Clearly when love is lost your mind tells you it will never happen again. We've all been there once, twice, who can count the times? Well, maybe some of us can. The last few days music has been reminding me of times of my life I felt love, or thought I was in love. Today was a large musical walk down memory lane.
It's funny what can trigger a feeling. When you get sober you are advised to stay away from people, places and things that trigger feelings to drink. Most of the time you have to learn the hard way, doing something stupid, wanting to drink then going to an AA meeting and talking about it, you learn not to do it again, if you're one of the lucky ones.
Music was my trigger today but in a positive way, it made me nostalgic. Nostalgia equals happy memories.
Hearing some songs earlier triggered a very happy time in my life, today I felt very nostalgic for love, not the love i recently lost but for a love I had a long time ago.
This love was not perfect, it's highs and lows were intense, this love was just like a movie.
It had all the bells and whistles. I remember the moment I thought, "oh good lord, you are in big trouble now," looking at him standing outside a bar in the East Village sharing a cigarette in the rain.
We had a great love for a short time and great romance, it was filled with laughter, passion and drama.
One Christmas we went to the movies to see, "Benjamin Button" and during the most romantic part of the film where Cate Blanchette and Brad Pitt were the same age, living in their one room apartment with a mattress on the floor, never leaving except to get food, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "that reminds me of us."
Today I felt nostalgic for a moment in time, music reconnected me for a little while. I believe it reminded me that hearts can mend and love is ever present if you want it. Each love is unique and as we grow the heart needs different things.
It's nice to be nostalgic for a bit, I think it cracked my heart open a little more, and when the heart opens the light is able to get in.
Showing posts with label romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label romance. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2015
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
In ______ We Trust?
I've been in contemplation over what to write about next for a few days now. On several occasions I've started posts on various topics and have abandoned ship, it wasn't that the topics weren't good, it might have been my mood, not being ready to go in that direction or sometimes just plan bad/scary/awful material. Hey we aren't perfect, and if you were one of the lucky few to read "I Never Said I Was A Lady," before it came down you know I have never claimed to be either perfect nor a lady.
Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me. I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do. It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person. Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work. I'm one of the many.
If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood. For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations. I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow. As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California. My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life. As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused. Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues. She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface. Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.
Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation. As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust. I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated. It was really quite confusing.
Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening.
Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.
Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell. Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends. Add that on to the trust issues, gross right? I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?" Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet. Kinda cool. But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it."
After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings. Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.
Today I'm finally ready to talk about trust, this goes deep for me. I have trust issues, and I believe many of us do. It really starts with childhood, feeling safe and taken care of by our family/parents will develop wonderful trust in a person. Sadly for many of us that isn't the case and we never quite move past that even with a lot of work. I'm one of the many.
If you know me I don't often talk about my childhood. For the most part I can't remember a lot of it, which I believe is a safety mechanism the brain activates to help us forget extremely painful situations. I'm writing about this not for sympathy or to place blame but for others to learn and hopeful grow. As a very young child my Mother left my Father and our entire family in a suburb outside of Michigan in which I have very fond memories to move to Los Angeles, California. My Mother is a sick and suffering alcoholic with many many issues and I will leave it at that, I no longer choose to have her in my life. As a child she put me in many situations where my life was endangered, from being kidnapped to being sexually, mentally and physically abused. Now you many understand where I am getting to with the trust issues. She also worked very hard on brain washing me into thinking my Father was a horrible person, it's so deep and sick I can't even begin to scratch the surface. Writing about my Mother could take up many blog entries so I won't go too far down that road.
Clearly being in that type of environment sears mistrust into you deeply. Oddly enough I found the good in people over the bad in almost every situation. As I got older people would pop up in my life and show me small sparks of goodness that helped me build trust. I did have faith I just didn't really understand it yet. I also had a very deep case of daddy issues, trying to find the love I was denied by my Mother in a Father Daughter relationship in men I dated. It was really quite confusing.
Having a surprisingly open heart I trusted men in my relationships, and often was severally disappointed when they could not deliver what I wanted, looking back, I had no idea what I wanted, but whatever it was it wasn't happening.
Being an active alcoholic for many years did not help this situation, it numbed the anger toward my Mother but left me very vulnerable in romantic relationships and friendships.
