Clearly when love is lost your mind tells you it will never happen again. We've all been there once, twice, who can count the times? Well, maybe some of us can. The last few days music has been reminding me of times of my life I felt love, or thought I was in love. Today was a large musical walk down memory lane.
It's funny what can trigger a feeling. When you get sober you are advised to stay away from people, places and things that trigger feelings to drink. Most of the time you have to learn the hard way, doing something stupid, wanting to drink then going to an AA meeting and talking about it, you learn not to do it again, if you're one of the lucky ones.
Music was my trigger today but in a positive way, it made me nostalgic. Nostalgia equals happy memories.
Hearing some songs earlier triggered a very happy time in my life, today I felt very nostalgic for love, not the love i recently lost but for a love I had a long time ago.
This love was not perfect, it's highs and lows were intense, this love was just like a movie.
It had all the bells and whistles. I remember the moment I thought, "oh good lord, you are in big trouble now," looking at him standing outside a bar in the East Village sharing a cigarette in the rain.
We had a great love for a short time and great romance, it was filled with laughter, passion and drama.
One Christmas we went to the movies to see, "Benjamin Button" and during the most romantic part of the film where Cate Blanchette and Brad Pitt were the same age, living in their one room apartment with a mattress on the floor, never leaving except to get food, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "that reminds me of us."
Today I felt nostalgic for a moment in time, music reconnected me for a little while. I believe it reminded me that hearts can mend and love is ever present if you want it. Each love is unique and as we grow the heart needs different things.
It's nice to be nostalgic for a bit, I think it cracked my heart open a little more, and when the heart opens the light is able to get in.
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
In ______ We Trust?
I've been in contemplation over what to write about next for a few days now. On several occasions I've started posts on various topics and have abandoned ship, it wasn't that the topics weren't good, it might have been my mood, not being ready to go in that direction or sometimes just plan bad/scary/awful material. Hey we aren't perfect, and if you were one of the lucky few to read "I Never Said I Was A Lady," before it came down you know I have never claimed to be either perfect nor a lady.
Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me. I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do. It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person. Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work. I'm one of the many.
If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood. For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations. I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow. As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California. My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life. As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused. Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues. She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface. Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.
Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation. As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust. I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated. It was really quite confusing.
Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening.
Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.
Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell. Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends. Add that on to the trust issues, gross right? I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?" Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet. Kinda cool. But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it."
After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings. Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.
Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me. I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do. It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person. Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work. I'm one of the many.
If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood. For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations. I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow. As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California. My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life. As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused. Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues. She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface. Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.
Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation. As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust. I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated. It was really quite confusing.
Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening.
Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.
Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell. Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends. Add that on to the trust issues, gross right? I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?" Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet. Kinda cool. But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it."
After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings. Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.
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