sad face.
My summer friends from Puerto Rico have gone home to school. I never dreamed I would spend summer evenings playing dominos with 7 & 9 year old in the garden, I don't speak Spanish, they didn't speak English, yet hours of fun were had by all.
Recently my days are filled with fashion, writing music trivia and yoga. My evenings have laughter, lovely friends and currently a bit of delightful romance (he's admitted to reading my blog, hello handsome...is it Weds yet?).
Thanksgiving brought my entire family down to Louisville to enjoy time with my new nephew, Benjamin Eli, a not so tiny bundle of joy, he sleeps, he eats, he poops....that's about all. I realize again that babies are not fun until they start moving around.
Patti Smith's Just Kids rocked my world for two days, non stop read, inspiring and exciting me.
I've knitted up a storm. There are some hats and a few scarves that need loving homes.
My first flu of the season kicked my ass. Four weeks of suffering helped me develop an obsession with Gossip Girl. Oh Blair & Chuck, can you please just realize you need to be together! You're killing me!!
A quick trip out to LA with my friend Kimzo to raise $$ for the animals and a visit with Senor Moby were a special treat.
Most of all fall has woken up my senses. My yoga practice is in full swing, meditation is connecting me to a power greater than myself and fall fashion, lots of layers and silly furry hats have become my daily dress up routine. Dearest Mother Nature, please keep the weather cool, I have so many outfits to wear before I don a giant puffer coat in Jan/Feb.
So before I leave you for the night and begin my big writing session, I give you a list of things that are making me happy at the moment.
a. Apples (Fuji)
b. Bodies (the exhibit)
c. Clementines
d. Dogs, Lulu, Matza & Lox
e. Eating vegan! Go Green!
f. Fred, missing him and gratitude for having 13 years with him
g. Ginger Yogi Tea w almond milk & sugar
h. Hugs from kids in my yoga class
i. Ice cream, coconut base chocolate with brownies and sharing it with someone special
j. Jivamukti Yoga
k. Knowing the movie Foul Play exists
l. Lavender body scrub from Trader Joe's
m. Midnight In Paris
n. Noel Gallahger's High Flying Birds
o. OMG, my fav thing to text because my friends are always surprising me
p. Patti Smith "because the night belongs to lovers....." & Peanut Chews
q. Q tile in Scrabble, so many points, limited options
r. romance, someone that makes the butterflies appear
s. Sexy texts
t. twittering with Myriam, Zoe, Kim & Julia
u. ukulele, playing, listening, singing along
v. Visits from Moby, Myriam & Julia
w. water, cold, hot, room temp, bubbles...it's all good
x. X Live From The Whiskey A Go Go
y. YSL red lipstick
z. Z Pak, cures the 4 week flu bug
My niece Norah
Lulu on vacation with Uncle Kev
My family laughing, awesomeness
Benjamin Eli
Me and my super fantastic friend Kimzo
And this little guy...I really love him
It's big, it's green, it's THE TREE!!!
Funny Sticker on Prospect Ave & 4th Ave
Sunset over Castle Hall....Perfect Zen
G-nite people of the world. Thanks for checking in with me.
Be nice to each other, we're only here once and it feels good.
xo
Shan
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