Because of the work I used to do, I also realized that at times people dated me to be apart of an exciting life, which hurt like hell. Yes they liked me, but they REALLY liked my extra ordinary life and celebrity friends. Add that on to the trust issues, gross right? I'm living a pretty regular life now I try to keep that part of my past quiet until I feel secure enough to let someone in, seriously, some of it is pretty wild even I think, "did that really happen?" Tonight I was listening to the radio and Bill Wither's, "Lean On Me" came on, I started singing and remembered I didn't know who he was when he came to look at guitars in my office during the Song Writers Hall Of Fame rehearsals and he was kind enough to school me by playing "Ain't No Sunshine" for me privately in a room so small you could call it a coat closet. Kinda cool. But things like that happened to me every day for many many years, how to do just drop that on someone and expect them to be like, "yeah, I get it."
After 5 1/2 years of sobriety, several years of therapy I am still working on trust only trying to approach with different understandings. Knowing how I wanted to be treated in relationships romantic or friendly, understanding who I am as a person, how I treat and handle all relationships myself, understanding mine and their limitations, being accepting of them and really down deep knowing that I can't change anyone except myself and that the only thing I can truly trust is a power higher greater than myself, that power isn't human, it's bigger, no human can relieve my suffering, my issues, my pain, only god and I can work together on that one.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Bitter, The Sweet and Things In between
Hello Hello. Is this thing on?
My its been a while since I've written and so many things have been happening in my little Brooklyn world.
Lulu is well. She's had a birthday (now 14), is still deaf and loves to sleep approximately 22.5 hours a day. Lulu is also enjoying the constant supply of chicken bones on the streets of South Slope, I do not enjoy fishing them out of her tiny mouth. (I plead to these chicken carcass lovers to stop throwing bones on the sidewalk, it's crazy!!!)
Park Slope is still here, fall is all over the place, the community garden across from my place looks sad, leaves off the willow, flower beds all closed up, no more garden yoga in 2011....sniff sniff, sad face.
My summer friends from Puerto Rico have gone home to school. I never dreamed I would spend summer evenings playing dominos with 7 & 9 year old in the garden, I don't speak Spanish, they didn't speak English, yet hours of fun were had by all.
Recently my days are filled with fashion, writing music trivia and yoga. My evenings have laughter, lovely friends and currently a bit of delightful romance (he's admitted to reading my blog, hello handsome...is it Weds yet?).
Thanksgiving brought my entire family down to Louisville to enjoy time with my new nephew, Benjamin Eli, a not so tiny bundle of joy, he sleeps, he eats, he poops....that's about all. I realize again that babies are not fun until they start moving around.
Patti Smith's Just Kids rocked my world for two days, non stop read, inspiring and exciting me.
I've knitted up a storm. There are some hats and a few scarves that need loving homes.
My first flu of the season kicked my ass. Four weeks of suffering helped me develop an obsession with Gossip Girl. Oh Blair & Chuck, can you please just realize you need to be together! You're killing me!!
A quick trip out to LA with my friend Kimzo to raise $$ for the animals and a visit with Senor Moby were a special treat.
Most of all fall has woken up my senses. My yoga practice is in full swing, meditation is connecting me to a power greater than myself and fall fashion, lots of layers and silly furry hats have become my daily dress up routine. Dearest Mother Nature, please keep the weather cool, I have so many outfits to wear before I don a giant puffer coat in Jan/Feb.
So before I leave you for the night and begin my big writing session, I give you a list of things that are making me happy at the moment.
a. Apples (Fuji)
b. Bodies (the exhibit)
c. Clementines
d. Dogs, Lulu, Matza & Lox
e. Eating vegan! Go Green!
f. Fred, missing him and gratitude for having 13 years with him
g. Ginger Yogi Tea w almond milk & sugar
h. Hugs from kids in my yoga class
i. Ice cream, coconut base chocolate with brownies and sharing it with someone special
j. Jivamukti Yoga
k. Knowing the movie Foul Play exists
l. Lavender body scrub from Trader Joe's
m. Midnight In Paris
n. Noel Gallahger's High Flying Birds
o. OMG, my fav thing to text because my friends are always surprising me
p. Patti Smith "because the night belongs to lovers....." & Peanut Chews
q. Q tile in Scrabble, so many points, limited options
r. romance, someone that makes the butterflies appear
s. Sexy texts
t. twittering with Myriam, Zoe, Kim & Julia
u. ukulele, playing, listening, singing along
v. Visits from Moby, Myriam & Julia
w. water, cold, hot, room temp, bubbles...it's all good
x. X Live From The Whiskey A Go Go
y. YSL red lipstick
z. Z Pak, cures the 4 week flu bug
My its been a while since I've written and so many things have been happening in my little Brooklyn world.
Lulu is well. She's had a birthday (now 14), is still deaf and loves to sleep approximately 22.5 hours a day. Lulu is also enjoying the constant supply of chicken bones on the streets of South Slope, I do not enjoy fishing them out of her tiny mouth. (I plead to these chicken carcass lovers to stop throwing bones on the sidewalk, it's crazy!!!)
Park Slope is still here, fall is all over the place, the community garden across from my place looks sad, leaves off the willow, flower beds all closed up, no more garden yoga in 2011....sniff sniff, sad face.
My summer friends from Puerto Rico have gone home to school. I never dreamed I would spend summer evenings playing dominos with 7 & 9 year old in the garden, I don't speak Spanish, they didn't speak English, yet hours of fun were had by all.
Recently my days are filled with fashion, writing music trivia and yoga. My evenings have laughter, lovely friends and currently a bit of delightful romance (he's admitted to reading my blog, hello handsome...is it Weds yet?).
Thanksgiving brought my entire family down to Louisville to enjoy time with my new nephew, Benjamin Eli, a not so tiny bundle of joy, he sleeps, he eats, he poops....that's about all. I realize again that babies are not fun until they start moving around.
Patti Smith's Just Kids rocked my world for two days, non stop read, inspiring and exciting me.
I've knitted up a storm. There are some hats and a few scarves that need loving homes.
My first flu of the season kicked my ass. Four weeks of suffering helped me develop an obsession with Gossip Girl. Oh Blair & Chuck, can you please just realize you need to be together! You're killing me!!
A quick trip out to LA with my friend Kimzo to raise $$ for the animals and a visit with Senor Moby were a special treat.
Most of all fall has woken up my senses. My yoga practice is in full swing, meditation is connecting me to a power greater than myself and fall fashion, lots of layers and silly furry hats have become my daily dress up routine. Dearest Mother Nature, please keep the weather cool, I have so many outfits to wear before I don a giant puffer coat in Jan/Feb.
So before I leave you for the night and begin my big writing session, I give you a list of things that are making me happy at the moment.
a. Apples (Fuji)
b. Bodies (the exhibit)
c. Clementines
d. Dogs, Lulu, Matza & Lox
e. Eating vegan! Go Green!
f. Fred, missing him and gratitude for having 13 years with him
g. Ginger Yogi Tea w almond milk & sugar
h. Hugs from kids in my yoga class
i. Ice cream, coconut base chocolate with brownies and sharing it with someone special
j. Jivamukti Yoga
k. Knowing the movie Foul Play exists
l. Lavender body scrub from Trader Joe's
m. Midnight In Paris
n. Noel Gallahger's High Flying Birds
o. OMG, my fav thing to text because my friends are always surprising me
p. Patti Smith "because the night belongs to lovers....." & Peanut Chews
q. Q tile in Scrabble, so many points, limited options
r. romance, someone that makes the butterflies appear
s. Sexy texts
t. twittering with Myriam, Zoe, Kim & Julia
u. ukulele, playing, listening, singing along
v. Visits from Moby, Myriam & Julia
w. water, cold, hot, room temp, bubbles...it's all good
x. X Live From The Whiskey A Go Go
y. YSL red lipstick
z. Z Pak, cures the 4 week flu bug
My niece Norah
Lulu on vacation with Uncle Kev
My family laughing, awesomeness
Benjamin Eli
Me and my super fantastic friend Kimzo
And this little guy...I really love him
It's big, it's green, it's THE TREE!!!
Funny Sticker on Prospect Ave & 4th Ave
Sunset over Castle Hall....Perfect Zen
G-nite people of the world. Thanks for checking in with me.
Be nice to each other, we're only here once and it feels good.
xo
Shan
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